Just so something of me is left, if something happens
quick dark turn, but - a lot of the time I wish I were just dead.
It can be triggered by anything - stress, anxiety, my parents bringing up another mistake over and over and over
It's also the reason I'm even writing this anymore - I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough to hold on for long enough that things can get better.
The question is if things even can get better. I don't know anymore, and that scares me - but I'd rather try to hold on for as long as I can on the off chance that things might not stay the way they are right now.
Maybe one day I won't feel like I'd rather be dead most of the day. Maybe one day I'll be able to make a mistake and not have an anxiety attack over it every three minutes. Maybe one day, at the risk of sounding so cliche, I'll be able to be happy.
That would be nice.
But only if I can hold on.
And honestly I don't know if I can. Or even if that day will ever come that when someone asks me how I'm doing, I'll be able to honestly say I'm alright.
I'm staying away from sharp things and... the other stuff I planned to use before. Don't want to get any ideas.
It helps that I have friends who genuinely care and try to help however they can. But there's only so much they can do when I literally have to live with people that make me anxious with just their presence - let alone whenever they talk to me.
God, I'm a mess.