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2020-01-24 19:34:11 (UTC)

Snow Owl

Shamaness's diary entry this morning reminded me of two things; the birthday drawing I wanted to give J once, and that A's birthday is only a week away.

I go soft on birthdays, it reinforces my belief that every individual should be celebrated for the sake of being alive. So a soft spot was triggered this morning and almost automatically, I revisited the idea of the drawing I wanted to give. It was supposed to be his favorite animal in white, triumphing over a snake, and in the background the sombre colors he likes best; black, gray, purple, brown... At least, that was according to a now imaginary friend. I had a vision for that one but not the right skills and material. This morning a similar one surfaced in mind and I was almost well into the zeal of actually putting it down on paper. Then, it occurred to me. Why should he still receive a gift like that just because I'm capable of forgiving? Part of presenting a gift is a selfish act, I know, but the other more dominant part is for the receiver to appreciate it and cherish it. And he probably won't. So why spend the effort? I say I'll create the drawing anyway just to show myself that I can. If I'm so proud of it then I'll share it. I already know what material to use and the animals in the composition. I'll do it because I'm an artist, and that's what artists do.

As for A, we haven't spoken in months. He's been on my mind lately, and I think my remembering his birthday may be just an excuse to talk to him. Our last conversation was possibly beginning of December. And on New Year's Eve I texted him a greeting and he responded with heart and flower emojis. Then nothing after that. I miss talking to him because I like him, but I'm also very worried about initiating contact. I'm worried about getting sucked into something that feels good only because I can't receive it from C right now. At the same time, I'm telling myself that this prolonged silence indicates he's found someone, or gave up on me, or maybe just forgot me entirely. In which case it would be weird to still be contacting him. But at the same time my mind also wanders to the worst still. In which case I'd be a friend if I still contacted him to make sure he's okay. Either way, the birthday is still an excuse to test the waters. I just thought of a small gift to go with it too. No matter what happens though, I'm not possessive. He's a handsome and intelligent young man with a free spirit and I truly hope he finds his happiness.

I need to find a way to cope with the fact that all the things that I need aren't found in one combination. This is where a woman is reminded to look inwards for satisfaction when the external environment can't offer her what she needs. Another step in the evolutionary scale, I presume. Another level passed into the labyrinth.

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