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2020-02-11 18:29:44 (UTC)

soil soil soil im in the dirt

"You are the Blood" by the Castanets [the cover by Sufjan Stevens plus the Pt. 2 remix by Buck 65 are both REALLY FUCKIN' GOOD] [Also, the Sufjan Stevens version sounds very much like an archived OK Computer-era Radiohead song lol. That is, until the whole piano bit, which sounds very CHOPIN <3]

You are the blood
Flowing through my fingers
All through the soil
Up in those trees

You are electricity
You are light
You are sound itself
And you are flight

February 11, 2020 Tuesday 5:33 PM

Pretty song, like a heartbeat. Memorial service for Grandma was good. I realized I haven't journaled in awhile, which you can take as a good sign, that I haven't felt a need for an outlet. Right now I am, as you can likely guess, feeling not-good but not bad either. I've had a headache since yesterday and I feel placelessly ashamed, so there's that. I know I had a bad dream last night, but I don't know what about. Maybe it has affected me.

I went on a date Sunday and I thought it went well but the guy didn't text me back, which has been pissing me off. Especially since, DURING the date, he asked me on another date >:( it could be that he's just slow but I still think it's kind of rude. You don't leave ur gal hangin' after a first date. Anyway, in a few days I will UNFOLLOW him on Spotify, which is about as aggressive as I can get. I guess I could also un-match him on Tinder, lol.

Oh, well. My body hurts. I got a 3/5 score in my Russian sci-fi class because I haven't been participating in discussions. I'm annoyed that I have to do that. Part of me knows the annoyance only comes from my !!~crippling fear~!! of public speaking. Like, every time I even consider speaking in that class, my heart starts beating sooooooo hard. That doesn't happen in language classes, mostly because those classes are all about speaking in basic sentences; but in literature classes, I just choke up. I need to get better at it.

The other part of me is annoyed that I even need to improve this skill, because it seems so.... useless. Like, after college, when am I going to sit in a small group of strangers discussing a book or whatever?????? In a book club? Well, I don't really *need* to contribute in a book club, do I? I can just listen and take from others' what I'd like. When it comes to giving feedback/getting feedback on a story, I am able to do that (how well, you ask? Ugh.... question deferred, ask me again in five years). My ~point~ is that it seems ~pointless.~ I don't want to fucking talk. I don't want to be in college anymore, generally speaking. I'm tired of all these classes, asking me to be smart..... I don't feel smart, lol. Just give me work to do and I'll do it, but please, enough with the fucking discussions.

OK I'm going to go now. I'm tired. I have a Russian test tomorrow. I'm thinking I'll go study for Spanish for the hour before the Aelita showing begins (a movie we're watching for Russian Sci-fi) and then after that, I'll finish the Fields reading for history, and throw up, and study for my Russian test, and go to sleep. I've been so tired. I slept 9 fucking hours last night! I might be getting sick.

See ya.

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