Shine's secret place
2020-01-30 13:43:08 (UTC)

A day of idleness

I'm here to record my daily life and some immature tiny thoughts, also, to reflex myself and to find out who I am.
Ok, here we go!
After a long month of 12/7 uni life, today, I finally don't have to go there. Although I have a presentation tomorrow and have to prepare for it..
I have a slight headache and snizz sometime, hopefully, I'm not infected by Coronavirus, idk what I'm worried about, I'm away from my motherland and the chance is pretty low tho..
I sent the group assignment to our coach this morning, made some mistakes, and I did feel bad about myself. I always am careless and tend to make mistakes, for this reason, I blame myself very often, but I still am being clumsy. It's like a circle of self-blame, I've been falling in the trap many times but still repeat it. I can't figure out why, I may need to talk to a consultant.
I should enjoy the precious idleness, no school, teamwork, and assignments bothering me, but I've been feeling anxious and upset since this morning. It feels like, I'm wasting my time and doing nothing useful. The feeling of anxiety has been following me for years, I thought it's because of the environment, the society is always pushing us and telling us to be useful, otherwise, you'll be nobody, and it sucks. In a long period of time, I was hoping when I'm off I would be ok, cos no more propaganda or whispering from everywhere, I should be enjoying living in the moment and not being worried about things that happened, or not happen yet.
It turned out I was wrong, I'm still worried and what's worse, I found out it's deeply in my mind, it's already internalized and can't be taken out.
Anyway, I've also been trying to find solutions to this. Always trying to save my own ass and becoming better, that's what I usually do lol..
Next month I won't be as busy as this month and I will try some new things out, like the gym, some extra fun courses.

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