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The Haunted Microwave Experience
I fell asleep about an hour and a half into the debates. Since Tulsi wasn't there, I was rooting for Andrew Yang. He's the only other Democrat I somewhat like. I woke up a little before 12:30 AM, watched some Filthy Frank, paid my rent (lol - yes, I can pay it that late!), ate something, drank some Coke and then, I was going to go back to sleep. Now, usually, I fantasize about someone before I go to sleep. I get way too many crushes and I already have a new one. Not in real life (an actor) - that doesn't happen anymore, thank God. My head is a mess... but, can you blame me? Not that it's anyone's business, but since I brought this up, these fantasies usually aren't sexual. I either feel guilty, if my mind does go there or, possibly worse (in a way?), my mind is fictionalizing an actual relationship I might have... in which case, I take my time. I do believe it's okay to kiss on a first date, but anything more I wait on. I have to be in love... or, if it's fictional, I just wait a little while. Lol. I'm too much of a romantic and I have to wonder what a therapist would say about my psychological need to constantly have a crush.
But... I'm getting way off base here...
So, I was going to fantasize about a new romance, like I usually do, but I started thinking about my husband. I just imagined we were snuggling and I really, really felt his presence like never before. I didn't physically feel his presence, but I felt like his spirit was actually in the room. I mean, I feel like he's always with me, but that's in my mind, in my heart. This was different.
So, I was content to fall asleep with this nice, peaceful feeling when suddenly, my microwave is going... by itself. There was no timer on it, nothing. It scared me so bad, it felt like there was ice in my chest. A freezing feeling, like heartburn, but the opposite.
I got up and was pressing the stop button. It wasn't working. I unplugged it. I will now unplug it until I need to use it and hopefully, it will work. I realize that I probably need a new microwave. Lol.
This just really wasn't fair, though. And I told my husband so! It's one thing if the microwave is broken. I think that this has actually happened a few times before, it's just very strange that it occurs when I actually feel a presence in my room. I mean, if he did that and thought it was funny, it wasn't. 😒
No, it's unfair that I finally didn't avoid thinking about him - REALLY thinking about him. Like, I wasn't afraid to feel pain from remembering him, for once and then, that happens. So... what? I should go back to my other thoughts? Which, were adulterous at one time (even if they aren't sexual, there's a thing called emotional cheating), but technically aren't now? Well, it still feels like they are. I still feel like I'm married. I'm still in love with my husband. It's not my fault that Cancer tore him away from me. He didn't choose to leave me. I try not to feel guilty, but I tried to avoid those thoughts tonight. 😕 I'll probably go back to that. I mean, really what it is, is I'm dreaming of love. I'll continue dreaming until it happens for me again, if it ever does... .
I had crushes the whole time we were together. It's bad, I know. It's also kind of normal. We went through some really, really rough times. I can't completely blame him for it, but a lot of it, I can. I don't want to speak badly of him, but I'm just being honest.
I've always been an escapist. I've always daydreamed of a better life (usually just a great romance, lol) and with him, it was either because I couldn't handle the stress of whatever new hell we were going through (always, it seemed) or... on the complete flipside of that, his love for me scared and overwhelmed me. I didn't know how to handle that. No one will ever love me like that, again. I haven't given up... I'm not searching for love either, though. It's not something you should seek out, anyways. It finds you when the time is right and/or you meet the right person. In the meantime, keep dreaming and definitely learn to love yourself.
If I do have another love, he will be second to my husband. Even if I'm lucky and he's a close second, he will still be second. I can't help that, it's the truth. But, I want love again, someday. For now, I'll settle for friendships. I'd like to have friends. That's a different kind of love and I'll settle for that. Romantic love is only a future possibility, but it's not something I should have now. I need time.
This haunted microwave experience occurred about 40 minutes ago now. It's almost 3 in the morning and I'm wide awake.
Another thing, I do before I go to sleep, is I pray. I've been praying that God will bless my sleep. When I finally do get back to sleep, maybe He still will. Why wouldn't He, if I asked? I know you don't always get what you ask for, even in a prayer. Like, sometimes the answer is 'No,' but I didn't ask for a material object or for something really specific to happen... just peaceful sleep. I'll pray again before I go to sleep and... I won't think of my husband. 😢😢😢
You know, the funny thing is, I feel like he's still here... again. I hope nothing else scary happens. Please, no. I wasn't feeling like he was as much anymore, up until now. But, now that I'm mad at him (lol), it feels like he's really here and we're fighting. Even this, I want to hang onto. It's not as peaceful as the other feeling was, but I feel happier and safer, feeling like his spirit IS actually here with me. He can haunt me a little. 😉
I wonder... did I kind of want him to "go away" after the microwave went off like that? Well, it's impossible for him to leave my heart, but I felt like he was leaving the room and going back up to heaven. I'm starting to feel that way now.
Did I accidentally do some witchcraft? Like, did I somehow create or evoke some type of energy to make the microwave go off, just by thinking so strongly of my husband... of his presence, his energy?
I cried for a little while after I got the shit scared out of me. I put my hand on the box his ashes are in and talked to him. I said, "That wasn't fair," a few times and "If you thought that was funny, it wasnt." ☹☹☹
Yeah, I'll go back to my escapism fantasies when I go back to sleep, begrudgingly, but so I stay sane.
I feel like my husband actually pushed me away. ☹☹☹ But, funnily enough, I realize I very well might be blaming him for something he didn't do. Or, maybe He didn't mean to do it. If his energy was here, maybe it interacted with that particular electrical object, but not on purpose.
I know, it could be coincidence, but it's just way too strange.
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