kestrel

kestrel, walking
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2020-02-15 23:08:17 (UTC)

To My Penpal

Another personal entry. I have a penpal in eastern Europe, and in my last message to her I alluded to the most recent relationship I had: I dated a woman from mid-January until just about Monday this past week. My penpal offered to lend an ear should I want to rant, so here's what I sent.
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All right, since you invited it, let me "piss and moan" just a little bit about this most recent relationship of mine. [I'm removing the first paragraphs or so because it has some personal information regarding my penpal and what they mentioned in their previous message to me.]

...I had a VERY long rant about this relationship and decided to delete it. Suffice it to say that I've spent a lot of time and effort to become a better person since I last dated someone (March of 2019), and this dating experience left a lot to be desired. It seems best for me to stay single for some more time, or at least until a woman comes along who is available and impressive, and can communicate. Additionally, I felt I was pressured into compromising a bit more than was comfortable for me (beyond staying up waaaaaay later than usual, I definitely felt pressured into sex too soon). It's probably a sign that I'm still lacking the self-confidence I need in order to cultivate the kind of relationship I really want. I'm not a pick-up artist or someone who's comfortable dating a different woman every month. That's not my style.

Whew. That's a lot shorter of an explanation, but just as good. So you're seeing the second draft of my novel. :)

That's about all I have to say about that. I hope I have better news the next time I end up having a chance to type something about dating again. I feel pretty lame and weak discussing this.

Thanks for your patience, [friend]! I appreciate it if you made it to the end of this, even though it is the MUCH shorter version. :) Just imagine how dreadful it would have been had I not edited my original message...!
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It's frustrating to have put so much energy and effort into a relationship, only to have it fall apart so quickly. But if I'm being honest with myself I have to admit that I was urged by my own desperation, and ignored my gut feelings for the sake of wanting to feel loved and needed. That's a terrible position for anyone to find themselves in, and a -sure- sign of a shoddy foundation for a long-lasting relationship. At least this one was over within a month.


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