Broken Glass Park
"There's A Light In Me, That Shines Brightly...
They can try, but they can't take that away from me."
I don't know what happened, but my anger completely went away. I think it's because I started laughing at everything. Some of it may have been related to the person I can't stand, but I don't think all of it was. Just the laughing itself, completely distracted me.
I went through the rest of the day numb, which is a good feeling for me, as opposed to pain and anger. He did one more thing to piss me off - right near the end of the day, too. I brushed it off because my day was almost over and because I may have mis-heard him.
I was saying to someone else, how I hoped the busses weren't crazy again like yesterday, though I knew they might be. That was all I said, just a statement, not a complaint, really. I thought I heard him say from far away, "Then, don't take the bus, then." If that is what you said, you want to say it loud enough for me to hear? Lol. Also, some people don't have a choice. You can't even say anything around this person, that's even the tiniest bit negative. I couldn't have a conversation with him, that's for sure. Nor, would I attempt to!
I really want to stop writing about work. I've prayed that I can write about anything else positive, even if it's silly.
I want to conclude this all somehow and move on.
Okay, so I dislike him very, very much. Most days will probably be normal days like today. If any days like yesterday occur again, I just need to bare with them. I'll make it through.
I never have to feel awkward again! If someone else is trying to make me feel that way, that is their problem because they are pushing away someone who could be a good friend. I'm not going to brag about myself and say I'm the greatest. In fact, I'm trying to stay humble. I'm striving to be a good, decent, kind person and I think I am most of the time. No one's perfect, though. I am worthy of someone's love, I was loved immensely for 12 years by someone I loved immensely. It's not my fault, his, or God's, that he died. At least, I'm lucky enough to have a sense of self-worth from this. It should come from within, but sometimes some people have to learn it from someone else. I am insanely unlucky to have experienced a loss like this. I already didn't relate to most of the world, now I'm even more cut off from it.
I try not to send my rants through texts to my one friend anymore. The older lady, who along with her husband, made me feel so awkward on my birthday, a little over a month ago. I mean, it was the strangest birthday ever and they are strange people. Lol.
I've turned to God or for, the atheists, within. I'm not trying to find a way to defend my beliefs, I'm actually trying to figure out how an atheist can be spiritual. There is a way, or in a way that makes much more sense, more observant of your own thoughts, feelings and the world around you. I do this through prayer, the talking to God -or- "talking" to "God" -- for, it could very well just be me, thinking to myself - still, the point is, it's majorely helpful!
I just want a way to not stress at all over work. The obvious answer is to get another job, but that could be new problems, new stresses and new assholes. Better the devil you know, than the one you don't. My strange friend (lol), told me that, you shouldn't make any major changes the first year of someone's death. This makes sense to me, so I am following that advice.
I need to keep building up my own self-worth. Keep reminding myself that what others think of me really doesn't matter. It's really just their opinion, anyway.
I can't make up for my husband not being here, but I can have the next best thing and the thing I should have done all along - love myself.
And I'll be the opposite of this cruel world. I'll be kind. Not to outdo people or to be better than them, even though, I've literally said that I want to be better than everyone. No, but what it's really about is being the change I want to see in the world.
As lonely as I am, God is with me. My husband's with me - always. 😊😊😊 It sucks that he's not physically here to comfort me after days like yesterday or to snuggle with me, at night. I could come home crying and he wouldn't even pry into why, but he would just hold me and comfort me. He loved me so much and right now, I would so just settle on a friend who I could haved regular conversations with and hang out with. God will grant me that one day. Right now is the time to heal from my loss and learn to love myself and become strong on my own. I have the best inspiration this world could offer and all my courage, strength, wisdom and even self-worth that I need for life - ALL from my husband. But, since he's not perfect, I have God, as well. To be completely clear.
Yeah, I'm good. It's really, really difficult for me to keep going in life because of my immense loss and complete and utter loneliness. But, my husband would want me to and so... that's a high motivating factor for when I don't feel like doing it for myself.
I can't promise him that I will be happy. That's just not possible right now, but until it is... I can have inner peace. God will help guide me through the rest of my life, as long as I keep asking Him to, acknowledging His Presence in my life and not pushing Him away.
I wuv you, Monkey Man. I'll try to be stronger in my life just for you. I'll carry on with my life, just for you. I'll keep praying to God and I ask that you pray for me, as well, please. You are closer to God than I am. Someday we will be together again.
I love you, My Love.
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