Songbird System

Raven
2020-01-21 14:01:21 (UTC)

Internal Screaming

I mean, I'm always internally screaming but that's not the point. Really, after doing this shit for five years, I've been running out of titles...for actually years now. There are over three-hundred entries of this damn thing.

Anyway, I'll keep doing them because I know they're good and all, but I'm just beginning which is the sucky part. So fuck exposures. They're really good in the long run but holy shit, I feel like shit. And I'm still disturbingly good at acting 'normal' while I'm literally having a fight inside my brain over the stupidest of shit. Because mental illness makes you focus on the weirdest and most illogical of shit.

Oh, I'm starting to do more things. My theatre kid knowledge has made it so I'm seeing Dear Evan Hansen on Broadway soon for only twenty dollars...and totally not freaking out because I'm going to have to go to a closing night broadway show all by myself. I'm like, well this show is strangely fitting since Evan also deals with social anxiety. And that's what I'm beating by dragging my ass there and hoping my head doesn't explode.

So nothing has really been happening. I'm tired again because, oh, look at that, its 2:00 AM. I'm sure I still have this goddamn time wrong on here and for the love of God, its been actual years. I just feel like I'm dragging myself through the day so I can finally get a job. Oh, I finally set up that vocal demo too...because I'm a voice actor...this diary is so old and long I honestly don't remember if I told that about myself. There's so much shit in this diary that I just don't have time to read through it all again. And really, younger me was a dumbass. But I think most kids are dumbasses because they're kids. That's how they grow.

...I think my therapist is the only other person who realizes how much of a perfectionist I am because I wasn't allowed to make mistakes in my youth. Seriously, Morgan would go on and on about how she knew everything about me, and honestly, figuring out I'm a perfectionist isn't really that fucking hard. My relationship with Morgan is still complicated, but, considering I absolutely hated her guts at some point during this diary, I find it to be an improvement. But then again, I had very legit reasons to hate Morgan. I still do. Because Morgan continues to treat me like shit, which is why I consider Liz, my close online friend I think I've mentioned before, as my true sister now. Well, clearly, Liz has her personality flaws, but we literally all have our personality flaws. That's literally part of being human. Liz is always there for me and I'm always there for her. Morgan has stabbed me in the back more times than I can count. And Jolene is so jealous of our existence that she gave a suicidal girl a hate letter so...yeah, I'm not talking to Jolene anymore since her behavior towards Morgan is legit terrifying. Its like she wants her to actually commit suicide...actually, that's probably it considering her fucked up world view. I mean, she also tried to send me hate mail, but she sent it to like my middle school email I have been locked out of for years because I made the security question a stupid riddle I don't remember the answer to. Seriously, Jolene, please stop be pissed at us for fucking existing.

I mean, I think reading this diary all the way through is jarring, especially because I know a lot more of the truth now and have gotten more mature. I sure hope so considering I'm twenty and an actual fucking adult.

Oh, I've decided to do something insane but awesome. I'm going to train once again in the martial arts. It's a selfish reason which isn't good for the art, but I'm going to beat my cousin one day in a duel. Considering he's one of the best martial artists in his age group in California, it will be hard but I feel like I can do it. I'm literally planning to go Karate Kid on his ass.




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