Ben

Stuff
2020-01-21 08:20:10 (UTC)

I do not know where to ..

I do not know where to begin... It feels like something terrible is going to happen, soon. That feeling you get deep down... I feel like im losing my self control... I cannot stop smoking pot for the life of me... Not that thats a terrible thing but I spend a lot of time doing that, money consumed on it... But the pot is just the tip of the iceburg, ive been hitting myself lately... and ive held it in as much as I can, its been a few months, but sometimes I stare into a mirror wondering if I should just hit myself to make me feel better. I will hop in my car and drive for hours getting really stoned and trying to gather the courage to do it.. every time I think of Jason and how sad he would be and I chicken out and some where deep inside it hurts even more.

Rosa cheated on me, ironically the same time I made my last post. Three years ago. In that time I have had multiple girlfriends..... I don't know frankly how to ask for help. I don't want to bother someones day... Ruin it somehow... If I could just disappear and no one would notice, i'd have done so. I feel like no matter what I do, I do not deserved to be loved and what Rosa did to me just cements the fact that no matter what happens in life, as far as the courts go... As far as the police go; I am a piece of shit. I did not even do the crime convicted but since I am... Convicted I guess I should just own up to being garbage. Why fight it anymore. No one will hire me. No one gives a fuck about me... I amjust a piece of fucking shit and it does not matter what I think.... I try so fucking hard just not to hurt myself, it literally feels like my skin is crawling underneath me. Biting my lip and watching the blood come out gives me a lot of satisfaction.

I hope I can just lay down and never wake up


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