Bauhaus

Daily journal
2020-01-21 19:33:58 (UTC)

End of high school

[Written Saturday, 28 December 2019, 23:59]

So this entry is technically not on the day it was supposed to be.
I’m actually writing it at about quarter past midnight. Had to manually change the time of the entry so my dates still go in sequence. [Yes that matters to me]
And that is indeed the most interesting thing about today.

In my last entry I mentioned how I always showed up for school early for years and waited at the same spot outside my homeroom.
It occurred to me this might seem strange. So I just thought I would clarify that through a funny little quirk of fate, I had the exact same homeroom for the last three years of highschool (at least three years; I don’t really remember much before that).
It was nice. A constant. It was also my maths classroom.

There aren’t really any other major points to cover in highschool. My ongoing mental struggle - Talita; and my short-lived friendship with Janeska are about it.
Other than that are just a bunch of small memories, which I’m not sure are worth even writing down.
E.g. how the mom of one of the girls in my grade was the teacher of the arts class and I didn’t like that class at all. How I had maybe two good friends throughout school and maybe a handful of other people I was on nice enough terms with to be able to stand with them during break (of course I haven’t kept in contact with any of these people since leaving school). How I tried becoming friends with a more popular group of guys and that failed miserably. How one of Talita’s friends connected the password to unlock my phone to Talita’s name and immediately told her. How a teacher thought I threw something out of a window just because I apparently had a guilty face (no I didn’t have anything to do with it).

I don’t really think any of these things are worth writing about in more detail now. The issue with them is that either there genuinely isn’t any more to write about, or there may be more but the thing doesn’t actually have any influence on me today.

Though while writing and recalling that list, I am reminded of one habit I’ve picked up that I haven’t mentioned yet.
Whenever a memory comes to me that makes me feel ashamed or angry, I swear at myself, out loud if no-one is within earshot.
I’m not sure exactly when or why I picked up this habit, but I remember since back at the end of highschool I’ve been swearing at myself.
I think it may be as part of a coping mechanism to try and cut off the offending memory.
If that’s the case, it does actually work sometimes.
But yeah i imagine there must’ve been a few times that people have heard me and I seemed like a crazy person. Which I am, to be fair.
[In recent years I've managed to mostly stop verbally swearing at myself and just use various hand gestures instead. Not all of which are rude]

Think it’s time to move on to university in the next entry.




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