Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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2020-02-29 03:41:17 (UTC)

February 2020 (2)

2/16/2020 Sunday 11:37 PM

I'd love to make my private MD blog public long enough to see if it gets any views, but I don't want to risk Aly seeing it. Besides, there are too many full names in it. It's unlikely I’d be sued but anything is possible and I don't want to take any chances until I'm at the end of my life.

I feel horrible for Aly. She was supposed to get out of the hospital today or tomorrow but now her IBS is acting up and she's got another partial blockage. This girl just can't get a break! I would feel so cursed if I was her, but believe me, I already do when it comes to my anxiety. I wonder if she's ever going to feel better more often and have fewer doctor’s appointments. I hope so for her sake!

My boobs are still sore and I felt anxious today and yesterday, even though I cut today's pill. Now I'm back to thinking there's something more going on besides just the medication. I wonder if it's tied into these PMS symptoms. Either way, it's very discouraging and frustrating. The longer I have these feelings, even if they’re intermittent and not consistent, the more I lose hope of them ever going away for good. Tom still feels sure they will. Well, if there was ever one thing and one thing only that I hope he gets right out of all the things he feels will and won't happen, it's that. Really hope this doesn’t turn into an actual period, but if it does, I’m looking at about a month of PMS since PMS gets longer and longer with age.

He was telling me he was reading about one of Holland America’s cruise ships being delayed in Asia due to the coronavirus thing and then he read that it was the Westerdam and was like, wow, I was on that ship. Yep, we were on it in 2006 when I won my first trip.

Speaking of firsts, I made my first tempura-battered mushrooms. It was SO good even though I didn't make much because I was learning and ran out of oil. Had to use olive oil even though they recommend vegetable oil. I'll make more some other time. It was delicious! I'm also going to get a screen splatter guard for when I'm frying things on the stove that makes a mess.

We walked for 1.9 miles in 35 minutes. We would have hit the 2-mile marker had we gone all the way to the back of the park.

I was watching yet another Jodi Arias special on Hulu and was surprised that she's got an appeal going that’s successfully gotten the prosecutor in her case, Juan Martinez, suspended on paid leave. I'm just surprised she was able to get it that far even though I don't doubt there was at least some misconduct on his part. Those in law enforcement and those connected to the courts always think they're invincible. I still think she'll lose and that all that will happen to the guy in the end is that he gets a paid vacation of sorts. As twisted as our legal system often is, he's been a prosecutor for decades, the courts protect their own, and they're not going to side with him over a murderer. At least I can't imagine they would.

2/17/2020 Monday 9:39 PM

I was surprised to learn that a healthy BMI for a typical woman in the US is between 25-31. Well, I'm 31. As I was telling Aly, I'm not that big but could stand to lose a little even though I never do. I guess I'm just a typical middle-aged person. Although I certainly wouldn't discourage anyone that wanted to lose weight, I feel like I would be lying to them if I told them things like, “You got this” or “You can do this!”

The reality is that they're unlikely to lose the weight and keep it off for very long if they do. So, I wouldn't want to tell them they could do something they're unlikely to succeed with unless they're around 20 years old perhaps and don't have any medical problems or food addictions.

Lawrence really has project addictions, that's for sure. I don't think he's the bastard that woke me up, but I was woken up twice by something loud going by. It came in at 9 and then left 20 minutes later, whatever it was. At first I thought it was Diane's Pride bus, but they pick her up at 8:30 and don't take 20 minutes to do it. Either way, I’ve been tired all day…again.

When we went out to Safeway to grab some things, that restoration truck was and back again. So, I guess this is yet another project that will take who knows how many days or weeks.

So glad Google did away with inserting punctuation when using speech-to-text, presumably because they got a lot of complaints. I thought it was cool at first but then I quickly came to hate it because it was breaking up sentences and causing too many errors.

Anyway, we ran out to Safeway where I got some vegetable oil and was amazed to find not raw peanuts but unsalted ones in the shell.

I made up the rest of the tempura with mushrooms which ended up making quite a mess and isn’t worth it in the end. It would work best with the strainer I thought we had but can't find, and a deep fryer as opposed to frying it in a skillet. Very hard to drain and very greasy even if you try to soak up the grease with paper towels. I'm paying for it now with a queasy stomach. We could easily get a deep fryer, but we have very limited space in the kitchen and it's definitely not healthy either.

We ordered a frying screen splatter guard and I got a set of a dozen full-size bottles of metallic nail polish each in a different color that has better reviews than the last set I got which is a bit dry and streaky.

Still have sore boobs and still don't know if it's going to amount to a period or not. I swear I had cramps at some point in my sleep, too. I've lost some of my water having Oolong tea and went down a pound. I'd like to drop 4-5 lb before my appointment so I don't go breaking records there but that would take a shitload of hunger. I'm trying to convince myself that the hunger is totally worth it for all kinds of health reasons. If I don't eat much, I help prevent debilitating weight gain which fucks with my mobility, diabetes, high blood pressure, such a high LDL score, and a whole host of other potential problems. There is an endless number of possible negatives if I continue eating. If I go hungry most of the time, there is only one negative and one negative only… hunger. That's it. Just being hungry. Really wish it was as simple as it sounds! But I did quit smoking after trying for many years by telling myself the same thing and that was all the negatives of smoking versus the benefits of quitting.

I got the idea to search for Molly on Twitter by adding the name of the group home she lives in, and sure enough, she does have a new account... And so does Aly. Knew she was lying about ghosting her. The question is why she wants to keep their friendship a secret. I've already made it more than clear to her that I support her right to be friends with whoever she wants to be friends with, whether I think it's a good idea or not.

She really is such a fucking liar in general. I don't get it. Is it some sort of addiction she can't help? Or is it just fun for her? Really dampens my trust in her in some ways.

She definitely doesn't tweet much more from that account than she does from the one we're connected on. She supposedly created it to keep track of her weight and health but only has 6 tweets, the last one being a month ago. Even Molly tweets not being sure if Aly uses Twitter anymore.

So they're not doing Skype or Whatsapp together like I thought they were then? Maybe not because she hasn't been on WhatsApp in almost a month. She did say she used to be in touch with some people there that stopped using it. Yeah, probably because messages going through were hit or miss.

Aly has been contradicting about her weight. She mentioned a while back about gaining weight even though she's been walking more, then there's this account where she expresses a desire to lose weight. Yet a few days ago she was telling me that they devised a menu for her to add a few hundred more calories. I asked her about it earlier and she said she gained back some of what she lost and isn't under or overweight.

I don't know, I've always gotten the feeling that like with Andy, she likes being the opposite of me. Maybe she's heavier than she lets on but doesn't say so in order to have one less thing in common with me.

Not that it matters in the end, but I can't begin to really guess what her weight really is. I've learned that being hypo doesn't always mean you're fat just like being hyper doesn't always mean you're skinny. I’m sure being sick messed with her appetite for a while, though.

I’ve seen pictures of her taken when she was around 30 and she looked a lot like me, maybe even bigger. She had to have been in the 140s, possibly even the 150s or higher. If her weight was that high that young, she could be pretty heavy now and maybe more likely to end up even heavier than I am. Anyway, as long as she's healthy and happy. She's looking at being discharged Wednesday and I wonder if this is finally the end of her health problems for a while other than some tummy issues. Doubt it, though, unfortunately.

2/18/2020 Tuesday 10:51 PM

Slept a little better last time, but still woke up a few times along the way. I don't think anyone woke me up, though. The only problem is that where my boobs seemed like they were getting less sore, now they feel sorer. I dropped another pound but that could be from not eating as much and not that I'm losing water. Tom said I looked less watery, though, so maybe it is.

Had a dream I was stuck in some hotel but couldn't afford a room for that night. I approached a group in one room that consisted of a woman and two guys. They were somewhere in their thirties. I asked if I could crash in their room and they surprised me by saying I could.

Later, I was walking through the hallway and looked out a window and down into the parking lot where I saw Tom's car parked and realized he was able to get a room somewhere. I found that room and entered it. As he began talking about whatever, I interrupted and said, “Why sleep in a room full of strangers when I can sleep right here?”

He seemed annoyed that I interrupted him.

I later caught the group in the hallway as they were exiting their room and told them I didn't need to stay with them and asked to get my stuff. I wondered if they went through my purse and ran my name online trying to look me up or anything like that when I wasn't around.

Next, I was in a public bathroom and couldn't bring myself to go because I felt awkward and exposed since the gaps in the doors were a bit wide. There were even gaps in the side panels.

I also had a dream that Tom had a daughter with someone he knew before we met that he broke up with when the kid was born. It was decided at that time that he wouldn't be a part of its life because they believed it was better that way. I wondered if he would have the same attitude had it been a boy and if it had anything to do with him not wanting kids with me.

2/19/2020 Wednesday 10:41 PM

Why does society still feel the need to point out single mothers despite becoming so commonplace? Half the moms out there are single, yet you still hear, “Single mom, so and so, blah blah blah…” Married moms are less common and yet you never hear, “Married mom, so-and-so, blah blah blah…” Just wondering why that is.

Anyway, if it weren't for my headphones, I don't know that I would enjoy my walk very much. I could hear some of the commercial planes, small planes, vintage planes and helicopters over the music blasting in my ears as it was. The small planes were flying so low I could see the propellers. Knowing I have to live with this for another four years and that I still may not be able to escape it even then makes me want to scream. I almost always do something to the tune of something flying over my head. I cook to the sound of helicopters. I pee to the sound of commercial planes. I clean to the sound of Cessnas. There is rarely any break from them, even in the middle of the night.

Other than the annoying sounds from above and on the ground, the only thing I'm going to miss about this place is that it's great for walking most of the time. It's a dry, temperate climate without many bugs and even less humidity.

Tom is now suspecting that there may be a bunch of layoffs this summer but doesn't know if he'll be one of the ones to be laid off.

I've been eating very little and very healthy and my blood pressure is almost normal! Even my HR is amazingly and comfortably low at 74. That was when I was just sitting around, though.

I realize I can't make every single journal entry I ever wrote perfect and that people can understand what I'm saying well enough as it is, but I'm still going through them and fixing little things. I do a month a day. I’m at mid-1993 right now. The way I was so deprived of sex and had to fight like hell just to get a decent piece of ass was ridiculous. Yeah, because nothing up there might have had it in for me sexually and there was never any sex curse on me, right?

I'm so glad I got Aly, who is now home from the hospital, to switch to Skype. Not only is it so much more reliable but I love how I can sneak a peek at her messages and then mark them as unread if I'm not in the mood to reply right away, since one of her pet peeves is people reading her messages without replying right away.

2/20/2020 Thursday 9:55 PM

Hmm…what do I want tonight, planes or the air cleaner? Kind of sick of having the air cleaner running so I think I'll turn it off and just listen to the planes, helicopters and freeway. The commercial planes should be done in a few hours. Oh, to give my ears a break from all sound for just a few hours! At least the small planes were quieter than I thought they would be last night. All I heard after midnight was the freeway, but it was only for a couple of hours.

Not all the small planes are from the McClellan Airport. There's another one called Mather.

Time to start sleeping with the fan on and setting the AC when I'm going to be sleeping during the daytime. We're going to hit 75 degrees tomorrow. We've got several days coming up in the mid-70s. I'm starting to wonder if it's going to rain again before next fall.

Nahji, my new Indian doll, arrived today and is quite lovely. She's from the Heart for Hearts collection and was on sale at $34. There was one as low as $27 but not one I wanted.

2/22/2020 Friday 12:39 AM

I've noticed that when I'm lying down, I sometimes feel this burning-tingling sensation in my outer right thigh. I Googled that symptom and came up with something called meralgia paresthetica. The top reasons for this are being obese, pregnant or diabetic. Well, I’m none of these things, but if I had to guess, it's probably because I’m slightly heavy.

I was pretty light-headed earlier. More light-headed than I have been in a while. I'm guessing it's due to going back to full doses. Again I wonder if the doctors might have a point about other things causing the anxiety. I’ve had some days where I was more anxious on partial doses. Yet now I’m taking full doses and I’m fine. I think it could be tied into why I'm getting PMS symptoms. My boobs aren't as bad as they were before but they're still somewhat sore.

As far as whether or not I have any nodules growing on the left side of my thyroid, I don't know. I know for a fact that when they did the ultrasound in 2014, they did find a couple of small nodules there. The question is have they grown? I don't think they're cancerous since most of them aren't. Thyroid nodules are actually pretty common, from what I read, and most people have at least one by age 60.

Unfortunately, it looks like our betta fish is dying. He hasn't even made a bubble nest in a while now, and he is getting old. He doesn't seem to have as much energy and has been lying sort of on his side, which isn't usually a good sign.

The water was off while I slept. Damn bidet spit some air at me when I got up, so that's how I could tell.

Doing the laundry now and tomorrow we’ll change the rats’ cage and the pigpen. Going to be too tired by the time he goes to Sam's, but we'll go out somewhere later. Sunday morning, I should be good to go to Walmart.

The metallic nail polish set is absolutely fantastic. Very vibrant colors and very heavily pigmented where I only need one coat. They have a set of neon colors I’m going to get as well and then I'll be set on polish for years.

It kind of bothers me that Aly never commented or asked me about the sickos in Arizona but I bet I can guess why. What bothers me more is that she always, always seems to know things she shouldn't know like the fact that I found her “secret” Twitter account in which she has now blocked me from. How the fuck could she possibly know that??? It's got me wondering... Have I been tracked or hacked? Was it something I said in my blog? Have I shown up as a suggested account for her to follow due to my nosing around? Has she got a tracker I don't know about? Or could she be hacking in and reading copies of my journal on sites that don't have two-factor authentication? I hope not, but I gotta admit it's kind of funny to think of her reading things she would want to let me have it for yet she would be forced to keep her mouth shut. Of course, if she is hacking me, then she'll know that because she'll read this entry.

She'll also know that I threw in some tests in the entry I just sent her to see if she'll point them out. I left in an order I gave Alexa that got printed in because I forgot to disable voice typing, plus an unfinished sentence.

Just thinking back on how she always knew it was me that would ask her anonymous questions as well as anonymous questions I once asked Molly on Ask makes me wonder. Plus, there was MyOpera. When I was fucking with Molly there along with Kathy, she told Molly (as Karly or something like that) that there were two people harassing her and then she offered to message her and tell her what was going on. Well, those two sites have/had shitty security.

In the book I'm reading, a character describes people as being opportunists and pests. This is so true not to mention liars as well. Despite her admitting in the past that she knows she has a problem with lying, she doesn't seem to have done much to change, and I know the smart thing to do would be to walk away. But unless she dumps me again, it's not that easy. Unlike Andy, Tammy and others, there's so much good in her that it's hard not to see that and focus on the good points while doing my best to ignore the bad. Perhaps I shouldn't have gone looking for her, knowing all along she didn't simply ghost Molly, but if anything, it just confirms that she's continuing to lie about her connection to the whack job. If she can lie about things like that, couldn't she lie about anything?

Last night I thought of how I miss checking book reports for sales and decided that rather than republishing my old books in my real name, I would go with a pen name that only Tom and I know about. That is unless Aly really is reading my journals, of course.

At first I wanted to be Camille Cole, which was suggested to me by one of those random name generators. But sure enough, someone's already going by that name, real or not. So Lexi Linden it is! I kind of like names where both the first and last name starts with the same letter.

I'm excited! Even though I know I'm not going to make shit, I’m looking forward to getting back in the publishing game just as soon as We'll Meet Again Someday is properly edited.

2/23/2020 Sunday midnight

Now Aly has protected her tweets, as I saw from my other Twitter accounts that she hasn't blocked me on. Can't help but wonder what it is she's hiding. If she isn’t hacking my account, then I was likely suggested to her after I peeked in on her and she probably blocked me then so her account wouldn't be suggested to me.

Based on Molly’s side of their communications, Aly is whining once again about people not being there for her and Molly, who is glad she's finally back, insists she does try to be there for her.

Just in case she's hacked into my Prosebox account, I've changed the password to something really strong even though she may have encryption software that can crack it, which is how she would have hacked me in the first place if she ever really did. Do I think she has? I just don't know, but this in conjunction with Ask and MyOpera definitely makes me wonder. No one’s that smart or intuitive, are they?

I read that something like 82% of those that try to get pregnant conceives within 6 months and again I can't help but wonder…would I have been one of those statistics if I’d had a husband who could perform normally? And if I had conceived, would I have carried to full term? I guess I'll never know, even though things worked out for the best in the end.

2/24/2020 Monday 9:35 AM

I hate control freaks. The kind that tries to cram their ways down your throat and make you be like them. The kind that prefers terms like African-American or Native American and then condemns those who are used to or prefer black and American Indian. Furthermore, referring to oneself as fat doesn't mean they're “mean” to themselves or hate themselves. It just means they're honest and telling it like it is without any fancy words or labels. Why do so many people seem to think there's a right and a wrong way to describe things? Whether you describe something positive as fabulous, fantastic, awesome or great doesn't make you wrong if the guy down the street prefers sensational and the woman across town prefers incredible. Just saying, you know. No, this doesn't have anything to do with me personally now. Just things I've observed amongst daily human interaction.

Really getting worried about my weight as I continue to have a harder and harder time controlling it. I think that before I know it, the 150s will be a thing of the past, and sadly, I’m only able to keep losing and gaining the same few pounds no matter where I am. So if I ever hit 165, I'll never see 160 again.

Did some research and found that it doesn't always have to do with willpower, as I've heard. There are so many reasons why a person can't control their weight and it doesn't always have to do with them being lazy or underactive. Read a little bit about genetics, habits of parents and grandparents affecting future generations, and leptin resistance.

The question is what to do so I don't eventually end up diabetic? There is so much information and misinformation out there that I don't know what to believe. Obviously, sugar isn’t good, and fish is healthier than red meat. But then there are diets that encourage not only low carbs but not going low fat or overly restrictive of calories. Some things get kind of confusing. I'm torn between whether or not I should keep on trying to find a solution or totally giving up and just letting my body gain whatever it wants even if I'm eventually 200 pounds or more. Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem really is to not deal with it at all, not that I expect everyone to agree with that, of course. If I decide to give up, though, that doesn’t mean I won’t still eat healthy most of the time and keep active. It just means I’m not going to try to go really low-cal or worry if I keep gaining. I'll just try to eat sensibly most days, keep active, and leave the rest to fate.

My GYN’s case is very discouraging. She told me she’s struggled with her weight all her life and she’s got to be close to 300 lbs. If a trained medical doctor can't help herself, how can I? Well, if I only had a decade left to live, I wouldn't want to. I would indulge to my heart's content. But I don't have just a decade. I realize that some of my weight is muscle but still... This has gotten really frustrating. So much so that yeah, I’m thinking perhaps it’s time to give up and accept myself as I am.

Damn these fucking pigs this morning! I put them in a plastic bin while I'm changing their liner and they just had to get into it. Rockefeller started it, as always. Kudos to Blitz for fighting back, though, as I'm guessing he did, based on the wad of fur in his mouth. I told Tom I really want to get rid of Rockefeller next weekend because I've had it with his shit. That way Blitz has more space, we don't have to change liners as often, and the rats can have their freedom again. I've had to limit their freedom because of Rockefeller. But he doesn't want to, saying he's an animal and he is who he is.

So a woman or a man should stay with their abusive partner because they are how they are?

It got a little cute when they were finally back in the pen and separated and then I let Fuzzy visit Blitz. Blitz has never minded and he was all the more grateful for the company because Rockefeller’s such a mean, hateful asshole. He was popcorning happily as if to say, “Yay, somebody else that walks on four legs that doesn't want to kill me!”

Fuzzy visits him regularly for a few minutes but they can't live together as Blitz wouldn't get much rest because Fuzzy would always want to climb all over him and clean him and all that. Plus, he would steal his food, making sure to drag it out of reach. Rats are hoarders, they’re thieves, and they're smart.

The pigs are proof that bigger isn't always tougher since Rockefeller isn't quite as big as Blitz, yet he's the one that starts the fights. But there are definitely limits. I saw a woman and a man at the store yesterday that were huge. They were taller rather than wide and I knew I could never take them in a fight no matter how pissed and determined I was.

Yesterday sucked in that I heard the woodpecker for the first time in a while and someone's motorcycle woke me up just as I was falling asleep. Probably the guy’s son that lives across from Dixie. His name is Tom. I told Dixie she ought to tell him that this isn't the place for that shit and that it's loud, rude, obnoxious and unnecessary. There are plenty of other quieter means of transportation.

She said she wouldn't tell him that because the sons live far away, motorcycles are cheaper for them, and they find it fun. That may be so but that's the problem with this world; people always have to have fun at other people's expense. Do they think it's “fun” to me when I get woken up?

Then as I was falling back asleep, what goes by but a tremendously loud car stereo. I was so pissed but finally fell asleep and the son left a few hours later without waking me up. I can't swear that was him but right now he's the only one that I know of on the circle that visits on a motorcycle. He can't live too far because I'm pretty sure he visits every weekend unless it's another son of his. I guess the guy has more than one. UPS and fire trucks are one thing, but other loud vehicles should be banned from retirement communities.

She gave me a good idea, though, when she asked if we had heavy drapes. She said she first thought it was the new windows that were keeping her place quiet/warm/cool, but discovered it was the drapes because when she would pull them apart was when she would notice the weather and all that, not that her place is totally quiet. I've heard stuff in her place as well, though the drapes were open when I was there. It's just not as loud, and as she said, we are on the corner. This may explain why getting new windows in the bedroom didn't help much. Heavy drapes are something I'll keep in mind for the next place. Until then, maybe if I get a new mattress, instead of getting rid of this one, I'll lean it against the back window. Don't know that it would do me much good, though. I'm simply too close to such loud sounds.

As I was saying to Tom, I don't know if it's wise to go to another park when we move after I thought about all the years I dreamt of being old enough to finally be able to move to one just to find that it's the noisiest place I've ever lived. But where were the two quietest places I've ever lived even if they too, sometimes had their share of noise? Out in the country. We had some sonic booms, distant hunters, and barking in Maricopa, and then there were Jesse’s mutts in Auburn, but there's no comparison.

It's tough because I'm torn between a tropical place in Florida or maybe getting some land up in the Carolinas where it would be colder, but cheaper and quieter. We're going to keep all our options open and check out everything when the time comes, but sadly, I've got quite a wait. Four years may not be forever but it's long enough to make me want to beat my head in the wall if I think about just how much longer I have to deal with the traffic, planes, landscaping, and random projects sprinkled into the mix, including road work.

I was also thinking about how happy we are with our electric car, even though I only ride in it and I can honestly say that's one more reason I'm glad Andy isn't in my life. I would have had to hear all the negative comments and reasons why that was such a bad thing to get as I excitedly told him about it rather than him simply being happy for us. Of course, it's always good to be looked out for and warned of potential problems, but it was just so overkill with him. He rarely had anything positive to say about much of anything and was always so pushy about things, too. He always focused on the negative aspect of things. It's easy to do at times like when this place really gets to me, but then I remind myself that at least I'm not in Nairobi or Dharavi.

Added a smart lock to my phone so I don't have to do the thumbprint thing every time I want to use it which should reach all the way down as far as the end of the circle. So it should still be unlocked at Dixie's place.

I’m keeping track of how many books I’ve read this year, but the counter is kind of deceptive. It says I've read 6 books, but I’ve actually read 11 since one of them was a boxset.

2/26/2020 Wednesday 6:11 AM

I went for a walk yesterday and it was a very cold walk at 45°. It's a little warmer this morning so it will probably be around 50° when I go out walking.

I'm not sure which is worse... What's going on in the sky or on the ground. On the ground are the usual traffic and landscaping sounds, plus the park was banging on something just beyond Bob & Virginia’s place yesterday. They've torn up the cobblestone in the center island down the street by Dixie’s place, but you know how it is here...they're always doing something. I'm dreading the next project that's really loud. This is the time of year where they go on tree cutting frenzies. I just hope when Lawrence gets to trimming the trees in front of his place that it's done when I'm awake since it’s only about 20 feet from the bedroom.

I've decided to make one last-ditch effort to lose a little weight by going low carb. I doubt it will work because I still have a bum thyroid and I'm older. If it doesn't, it's definitely time to give it up and hope I don't end up gaining too much more or become diabetic. I don't want to waste time struggling for what is it meant to be and fighting some losing battle for the rest of my life. If I play all my cards right and I don't lose the weight, then I guess I just wasn't meant to. But for the sake of my health, I'm going to give it one last try.

I'll be following a menu that mostly consists of meats, veggies and some berries. A little yogurt as well. There are some foods that are bad for hypothyroidism like broccoli, so even though it's one of my favorite vegetables, I'll have to cut back on it. I'm not giving up my morning coffee, but I need to drop the wine and severely limit things like spinach, peanuts, soy, and strawberries.

I read up on the dos and don'ts of going low-carb and it basically says don't overdo the protein, add some sodium if you start to feel lightheaded, fatigued or get constipation, and be patient. It takes a few days for your body to get used to burning fat instead of carbs. I still have my doubts because being hypo means your body can't burn much of anything. But it certainly can't hurt me to try it for a week or so. I'm going to weigh myself when I get up on Monday, the day I start the diet. Then I'm not going to weigh myself again until the following Monday. If I’m not down a pound or two, then it's time to move on. Moving on doesn't mean stuffing myself, eating unhealthily, and becoming inactive. It just means I no longer try to lose weight. There really does come a point in time with many things where it's okay to throw in the towel and give up. With all the years I've been trying, if this fails, I won't feel guilty or bad for giving up because I know I tried my best.

I have a strong feeling that Elton John is going to die soon but I don't know how or why. I was never a fan of his, but I don't hate his music either.

2/27/2020 Thursday 7:05 AM

It finally happened yesterday. What I thought would happen within a year or two after he started with Teleplan 8.5 years ago happened yesterday. He got laid off. The company is struggling tremendously and closing two of its five buildings and laying off hundreds of employees. Eventually, more will be laid off than kept on.

How do I feel about it? Well, I'm as shocked as I am not shocked. Although I sensed changed on the horizon (especially now that I’ve beaten the worse of the peri/anxiety) I’ve had no dreams or vibes suggesting a layoff, so I was blindsided. Yet at the same time, we knew it was coming. I knew the job and the money wouldn't last forever. I'm just surprised it lasted this long. Most jobs eventually do lay you off.

But why no nightmares or bad vibes? I'm hoping that even though no psychic sees it all, it's because there's simply nothing to worry about. Yes, he's older, but the economy isn't doing bad now. There are tons of jobs that will start you at $15 or $16 an hour that he could probably get started with next week. But our savings and unemployment which I guess we'll be getting in a week or two will give him time to look for something better. Where I have always had a noise curse on me, this man has definitely had a pay curse on him. He never seems to get paid fairly. Not even when he's making decent money for our personal expenses at the time. As he said, this could actually be a good thing that will lead him to a better job with better pay and better insurance. He was making shitty money and our insurance was shitty because it cost us hundreds a month and didn't cover shit. We were paying out-of-pocket for virtually everything. He should be making 55K or more in most of the country, but especially CA. Instead, he was making 40K.

Things don't usually go well for us or turn out for the better so it's hard to be optimistic and wonder if we could now be on the path to a slow descent into disaster like we were in 2004 and 2008. However, we're not in the situation we were in back then. In Arizona, there was no way to get more than a few grand for the house, so we had no money. Then there was the recession. Well, if worst comes to absolute worst, we could get about 40K for this place, put in for early retirement, and go to a cheaper state. If he’s destined to make shitty money from here on out, though I’m not saying that will be the case, it’s better to make shitty money in Florida than Cali. Our golden years would be a lot tougher, but it would likely be enough to get by on. Still hoping he’ll work till he’s 66.5 so we can get more retirement money. My countdown on Up to the Sky says he’s 1403 days away from that.

I personally can't see him ever making the near $19 an hour he was making ever again, but as I've learned, money isn't everything. It won't kill us to have to forget about going to Hawaii, give up Hulu, and do without the extras if need be. It's not like we've never had them before. We know the most important things are good health and being able to pay for the essentials.

I'm not the least bit worried about losing the house because of the noise curse on me. Believe me, nothing's going to be eager to kick me out of a flight path.

As much as I hate Cali for many reasons, it also has some good in it that other states don't have. Most states don't have Death with Dignity, for example, and will treat a dying animal better than a person. Also, Cali has its own insurance for those who are uninsured, and you pay by what you can afford. It's the law in Cali that everyone has to be insured. But the horrible catch to that is that employers that are struggling like at Teleplan can offer the worst insurance possible in order to save themselves money.

We've heard many say that Kaiser is the best medical group and that they have the best doctors. Well, he looked at a plan that is WAY cheaper than what we've got. The MRI he had that costed 2K would cost $350. The $180 we're going to have to pay to see my PCP would be $65. A visit to the ER would be $500. Urgent Care would be $65 like a regular doctor's appointment. It doesn't cover dental, though, or eyes.

He would only be able to get it if he couldn't get insurance through an employer. It looks so good, unless you have major expenses like if you're hospitalized or something, that he almost hopes for a temp job. Oh, yes, the temp job craze. I remember that well. A great way for employers to get out of having to offer insurance. I wouldn't be surprised if he started off as a temp. We're hoping he can get something on graves so that at least some of the daytime during the week when things are less crowded can be used for shopping and appointments since he's likely to get hired by an American company which doesn't give nearly as much time off as European companies do.

Anyway, he's going to file for unemployment today and rework his resume. His age and color aren’t good things, especially his age. He's also partially deaf and has to wear his Hearphones and I don't know if that could be used against him or not.

Like I said, though, no fears of losing the place. Just being trapped here by financial or medical issues. Anytime the economy is good, we can sell out once he's at the right age, so that leaves medical issues to worry about and hope that nothing new arises in that department to hold us back.

For now, I'm going to try to look at the positives in this. He'll be home more for a while. We don't have to restrict our shopping to the busy weekend. In fact, he suggested we go out to Goodwill today to do some treasure hunting.

“Are you sure we should be spending the money?” I asked him. He said sure, why not, since half the time we don't get anything and on a “big” day at Goodwill we spend maybe twelve bucks.

I'm even going to get my hair trimmed sometime soon because I'm not ready to go long again yet and that's not much more than 12 bucks.

Thank God we don't have gas, oil, tune-ups, and emissions to deal with! Because we'll have more time for a while, we might take a drive out to my old dentist and talk to them about transferring records and all that while we cancel my appointment. It's a little tricky with dentists, but a law was passed where medical records have to be transferred electronically.

I'll have to let my PCP know that I may not see her again, depending on what happens with us. I would have preferred to stay with her, funky Ecuadorian accent or not, but saved money, better insurance, and better doctors is more important. You know, the kind that doesn’t write off levothyroxine side effects as simply “being anxious.” An HMO would probably be better than a PPO like we had, but we don’t know yet what we’ll have.

Wow, Miss EMDR just squeezed out a couple of tears. I never miss my mom, but every once in a while, I miss dad. My parents were like night and day, and dad was definitely more like me. I can’t imagine a single person in the world getting along better with her than with him. It would be nice to be able to call and talk with him now.

So grateful for my bestie who is always there for me. Even though I'm the older one (and bigger), in some ways I see her as wiser, mature and stronger. In fact, when he first broke the news to me, one of my first thoughts was I want Aly! I want Aly! I want Aly! But even if I was oblivious to her horrible climate, it may be cheaper to live there, but they don't have mandated insurance in which they supplement a lot.

I mentioned his layoff on Facebook. That way the Twenties will know why he's around more all of a sudden, and if they know anyone personally or have any suggestions, they can tell me. I blocked it from Norma's view, though, because I didn't want her mentioning it to the drama queen so she can get a good laugh.

In other news, it's going to be 77 degrees today. So glad I’m not in peri anymore! The house got up to 76 degrees as I was going to bed, but I was fine with the fan on. I would’ve been on fire if I were back in peri.

Boobs are still sore but I'm down a couple of pounds. Not sure if I lost fat or water but my diet doesn't have to wait until Monday to start. We're going grocery shopping tomorrow, so I'll probably start the day after.

Below is a sample menu of the low carb/healthy fats/protein diet I'm doing. There's no way in hell I'll touch that salsa sauce, though! Also, salmon is boring to me so I'm going to substitute it for another fatty fish which will be mackerel. I also don't have a grill, so I’ll roast my chicken wings instead. Because I'm listed as a cardiac risk, I doubt my doctor would be too pleased with this idea, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her. :-)

Monday
Breakfast: Omelet with various vegetables, fried in butter or coconut oil.
Lunch: Grass-fed yogurt with blueberries and a handful of almonds.
Dinner: Bunless cheeseburger, served with vegetables and salsa sauce.

Tuesday
Breakfast: Bacon and eggs.
Lunch: Leftover burgers and veggies from the previous night.
Dinner: Salmon with butter and vegetables.

Wednesday
Breakfast: Eggs and vegetables, fried in butter or coconut oil.
Lunch: Shrimp salad with some olive oil.
Dinner: Grilled chicken with vegetables.

Thursday
Breakfast: Omelet with various vegetables, fried in butter or coconut oil.
Lunch: Smoothie with coconut milk, berries, almonds, and protein powder.
Dinner: Steak and veggies.

Friday
Breakfast: Bacon and eggs.
Lunch: Chicken salad with some olive oil.
Dinner: Pork chops with vegetables.

Saturday
Breakfast: Omelet with various veggies.
Lunch: Grass-fed yogurt with berries, coconut flakes and a handful of walnuts.
Dinner: Meatballs with vegetables.

Sunday
Breakfast: Bacon and eggs.
Lunch: Smoothie with coconut milk, a dash of heavy cream, chocolate-flavored protein powder and berries.
Dinner: Grilled chicken wings with veggies.

2/28/2020 Friday 2:00 PM

Another noisy but beautiful day. Got both doors open and enjoying a nice cross breeze and fresh air. Just wish I didn’t have loud vehicles on one side and circular saws on the other. What is it with this park’s obsession with circular saws? It's definitely coming from Dahl’s place, as suspected. I've heard more of these fucking things in the years I've been here than in my entire life and it really gets old. How much fucking wood could they possibly have to cut and for what? This is like the tenth time I've heard this shit from that place in just the few months he’s been there. Amazing how just one person can make so much noise, but I doubt it's him doing the sawing. He's still having multiple visitors and I wonder if any of them may be staying there.

Yesterday I was dismayed to find faint spotting and had light cramps as well. Today my boobies are less sore and I haven't spotted so I'm hoping that's it for once and for all and that my body will quit trying to kick off a period every so often.

He and I were talking about how we wish this country would finally wake the fuck up and go with universal health care, even though I highly doubt it will happen in our lifetime. In response to me saying how people are obsessed with being independent and selfish, Tom said, “People say that and want to believe that, but we're not as independent as people think.” After all, the money taken out of people's paychecks each week or month for insurance does go to pay for others and not just themselves. I get his point, but people in general still suck.

For $4 I found a lovely Pocahontas doll at Goodwill yesterday. She's about 18” tall, all-vinyl, and has a lovely face and nice long sleek black hair. I washed and conditioned her knee-length hair because it was a little dirty and frazzled. Not nearly in as bad a condition as the BFF dolls were, though. It definitely looks better now, and I'll also have to touch up a part of one eyebrow where the paint has chipped off. I didn't like her original outfit because it was boring and so was her painted armband. She's wearing one of the 14-inch dolls’ three-quarter-sleeve crop tops and matching skirt. Bold pink looks good on her with her skin tone, black hair and dark brown eyes. I guess Pocahontas was a real Indian woman that lived in the late 1500s. She only made it to age 21, though

I was thinking that I might take my acrylic paints to polish some of the vinyl dolls’ nails since regular polish chips off too easily.

Haven't heard from Dixie and I don't know if that's because something's wrong or she's ghosting me, and personally, I don't care if it's the latter. It may very well be too, because I'm not always available when she needs me. I have absolutely no problem with helping her out, but I can't be available every time she may need a helping hand. Not saying that's the case, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was.

I dyed my hair and I'll get it cut Monday when it's less crowded and less likely that damn church band next door to the salon will be playing. Yeah, I’m so cursed with noise that even my salon is noisy. I don't understand how the hell anybody could stand to work to that ferociously pounding bass. I first thought some kind of construction was going on over there.

Tom loaded an app on his phone so that we could find things we were looking for in Walmart that we don’t usually get. It tells you what aisle to go to, but sometimes it would still take time to find things on the proper aisle.

My low-carb diet starts today at 157.8 lb. As I said, I doubt it will do me any good, but this is my final attempt to lose a little weight. As I said, not going to play the let's try to be what I'm not meant to be game forever. Not so sure going low-carb is going to leave me any less hungry as they claim this type of diet does. Hopefully, I can get used to it.

For breakfast, I made my first cheese and veggie omelet and it came out great. Made it with real butter and olive oil instead of margarine. Lunch was plain yogurt in which I threw in some blueberries, nuts and seeds with a dollop of honey, and coconut flakes. Dinner will be a bunless cheeseburger with veggies.

Tom has begun working out on the Bowflex to get in better shape and says I should lose my muscle in less than a decade. He says he noticed he lost strength in his late 50s. Well, nothing lasts forever, that's for sure. The older we get, the more we lose pieces of ourselves.

He's hoping to start a new job in about a month. He doesn't want to have to start something soon and then take March 16th off for my doctor's appointment which wouldn’t look good, especially if he got first shift. For now, he's sprucing up his resume and doing his research as far as what's available. He’ll apply for Unemployment next week since you can't get it the first week anyway.

2/29/2020 Saturday 3:00 PM

I see a worktable with wood/saws set up in Dahl’s driveway. It's amazing how many people don't give a shit about those around them. Even in a retirement community. Given that this has gone on since they’ve been there, I think it's pretty safe to say it's going to be a regular thing I’ll have to put up with until one of us moves. He could be prepping to sell since he lost his wife, but it seems like it started before she died. I don’t know for sure since I don’t know exactly when she died. This is likely just the way he is, though I don’t know that it’s him making the racket. It’s whoever visits in the navy SUV. They definitely didn’t stay overnight, whoever they are. I could see the little workshop they had set up clearly when I looked out front early this morning as there was no vehicle in the way at the time. That’s the problem with people with money; they’re always having things done to their place.

I almost wish things would fall apart enough to give us a good enough reason to head to Florida, but I know it won't. I still believe there are at least some quieter places left out there but nothing is going to be eager and let us move to one. Where he has a pay curse on him, I have the noise curse.

Speaking of pay, this has been a real eye-opener for him and what he discovered makes him wish he quit 5 years ago to look for something else. He compared recent paychecks to ones from 7 years ago and found he really isn't taking home much more money. The more he makes, the more they take for insurance. Now that he knows this fantastic insurance plan exists, thanks to the federal government and the state, it would actually be more beneficial to us if he made less money. Why have to spend 12 hours out of the house to make more money for them to take out? And all for nothing when the insurance doesn't cover shit and we have to lose even more money to pay for our health care. So basically, he was slaving his ass away for nothing. Yes, we could pay for the essentials and even more, but we both agree we'd rather have just enough to pay for essentials, even if there wasn't much leftover, for him to be gone 8 hours instead of 12 and for us to get better insurance. We're going to have to buy a TSH and T4 test for $49 and my PCP is going to cost $180. With this plan, the yearly full panel of lab testing would be free, and the doctor’s visit would be $65. And instead of costing us hundreds a month, it would cost us $2.

He could practically kick himself for staying with Teleplan as long as he did. He was determined to stick with what was safe and what he knew rather than take a chance with something new and he regrets it, not that he had much time for interviews with the way they were running him ragged. If he'd only known then what he knows now.

If he got another permanent job, there are no guarantees the employer would offer a plan that's as good. Therefore, he's hoping to basically go temp-hopping till he retires. Or maybe get two part-time jobs. My first thought was that it should be easy enough, remembering the temp craze that I would think still exist since it's a clever and sneaky way for employers to legally get out of having to insure their employees. But then when do we ever get to choose what we want?

These titties have finally been relieved of their soreness, but the bad news is that I'm spotting more. Feeling crampy here and there but not enough to need to reach for the Ibuprofen. Still don't know if this is going to turn into a full period or not, but just in case, I grabbed some pads from Rite Aid. *sighs with frustration* Why am I still going through this shit?

The fish still spends most of the time on the floor of his tank but he has been eating.


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