Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2020-01-21 21:13:05 (UTC)

Plan A

I feel like I'm so angry all the time. I was thinking about my mom today and I'm just so angry for her. I wanna hurt everyone who has ever hurt her. Her life is so unfair. I'm so lucky to have a mom like her and I'm such a terrible kid. She really said just the other day, "I don't know what I'd do without all my kids. I wake up just to serve yall, I feel like it's my sole purpose in life." My mom's mom was so horrible. Beat the shit out of her, invaded her privacy, called her all kind of names, kicked her out when she got pregnant with my older brother type of horrible. And my mom is so much better than her. I'm so grateful. I just don't feel like I could ever repay her. I know she's sick. She's sick with something. She's always complaining of pain in her chest and I'm pretty sure she broke or sprained her knee at least and she just let it heal and I know she has blood clots in her legs and I know she doesn't sleep for days and she definitely has some mental health issues but she just refuses to go the doctors because she doesn't think there is enough money for her and she'd rather make sure my older brother's car insurance is paid for than take care of herself. God I fucking hate my brother. How can he be selfish. 20 years old and still living here using electricity and water and getting his car insurance paid for and he's not even going to fucking school or working a serious job or going to the military like he said he was going to. She deserves the whole world but she's suffering so bad and I don't know how to fix it. My step dad is just as selfish. He doesn't even bother to take care of her. Fuck him. God I fucking wanna hurt someone so bad. It's not fair to her. She deserves so much more.

Last night might've been some sort of victory. Leo kept texting Noe and threatening to call her if I didn't behave. So I just gave in. I told him I gave up. He wins. I lose. He threatened to call Katie. I said sure, go ahead. That we were done so he could do what he wanted. That I gave up and I was done begging him to stay.

It felt so good when I knew I sparked fear in him, fear that I would really leave. He offered to send me pics of him, which he hardly ever does and he knows I want to see him more. I still said I didn't care and that I was done trying. He didn't want to give in and he didn't want to beg, but I knew I made him think I was really leaving because I wasn't begging him not to get with other girls. After a while of him trying to threaten me into staying, he said, "It's getting annoying now." Like it was just a game? Like, it was fun for a little bit because it was thrilling but now you don't like it anymore? Then am I like Leo? I like the thrill just as much.

But of course, I'll never change so I stayed with him. His whole, "I love you. You're mine for forever." type bullshit.

He also said, "I'm not done with you yet."

That made me feel sick. And scared. I can hardly put my thought process into words. The fuck does he mean he's not done with me yet? So he really has just been using me this whole time? Or he's going to keep abusing me until I really have nothing left to give? I don't want that but it's too hard to leave. I told him how much he destroyed me and made me feel so emotionally drained and how insecure and ugly he makes me feel. All he had say was, "mmm"

I accused him of lying when he said he loved me and he freaked the fuck out.
"You always cheated on me broke my fucking heart you stupid bitch
You want to act stupid I'll fucking shatter your heart"

It makes me feel bad. I never really feel bad about cheating on him before because I thought he didn't care. If Michael had cheated on me I wouldn't have care because I didn't love him. So maybe he really did care? And I really did hurt him when I cheated? I don't wanna be the person that breaks someones heart, but yet that's all I do. I feel so bad now. So incredibly guilty. I could've treated him better. So, to an extent, don't I deserved to be treated the way he treats me? I don't deserve his kindness, or anyone's kindness really. How do I have the right to say I'm done? He should've said that when he figured out I cheated on him the first time. It is kinda my fault.

So, the plan is to just keep being good. I'll be the best girlfriend so that when he says something mean again, it'll be all his fault and I can leave him without any guilt.

I think I'll really try and be good.




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