Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2020-02-13 05:12:44 (UTC)

Heartbreak?

Leo blocked me and we had a good day, like 2 days ago. We were fine. I let him fall asleep on the phone and everything was fine, for him. Of course, I'm still feeling less...enthused by him. Usually, after every fight and after he unblocks me, we have a good honeymoon phase. "Leo, I just love you so much." I just wasn't feeling it. I think it's a sign that I'm beginning to grow away from him, which is definitely good. But I didn't say any of that, I just wanted us to be fine. But the next day I did. I said, "You can still just block me and keep me blocked." And of course we started fighting. He told me he wasn't begging me to stay and that he didn't need me and he could find someone like me but I could never find anyone like him and I could block him. I said I never wanted to find anyone remotely like him again but I kept telling him to block me, because we all know I can't do it myself because I am that weak.

He said he would break my fucking heart and sent me a screenshot of his conversation with this girl Bianca.

Little background, when we were on a break a couple months ago, he started talking to her. When we got back together, he cried over her and begged me to help him forget about her. Obviously, that fucking hurt. I had never seen him cry about anything else. But her. But of course, like the pushover I am, I let it go and stayed with him.

Now to realize he was still talking her. The screenshot was of him sending her a video of himself, and her replying, "I love you so much!!!"

No one says I love you like that, unless they had been talking for a while. They have to have been talking the whole time. He was talking to her the whole time. He was telling her the things he was saying to me and he sent me a screenshot of his call logs and he had phone calls with her. Phone calls with her the day we were fine. We were fine and he still called her. And, he had phone calls with her before my phone calls. Meaning, he was on the phone with her FIRST, and after she had to go or whatever, then he decided to call me. "Bianca had to go, I guess I'll call Emily now." Is what he thought.

The hole in my chest hurts. I've been crying. Sobbing, really. I mean, usually I can make it silent but I mean sobbing everywhere I go. At home drunk, in the school bathroom and teachers are asking me if I'm okay. like, do I look okay?

As much as it hurts, I feel free. I've always stayed with him because I felt guilty for cheating on him, but we're even now. Like, I feel like karma has finally bit me in the ass, but now I can move on with my life. Obviously, when I cheated it was wrong and stuff, but now I can move on and be better.

I wonder, did he feel this way when I cheated on him? I never really cared I guess because I didn't think he cared. But it hurts so bad. I know he's telling her he loves her and that she's his and calling her and falling asleep on the phone with her and telling her how to touch herself over the phone. Hell, for all I know he's actually fucking her.

I ruined myself for him. Fingered myself and even my ass for the first time ever for him. Snuck around my mom's back. Lost friends. So much time. Fucked over my sleeping schedule. Felt the need to drink and smoke because of him. Honestly, the need to hook up with some of the guys was fueled by him. He ruined everything. he ruined me. I'm so scared to be with anyone. It's so easy to switch up and feel that you don't love them anymore. I don't want it. I don't want to live in a world where love is so brittle, but that's reality. I'm so scared now.

How could he do that to me. How could he know about every time my brother or my step dad hit me and how my grandpa violated me and the nightmares I have of being raped which I really think are just surpressed memories and how I cut myself. How could he know all this and still do that? Don't you think he knew that would've been too much? Did he care how broken I already was? Did he know that everytime I tried to push him away, I really just needed him to stay and say he loved me? Did he even realize that it was a pattern, that I push everyone away because I'm convinced they'll leave, so I try to beat them to the punch? Did he ever think that deeply about me? Or was I just a toy used for his pleasure? Was I even REAL to him? Did he consider me as an actual human with emotions and secrets and feelings? I don't think so. But he said he loved me. He promised he wasn't talking to anyone else. But I guess this is what I get. I deserve this. Is this what heartbreak feels like?




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