Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-01-24 01:39:39 (UTC)

So I'm sitting in my room ..

So I'm sitting in my room acting like I have homework to do (which I do) when I could be downstairs hanging with roommates. A thing I feel shame for avoiding. But honestly, I feel like I need to write down what I was thinking of just earlier.

While waiting for the bus I spent time sitting with the thought of how hard it is to motivate me to do the simplest of homework tasks. I wonder where this resistance comes from since it's not in alignment with what I'm valuing consciously. And I landed on the conclusion it has something to do with my self-worth. Like, I don't think I deserve the effort it takes to show up so consistently.

but also I know it's more complicated than that because It's not that I don't think I deserve the effort exactly, it's that the effort it takes is more than just the showing up- it's the mentally choosing to be present vs. enrapt in my own misery, which takes a lot of conscious acknowledgement of where my mind is. It's learning to untangle myself from that sadness, and learning to put that in its place. It's learning to be forgiving toward me whenever I make a mistake and learning to not compound my misery from my anger at myself.

This is a bit much really to me. Talking about my feelings in such a transparent way feels so exposing.
But there's more too.

Cus tonight in class I kept finding myself looking back for that guy who I've developed a crush on just from our one interaction. The crush I don't even want to have. Actually, it's not really a crush but an obsession. Although obsession is alittle stronger of a word than I'm looking for.

It's just. ok. I saw him talking with these other cute girls and I realized my overinterperetation of his flirting with me as anything more than just him being flirty, which is the type of person he is. I just felt like I was put in my place tonight, and I got a real check in on how my perspective is warped by my lonesome personality. Lonesome? antisocial?
yah

I need to fix this.

This isn't the sort of thinking I mean to engage in. I'm trying to learn, above all this school-learning, how to prioritize myself and the sorting I'd like to be showing up for in my life.

////

I realized earlier that I'm somewhat comfortable with the level of effort I put into my life. I mean, I keep my consciousness in this lane of effort and nothing really challenges it, and the things that do I have grown accustomed to writing off as extraneous. Which I'm not proud of.

I'm uncomfortable with the valuation of my worth that the level of effort I'm showing up to give puts me at.
I mean, worth isn't just intrinsic exactly. It's flexible, and it shapes to the accrued effort you put into your life.

And I've been spending a long time avoiding that process of increasing the level of effort you put into your life because I don't like butting up against that question; 'is this the sort of life I deserve?'
The challenge and emotions that question poses to me feels at times insurmountable. Not to mention when I answer it with a straight yes or no, the entire volume of history my decision is based upon bubbles up and wants to surface as some sort of uncontainable rage.

I'm angry. I know this because I just know. but I feel like I have to say it because it doesn't show. and I'm not very good at expressing it (except for sabotaging my personality in ways only I would notice)
And I'm angry at myself. and I don't know what to do with that feeling of rage besides let myself turn into a depression.

there's another option though, theoretically speaking. I could assemble myself into a healthy personality and become the sort of person that could set straight the issues that keep enraging me. I could become who I need to straighten myself out.

theoretically, that feels like a long shot.
Fucking Ethan. for him I have to do this thing.
Actually; for me. For me for him. for me. unfortunately there is no him, just the reminder that the people you've always dreamed of do fucking exist, even when the world tells you that those dreams are a myth.




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