Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2020-02-01 05:00:06 (UTC)

Been a little bit

Right now, I don't even feel like typing but I know I'll regret it if I don't. I feel so insecure. In the last couple days, multiple guys have either asked for number or asked if I'm trying to fuck. Like yeah I guess it's a little bit flattering but now I feel so self conscious I only wear baggy clothes so no one can look at my body. Nobody wants me when I'm single, but when I'm actually trying to be loyal suddenly everybody wants to hit me up.

I really tried so hard to leave Leo. I just fought with him and begged him to block me until he did and I was so completely miserable. I really tried to talk to other friends or do something I used to like doing but I only ended up lying on the floor crying for actual hours. I didn't even have the energy to drink. Then he unblocked me and I said I'm sorry and now we're doing fine again, I guess. Leaving him hurts worse than just staying in the actual relationship. I can't do it. I can't. I was so miserable. I really wanted to die. That was last night, and I guess we're fine. But while he had me blocked I unblocked all my guy friends. I'm just waiting for him to log in and freak the fuck out when he sees it lmaooo.

Even today my older brother, whose 20, called me hot. I just feel sick. And then, 5 min after, he hit me in the face. He wouldn't stop antagonizing me so I finally just pushed him out of my way and he grabbed my arms and held me against the wall. When I pushed the stupid motherfucker away he hit me. Of course I had to act like a bad bitch and walk away like nothing was wrong, but I didn't stop shaking for a while. I felt just the years of fear, when he used to really beat the shit out of me come rushing back. Like the fear that would drop in my stomach whenever he chased me, or died on a videogame so he'd hit me. For the past 3 years we've actually moved on and we were really pretty good friends, but I feel like there's no chance at all. He really called me out on all my shit. How I really have no real friends and I'm irresponsible and I've been acting like a bitch ever since I got into highschool. He really just has no idea. I mean, he's not wrong. I just have a bunch of guy friends that want to fuck me and like a couple of girl friends who really couldn't care more about my well-being. Even yesterday, my friend Noe and I went to lunch and I started crying in her car, because we are close like that, and she said, "Stop crying, that's not cute." I don't know. That honestly kinda hurt my feelings. This was 5 min after I confessed to her the abuse from my brother when I was younger and the shit my grandpa did. I hate myself. I cannot believe I was so stupid as to actually tell her that stuff. Like I wanna break someone or hurt myself. I"m so fucking angry at myself. How could I be that stupid. Oh my god. Just thinking about it. Fuck her. Like I fucking hate her. Of course it's not her fault I was stupid, but just knowing she has that information about me now makes me want to slit my throat.

Speaking of slitting throats, the other day Leo threatened to slit my throat and I've never been more turned on in my entire life. Like fuck. That was the hottest thing ever. What is wrong with me. I told Leo my brother hit me, showed him the bruise and he was really mad. Like, "Emily wtf that's not okay." I don't know. It felt good I guess to know he did care about me. After he said that though, I said, "Says the guy who threatened to slit my throat." And then he got mad and left me on read but whatever.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't ever catch a break. School, school, school, school, school, work, and work. Every. Single. Day. Like are you fucking serious. And people have the fucking audacity to get mad at me when I'm always tired and sleeping but still making fucking bank and keeping a 3.9 GPA and not going off the fucking wall and managing to keep myself in a good mood so i don't go off on everyone and CONSTANTLY fucking taking care of my little brothers as if they were my own children and CONSTANTLY fucking cleaning when I'm 15 fucking years old. I need a break. They seriously get fucking mad at me when I call off work because I fucking threw up in the driveway as I was leaving. Are you fucking serious. I'm gonna throw up in your fucking restaurant next time then stupid ass bitch. I'm so fucking angry. I'm 15 fucking years old. How the fuck am I supposed to do this. When did everybody start expecting this from me. I'm doing more than the fucking adults I'm around. Adults get days off work. They get days where they get to sleep in and chill. I never have a chance. Not to mention the emotional baggage i carry around all the time. I just can't do it anymore. I cannot fucking remember the last time I like went to the mall with a friend or had a day where I just laid down. I just can't do this.




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