Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2020-02-01 12:04:06 (UTC)

Wow! Actual Sleep! ... & Random Tangents!

I actually slept almost a full 9 hours! Usually I wake up around 4:30 in the morning and just stay awake. My sleep is awful and has been for almost 10 months now. I have this darkness at the corners of my eyes, in between my eyes and nose. It's not full circles, but it shows a lot. I hope if my sleep starts getting better that they will go away.

I'm scheduled until 4 almost every day at work now. The one day I'm not, is a day I can't set up therapy appointments. So, now I may lose my therapy. 😣😣😣 I had to leave my group therapy because I couldn't keep affording the Ubers home. If only the busses ran until a normal hour (when the mall closes), like they do in every other city I've lived in! Lol. No, they stop running at 5:30 at night. It's ridiculous! I'm not sure if I still need this therapy or not, but it's really aggravating that I can't make that decision for myself. Of course, I'm making a choice to not go through the process of asking my work to get out an hour early for this one day (which, is different all the time - usually Tuesday or Wednesday), every single week. That is annoying and stressful. I know the smallest things make me stressed out. I've been this way for a long time and my husband dying certainly didn't help. Im just trying now, to make my life as least stressful, as possible.

I'm hyper-emotional. I honestly feel like I have constant PMS. I cry at the dumbest little things. For that matter, though, I also laugh at the dumbest little things. I'm still in the process of watching all of Filthy Frank's videos. Shit's hilarious. I will say... sometimes I think he goes too far. If I get offended, I get offended. If it's not a personal attack on me, I will let it go. Oh, the stuff I've had to let go... not of Filthy Frank... I'm starting to go off on a tangent that I'm not sure I want to because it's about someone at my work that I really, really don't like.

I could have stayed neutral or become more neutral to them, but they had to ruin it again. I don't go to work angry or anything. I handle it better than ever, but I know it's continuing to wear on my soul - not just this one person, but the general toxic environment. I don't want to complain too much because people will say, 'Why don't you get another job?' Well... I still don't need huge changes in my life. I need stability. Even if I hate my job, I'm sticking with it for a little while more. Sure, it's dragging me down, emotionally, but it's not like it even comes close to the emotional drag that is the death of my husband. I have everything in perspective in spite of my highly emotional state. I've just started learning how to stay calm all the time... I still cry a lot, but when I start to get angry, I can calm myself quickly. One way is taking a deep breath, sighing if you have to -- who cares what others think about that! You're not SAYING anything! The main answer, though, that has helped me immensely - even though, I still feel like I barely survive every day. And I'll "survive," anyways... but, not with this much peace. This peace comes from simply talking to God briefly a few to several times a day. You can talk to God whenever you want - it's all in your mind. God can hear your thoughts.

To Atheists: I hope I'm not getting defensive here, but I want to clarify some things - probably more so for myself because I could be considered Agnostic, in a way, I think... even if I don't sound like it (I'm about to!). I realize how crazy I might sound. However, this is what helps me and it hurts no one. If God is just an illusion in my mind, then it's the best one I use to help me through my life. If I am merely talking to myself, maybe it's something atheists should try! Not kidding! Of course, silently, though, to clarify! Think of it as your mind you are talking to. A higher self... unless that's too spiritual. Let me put it this way, then: if you don't have the convenience of a journal around you at the time, this is like writing in a journal. It's a cathartic release. What I call prayer, you might just call critical thinking. Really! By talking to "God," it's like a journal or even a therapist in my mind. It's just a creative way I have of making observational thoughts and really, truly observing my situations in life, so that I can hopefully resolve them. Or, if I feel like it's something I can't change (The Serenity Prayer comes to mind here - I don't see why atheists can't say it. It's like a mantra, positive reinforcement, a reminder to be calm about the things you can't change and to hope to have the courage to change the things you can. I wonder how many atheists go to A.A. meetings. They say this prayer there.), to peacefully accept that. So, why go through all this trouble? Why "delude" myself? Well... I don't feel that I am deluding myself. I really, truly believe in God. I'm not going to say that I know for sure there is a God because that's really arrogant. Therefore, I think I could be considered somewhat Agnostic. To me, it does not make sense for there to not be a God. I'm not saying it's the God of The Bible. The God of The Bible, particularly, The Old Testament, is all too human. And a horrible human, at that! I don't think God gets jealous and/or wants to murder other nations. I think much of The Old Testament is horrible and besides the concept of eternal hell, that is my other main problem with Jesus - that he doesn't speak out against much of what went on in The Old Testament. He did radically change some things and I could call him a radical Jew and mean it in the best way possible. A good way. People don't think of the word 'radical' as being good, but I don't see why it can't be, in some cases.

I do think Jesus was a real person who existed, much like Buddha, but better. Sorry Buddhists - I'm biased. I grew up with Jesus. I love and respect Buddha very much, though. Not even sure I'm a Christian. I grapple with that, but as a second religion to Christianity, I would consider Buddhism. The hardest part to me would be going vegetarian. Lol. Not sure you necessarily have to. I could give up red meat and pork and just eat chicken, poultry, maybe some seafood, sometimes. I'd love to do that, anyways, actually. Maybe someday.

I've also considered Taoism, but mainly just the philosophy. I know there is a religion, as well, but if you read the Tao Te Ching, it doesn't seem so religious, as it does philosophical. Of course, the concepts of the Tao, Yin and Yang and Wu-Wei are quite spiritual, though.

I don't know where I started and where I went with this entry. Lol.

And I don't know how to end it or title it!