All that is
shitty stop on a train ride
the problem is when i'm kicked down i feind it hard to get bck up.
I'm here again. it's 2 hours away from my ex boyfriend-ish chb's birthday. i'm sitting at home feeling this blue feeling. Sdq left my house earlie this morning. that's right, he was here. I couldn't believe it myself. not because i have some world shattering crush on him, no. but because he was never part of the plan, or any plan. it was only ever about sn.o and oref. that's all this whole thing has ever really been about. the fooling around with chneye. my half facetious, half serious erratic and needy behaviour with oref. let me outline the roster right now.
chnyeye - a quite hot girl who's taken a liking to me
whoever I desire to be with most when i'm high. and im hgih right now, if it weren't obvs alreay. i'm high al lot these days.
"wow this person really really likes me and i don't want to hurt them". but you will eventually, won't you? because after sno, i refuse to have my heart broken again. not again. it'll be anyone else but me. is this me? every fucking new year, every fucking January it's a new motherfucker. it's been that way since i came back here. new year 2018 it was ud, new year 2019 it was tby, new year 2020 its sno. what's the matter with me? It's like i'm chasing after something or runnig away from something i don't know which. this thing that is not really something i can put my finger on. what do all these men have in common other than the fact that they're all igbo? they don't want me the way i wanted them. if ud at the time were to ask me to be with him forever, i would have said yes. if tby at the time were to ask me to be with him forever, i would have said my god yes. if sno were to ask me now to be with him forever and ever i would do it in a heart beat - but none of them wanted to be with me for anything beyond sex. they all had the same pattern too at the start of seeing me in such a great light. high expectations almost, beside themselves. but in a matter of days, and usually after what i would consider amazing sex, that light seemed to dim, begin flickering and eventually die, must to my quiet devastation. now i almost expect it. if only id started to 'almost expect it' before i met sno. he's the one i feel most at loss about. maybe its cos its so recent and he was like a kinder version of tby. who let's be realy really honest still holds the heavy weight world title. it almost sounds like i'm congratulating him. like i admire him. maybe i still do. as a matter of fact i still do. and i think right there is where the matter still lies. i started but didn't complete the work that is required to finish and heal and transform. the ...demons that my involvement and mental decline over tby brought to the fore of my consciousness are there. Yes, i'm more aware of them now than i've ever been. i know their shapes and forms, i recognise what's what, and which one has come this time around, from where - as opposed to what it was before, this nameless blanket of sadness. and yes, because i know this, i suppose it makes it easier to carry, knowing it's just a shitty stop on a train ride. and yes this all indicates progress in my growth and my mind. and when you start to see progress you must build on it. as i must do now. i should build on that progress and now that i can better articulate my emotions and my challenges and to a degree even the root of them, i should enter into the next step with certainty, having faith in the process of self transformation and discovery. invest in yourself.
I shouldn't go the same way of avoiding completing things which i start. but perhaps if i take the leap and begin therapy then this will be the best project i ever committed to finishing. the best commitment i ever made.
phrases like trust in yourself, trust yourself, believe in yourself suddenly take on a new meaning for me, as silly as it sounds. "i trust in myself", say it out loud. when i say it outloud i feel that sense of doubt creeping in by the time i begin to mouth the word 'trust'. how mad is that? why wouldn't i trust i myself? i know myself the best.
Do i seem unstable and slightly unhinged to guys? can they read that about me?
am i borderline narcissistic?
i definitely have intimacy issues - real intimacy issues. I have a fear of intimacy. in fact i just googled 'fear of intimacy meaning': "The fear of intimacy is the fear of being emotionally and/or physically close to another individual. This fear is also defined as "the inhibited capacity of an individual, because of anxiety, to exchange thought and feelings of personal significance with another individual who is highly valued"
THIS. IS. ME. like to a T. its like the onyl thing they didn't add in the description is my name. it almost sounded 'generic neurosis' until they added the part about "individual who is highly valued". - i'm no psychologist but you could say this equals: i wasn't properly validated by the most highly valued individuals i had around me as a child, blah blah.
i'm only able to be intimate if in my mind, the person altogether has less power than me.
tby is just sno on steriods.
so is that it with sdq? what will happen? will i fuck him? if we're looking at my previous pattern of behaviour the odds are saying i will. if we say no, we're going to have faith in my shaky commitment to practice and re-learn new behaviours then let's give myself the benefit of the doubt.
allow myself to write without censoring myself as it comes to me. whatever comes to my head i should put donw, whithouth thinking about how it needs to be laid out.
I won't sleep with any 'romantic prospects' not sdq, not mke. I will only sleep with tbi and chneye.