Songbird System

Raven
2020-01-20 15:01:28 (UTC)

I went completely off topic like usual

Okay, in my age, I finally realize Fates is trash. But it's my trash goddammit and I love it. I used to have shit taste but literally every teenager has shit taste. That's part of the fun of being that age. Still now, I don't care about whether or not a piece of media is considered 'good' or 'bad', if I liked it, I did, and, if I didn't, I just have to hope that the fanbase doesn't come murder me for my own opinions.

But, enough with that, let's talk about something fun since this diary has always been more of a downer. I mean, because it's about horrible trauma, but I think people would be interested to learn more about me outside of the trauma. But, plot twist, I'm going to talk about trauma anyway. Because this is me...and I'm talking about Three Houses. Which is about lots of trauma. Also, I can't believe I'm still writing this in a diary, but spoilers. Wow. I guess you guys get to learn about my current philosophy. Since I've changed a lot since the start of the diary and I've definitely matured. Reading some of my old diaries makes me cringe. Like oh my godddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd...one of those guys is trying to catfish you and JJ is a piece of shit. Oh my God, so many horrible decisions. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

In all seriousness, let's talk about what I wanted to talk about. If I want to talk about my past mistakes, I can do that in another diary. After all, this is supposed to help me go to sleep and not think about my trauma since its past 3 AM. I always sleep better when its past 3 AM. Anyway, I'm talking about Fire Emblem: Three Houses and basically going to go all deep drive. Of course its 3 AM and I'm going to forget some things because its 3 AM and I'm talking about a game with hundreds of hours of content. If anybody actually still reads this diary anymore, since like all of my followers are from years ago, I'll happily talk about...well, anything in my messages. But feel free to talk about philosophy. I actually like people not agreeing with me, since it helps further my philosophy and keeps me in check. Surrounding yourself with like-minded people and only that will make you grow closed-minded. It's always good to keep an open mind. Except if a person is like an animal or child abuser. Fuck them. I still have my over-protectiveness over animals and children so yeah, that shouldn't surprise anyone.

Anyway finally to the philosophy and talking and fangirling about shit...a couple paragraphs in. Watch this like not talk about Three Houses whatsoever as I get constantly distracted by other points of conversation. Because that's something I would do...and I lost my train of thought and now time to get it back. Why, yes, I am pulling up the Three Houses soundtrack and listening to it to remember what the fuck I'm writing about since its 3 AM and I really should be going to sleep but when have I ever gone to sleep in a sensible time...??

I should go to sleep. Oh my God, I truly did not talk about what I wanted with this entry. But that's because I'm deciding to be responsible for once and trying to go to sleep. Only to stay up all night constantly plagued by my mental illnesses. Yippee. It's fun being me. But hey, I should at least try, even though it hasn't worked in years. I can always talk about this tomorrow instead. And, oh my God, I forgot to take a shower and I probably smell like sweat and period blood. Which smells like shit. But I can't take a shower because my mom is sleeping, and, even if my mom wasn't here, I live in an apartment and taking a shower on the top floor at 3 AM is basically viewed as a giant no no. So um, guess I'm going to try to remember to take a shower tomorrow before I go to my therapy session. Even though a part of me really wishes that the therapy center is closed during Martin Luther King's Day. I know that's my mental illness speaking because it wants to win so I'm going to drag my ass there anyway and go through emotionally exhausting exposures and feel like shit but hey, just look at the improvement. Literally last month I was constantly just calling myself a worthless whore in my mind literally nonstop. And now I'm not doing that. See, improvement. I mean, I probably should've told my therapist that, but my therapist is lucky I even reported the amount of my past that I did with him. Because I'm not really used to opening up to others...at all. Whenever I disclose anything from my past, I think it becomes clearer and clearer why I'm the way that I am. To a lot of people, it's like solving a giant puzzle, or like reading a mystery novel with a lot of twists and turns.

But I really should go to sleep. I mean my therapist wants me to prepare a speech about bunnies that can last for five minutes. I mean I can just make that up on the top of my mind since that's what I'm good at. And I know a lot about bunnies since I volunteer with ones that have been abandoned and abused (gee, I wonder why). But, even though I want bunnies, I don't want any because having them gives me too much stress because Lisa would go on and on about how they would get eaten like her rabbit and Morgan would constantly nag me about everything I did wrong and how bad of a rabbit owner I was (which isn't true, fuck you...not really, but...God, I've such complicated feelings about Morgan and I can't express them to my mom since she's still going crazy over her attempted suicide). Really, I'm a cat person...and now I miss Sky...because I had to leave him behind with that fucking bitch...my poor precious baby boy...and now I'm crying. Fuck. I just really miss Sky and I want my baby but fucking JJ has him. I had to leave him behind...how could I do such a thing!? He was my baby boy! I was the one who picked him out! I was the one who comforted him with storms and whenever he was anxious. He would sometimes snuggle up to me in bed and I would go the whole night without going to the bathroom with my bladder issues because he was so comfortable and warm. And now he's with JJ...by himself...I'm so sorry I had to leave you behind Sky...God, I'm so horrible...but I just had to escape that bitch! Please forgive me Sky. Please.

...Oh God...yep, I still got issues. And here comes the overwhelming self loathing and guilt again. And time to do all of the progress again since I've reverted to stage zero. Urgh. Goddammit. This was supposed to be a happier entry but I just got reminded that my stupid ass decisions fucking doomed my precious cat. I miss him. Why...why am I always forced to leave my pets behind to escape abusive situations!? GODDAMMIT! Why am I so fucking worthless?! FUCKING GODDAMMIT! FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.




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