(Don't) Look Back in Anger
I must have read Shamaness's last message about five times this morning. It was amazing waking up to a message like that, thank you so much. And I suppose after how things turned out with C and me from yesterday afternoon to this morning, I think I'll take that advice and simply allow myself to be angry today.
I didn't think it was an argument that would lead up to the usual friction that we've been experiencing. I thought we were talking in a way that clarified a few issues. The discovery, however, is that any talk of emotion on my part, any expression that I'm upset or hurt about something is enough to "put him off". Just for how long am I to tolerate this bullshit? And I don't see why I should fear losing him when clearly that fear isn't reciprocated. Just like he doesn't want to take responsibility for providing validation then why should I? My growth has provided a better understanding of things, of him, which happens when you grow up. And I can see that he has major issues with certain things, primarily intimacy. But to shut me down at the face of any discussion that attempts to understand that is just ridiculous.
He keeps using that word, companion. He wants me to be his life companion, his life partner. How on earth can that be possible when he shows no sexual desire as part of that package? I'm thinking he means something else when he says that word, I'm thinking he wants someone to be the mother he wished he had. It makes him sound like an old man who never grew up. It makes him sound like he can't be in a relationship because he can't care about anyone but himself. I know all this is probably subconscious. He did choose me as a life partner, after all. He said it himself that he doesn't consider me just a friend, that he shares things with me that he wouldn't share with anyone else. But I don't see why it's wrong for me to want more to be included, to want sex to be included. And of course, he wouldn't stand for an arrangement like being a companion to him while getting sexual gratification elsewhere. I'm lost between the cracks of gray areas again.
My love and care for him makes me want to take the responsibility to do some damage repair, to provide him with love and affection that he never received and therefore didn't think existed. I know I have a lot of love and nurture to give. If I walk away from this then I will have abandoned him. I can't help but wonder if it's simply right for me to take this on after I haven't even explored my own prime. I mean, I have my own needs too, don't I?
My only outlet was throwing two notebooks and two pair of shoes at my door. The louder the bang, the better I felt. Even then, I apologized to the door. I have no fucking idea where to go from here.
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