Subtropical Lady

February 2020 (1)

2/1/2020 Saturday 7:05 PM

It was almost 70° today. Fortunately, I was able to get caught up on my sleep before the motorcycles hit the scene. They'll be a problem until November.

Patricia’s house is for sale, which kind of sucks. She's only been there for a few years. Carolyn said she'd been planning to sell for a while, had a couple of surgeries and wants to be closer to friends. Either way, it's another place going on the market that's close to ours that I worry may eventually include a motorcycle, some other lou d vehicle, lots of company, or dogs that do nothing but bark when they're out being walked. :-(

Also, the fact that there are still 2-3 vehicles at Dahl’s place every day makes me think he can’t live on his own. Tom got the feeling he could, though, even if he isn’t healthy.

I hate it when unpleasant memories from the past spring to mind when I least expect them to. You want to talk race, race-obsessed, America? Okay, well, how about being tricked into confessing to something I wasn't even charged with by a black cop who hated whites and was personal friends with the others involved, also black. How about being tricked, deceived and manipulated in ways that the person knew you couldn't prove? How about confessing to sending journal excerpts you never denied sending, unaware of other “evidence” that may have been fabricated by this pig or sent by someone else? How about continuing to be pissed at yourself for how you handled it 20 years after the fact in a place that automatically believes non-whites over whites? At least they sure did in Phoenix, Arizona from 1999-2004.

I know it's totally pointless to wish I'd done things differently when what's done is done and can never be undone, but if only the only thing I said was, “Charge me or let me go and I’ll talk to you when I have a lawyer.” Oh, I would have been charged out of spite, no doubt, but in the end, I could laugh at how they took the time to drive all the way out to my place for nothing and maybe, just maybe, it might have helped my case in the end. Not so sure about that last one, though. Evidence had already been fabricated against me and I was still white.

Lesson learned too late... Keep your mouth shut whether you're guilty or not and no matter what colors are involved.

But how did this pig end up being booted from the force? I mean it's great that he did, but somehow I doubt my vindication had anything to do with it. I think it was only a part of it. I think I was just one of many complaints the pig had against him. Corrupt officials don't usually pick on just one person. I remember how worried I was when I was vindicated, knowing how much it would piss off the welfare bums, but had I known at the time that he was kicked off the force too, that would have really turned my concern up a notch. It probably didn't happen right away, though, but after we left the state when he lost his job at the bank, something we were very right to do. After perhaps biding their time for a bit so as not to look obvious, who knows what the hell they may have done to our property or to us in time?

Bing reminded me why I hate February so much with its current wallpaper picture. And of course, every other article is on racism, most of which I could bet you just about anything is exaggerated if not completely made up. Man, I'm sick of this fucking bullshit. I've seen fads and obsessions last for years, but decades? It's been this way since the L.A. riots and I'm wondering when people are finally going to move on to something else to obsess over.

It's just after 7 p.m. so in a little while I should know whether or not the planes are going to be a nuisance tonight. When they're bad at night it's usually from just after 7 to just after midnight.

Tom's asleep now having crashed early and not long after getting home. We're going to go to Walgreens when he gets up.

Had a detailed dream about being on vacation during the long 10 hours I slept. It started off with the baby termites. Tom and I were outside somewhere. There seemed to be a lot of snow on the ground. Becky and Sarah were a short distance away talking to someone. At one point I started jogging in place to warm up, saying I didn't understand how people could sit still for so long. This seemed to annoy the termites. So the termites stomped off to wherever and then the snow was nearly to my chest. I “swam” through it just as I saw them heading back in our direction.

Then we were in a hotel room by ourselves. We were at the end of the hall and our door was open. Just outside the door was a small cabinet where we had some stuff. I told Tom I was going to get all the stuff that was outside the room and he said that was a smart idea.

I headed toward the end of the room with my shaver. The room had two beds. Tom was lying on the one closest to the room’s large windows watching TV.

“Wow,” I suddenly said after trimming some leg hair stubble that was way thicker than anyone really has, pointing to a mechanical fish floating outside our window. I told Tom, who didn't see it from his angle, that it looked cool even though its head fell off when it hit the window.

Then he said something about checking email and I said, “Oh, email. I probably have a ton of it.”

Then I went into a separate room within the room. Instead of it being just a bathroom, there was also another bed and a table in it. I told Tom I would clear the table so I could move it out of the doorway which was partially blocking it. The glasses on it were left by the previous guests.

I looked at the bed and thought, why should I sleep in the main room and have to deal with his snoring when I could sleep in there?

Then I glanced at the open door to the adjoining room and thought to close and lock it. But since I had the other door closed and was ready to pee, I figured I would use the light spilling in from it to see what I was doing before locking it.

2/3/2020 Monday 1:24 AM

Yesterday I was up 19 hours and only slept for 5. I ended up taking a 90-minute nap. Not sure it refreshed me, though. That's another thing I don't get; I hear so many people say that naps refresh them, but I actually feel groggy afterward. It was still nice. Even the planes have been quieter than expected.

I still can't find a pattern for them (commercials). Hearing the freeway doesn't always mean I hear the planes and not hearing it doesn't always mean I'm not going to hear the planes. The winds aren't N now but NW instead. They are going to be just N in the morning which is their other prime time so they may be a problem then. It won't matter if they are, though, because I'm going to be reading myself to sleep around that time.

Carolyn said it was getting too hard for Tricia (or Trisha?) to do things around her place so she's moving close to where she has friends to help her. Naturally, this gets me worried about our own future for the millionth time. Who helps us when things get tough for us to manage? And then there's knowing that unless I'm surprised with a stroke or heart attack or God forbid cancer killing me before he dies, I'll have to kill myself when he dies because I simply won't be able to go on alone. Even if the loneliness and depression wouldn't be as off the charts as it no doubt would be, this isn't the 80s anymore when life was simpler and all I had to manage was the rent and three simple bills... the phone, gas, and electricity. Even then I would fuck up my checkbook because my math is that bad. So there’s no way I could manage as complex as life is today with all its technology and gadgets. I don't know how to take care of setting up computers and internet-related things and I certainly couldn't take care of a house by myself. Then there’s the fact that I don't drive. So with no way to survive and things being way more than I could ever handle on my own, I would have no choice but to go, which brings a whole new set of worries right there... What if I fuck up killing myself? What if I simply don't have the guts to go through with it? What would I do then? Commit a crime so I could go to jail and at least get some care as half-assed and as shitty as it would be? No way!

I just have to tell myself yet again that the end isn't here yet and when it does come there's nothing I can do about it, so just try to enjoy life until then. So far, though, just because I can tell myself something doesn't mean I can always believe it or at least find comfort in it. He’ll die first and I’ll either take my life right afterward if his death takes us by surprise, or we'll know his death is imminent and we'll go together. End of story. Until then I just gotta do my best to not worry and enjoy life while we're healthy and able-bodied. This is the kind of personal shit I won't share publicly, of course. People are just too stupid to get most things. I've done my time hoping they would catch on, but the truth is they likely never will.

I don't know that we would be able to afford it but after he retires, I still think it would be nice to travel somewhere every other year or so just for variety. Yes, traveling is a pain in the ass but just like one may get tired of having a room decorated the same way after so long, one sometimes needs an entire change of pace and scenery altogether even if it's only for a few days.

I thought about it and asked myself could Florida really trigger my asthma as Simone did? I sure hope not, but when I think about it, I don't think so. I think my usual snot spray would keep the sneezing fits away and I don't think my asthma would be to the point that I’d need inhalers every day as long as I didn't spend too much time outdoors when it was really humid. Hopefully, we'll still get to test Florida out. I want to see what it does to my lungs, my ear, and how often the storms wake me up. We have the desert as a backup, but I can't see us having as much to do there. The only thing I think we could do more there than in Florida would be bike riding. If we ever have any land around us, which I don't see, I want to grow lettuce, tomatoes and an avocado tree.

I just want him retired and us having lots of fun, active, productive and happy times together before the end comes, whenever it comes, however it comes! I want to be at the beach and on the ocean and in the warm sunshine!

Right now, I have similar fears that my friend has. One of the many things that makes her such a wonderful person and great friend is that we have enough differences to learn from each other and keep things interesting but enough common ground to really relate and understand each other. Like the fear of brand-new health issues springing up as soon as we get over one. Sadly, though, I'm still not completely over the anxiety. If anything, this year hasn't been off to a good start and I still worry because of my age.

I'm back to worrying about my meds and labs all over again, even if it's not to the degree that I once did. Yesterday I felt too wound up to take full doses all the way till March 6th. Fuck the numbers. I’m not going to make myself feel miserable just to get good numbers in the lab any more than I would let myself be hungry to get good numbers on the scale. So I'm only going to take full doses a couple of times a week until the middle of the month. I think what I might have done wrong was the ramp-up. Even though it means having to deal with fatigue in order to be calm, I think I should have kept my dose down until 5 weeks before labs. I noticed that I'm able to go at least 5 straight weeks on full doses if I let my thyroid levels fall enough first. I'm just glad that if I have to have this shit it's Hashimoto’s and not simply low thyroid because from what Tom told me about a couple of his co-workers, you're more likely to acquire a goiter and gain weight if you don't have Hashimoto’s.

Tom still thinks he'll eventually be able to take full doses every day without issues as my hormones continue to settle into their postmenopausal stage, and I still hope to hell he's right, and that it's not just on the medication alone or me possibly acquiring some strange chemical imbalance. If that's the case, I could struggle with this for the rest of my life. Him retiring will definitely make a difference as we both believe. I would definitely be braver to try to stick it out until the 6th if he was home every day and see if it would go away on its own. If I remember correctly, when I went back to 75s after the Lio experiment proved to be a bust, I was anxious but then it fizzled out.

It would just suck to always have to choose between anxiety and fatigue. The only reason I'm tired now is that I was up so long and didn't sleep as long. They say nothing lasts forever. Hell, I can't even find raw peanuts in the Sacramento area anymore. So, all I can do is hope for the best, even though the things that don’t last are usually the things you wish would last.

Carolyn also said that she thinks Dahl will keep the place because she's pretty sure he's still working.

The betta’s filter started having problems, so we've decided that since he's in a 3-gallon tank which is 2 extra gallons than they recommend for one fish his size, we'll just let him be without a filter. I've heard they actually prefer still water anyway. I have test strips to test for the amount of ammonia in his water which I'll do regularly

Finally found and installed a program that weeds out duplicate photos. Now I just have to find a universal text reader.

10:29 PM

I wish I had the amazing patience and tolerance Aly has for those with mental/emotional issues, but I just don't. seriously, if she ever gets sick of working with kids, I hope she considers working somewhere in the medical field like doing home care or something because I know she would be great at it. Me? I just want to throttle the Kims and Loris of this world at times.

Anyway, my main complaint today is Facebook. I've told her numerous times I don't do Facebook anymore which is mostly true. I'm hardly active there anymore. Every now and then I’ll change my profile or cover pics and react to something someone posted so they know I'm still alive, but it's mostly Messenger that I use along with Skype, and I’ve told her this numerous times. I've never known anyone before in my life with such memory issues! She makes Andy and I seem like we never really had much in the way of memory issues after all. It is said to be common and those with certain mental illnesses. Anyway, despite insisting I'd rather keep in touch on Skype or Messenger and that I'm not very active on Facebook, what does she do? She goes and sends me a fucking friend request. So, I'm sure that despite all I've said, all this time she's been creating and deleting accounts and systematically blocking me from each one, as if I go looking for her and want to be connected to every goddamn account of hers. I don't care anymore if she's putting my account at risk, though. It's only Facebook.

But just because I can occasionally forgive doesn't mean I forget. Every lie I catch someone in, every time they betrayed my trust, every time they go ballistic on me, that's a mark that forever remains on my view of you as far as I'm concerned, and you will never again regain complete and total trust of me. That's why I'm going to ignore the friend request. We've been on good terms for a while now, but I never forgot the times she so viciously and relentlessly stalked and harassed the shit out of me and involved others as well. Knowing she could flip on me should I dare say the wrong thing and piss her off, I'm not going to connect with her on Facebook and give her a chance to post God only knows what on my wall or in response to comments or in messages to friends before I might get a chance to block her. Like I said, total trust can never be regained once you use and abuse it, even though I realize that people don't always react the same way the second time around. I know I wouldn't react the same as I have in the past if those who are presently in my life chose not to be, but I still can't see myself adding her. Why now, anyway? Why would she suddenly want to be added now? She unfriended and blocked me on one of her accounts a couple of years ago. Then I said hello to her on another account that showed up in the ‘people you may know’ section and she replied and then blocked me. So now she wants to reconnect? It makes me suspicious and think she has some kind of ulterior motive. But then those who are crazy or insane don't always function rationally and sensibly, so I don't know for sure. I just know I'm going to ignore the request. If she asks me about it, I’ll just tell her I never got a request.

Lori pesters me with tons of back-and-forth messages and sending me shit I have no interest and like some of the shitloads of videos of her singing and playing the guitar. She's not the greatest guitarist and her singing is way off-key. I realize that she too isn't all there. I guess she's autistic. I tried to avoid those with things like Asperger’s, autism, bipolar and multiple personality disorders because they usually end up being quite a problem in the end and I don't need any toxic drama in my life when I've already had more than enough. These people just get way too emotional, too repetitious, unreliable, contradictory, aren't usually very bright, and can turn on you in an instant, usually for things they've either imagined or misunderstood. Her cousin Cindy has the same thing and when I declined her offer the swap texts, she went ballistic on me.

I hate to sound overly picky and judgmental as I know that I'm far from perfect myself. It's just that I've gotten to be very selective with whom I associate. Just looking out for myself. :-)

Last night turned out to be pretty shitty. I was more anxious than I have been in a while and it eventually turned into depression as my mind took me to dark places. No, I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Just the usual worries about growing old, things that could go wrong, dying, death, wondering if there is an afterlife... That sort of thing. Many who believe in the afterlife seem to think we spend it with our families. But what if that's the last thing we want? What if we'd rather spend it with our spouse and our friends?

Then I saw a short rat animation and that made me more depressed even though the sad video which depicts rats trying to survive in New York was totally made up. I know it sounds silly. Hell, I'm not usually that impressionable. But yeah, it’s sad.

I felt like I just wanted to cry toward the end of my day which was early in the morning. I only managed to squeeze out a tear or two. It was more that my eyes stung and watered than that I actually cried. I'm just not much of a crier these days.

Why am I struggling with these emotions all over again? I'm 4 months postmenopausal, for fuck’s sake! Tom says he thinks I shouldn’t worry about the lab numbers and that I should just let them show who I am and not worry about upping my dose before labs and lowering my cholesterol intake. Yeah, I think he's right. I just don't want my doctor getting on my ass about it, but hey, this isn't me as a child or on probation or anything like that, right? No one can tell me what to do. Just because she may suggest statins doesn't mean I have to take them. Sometimes I have to remind myself that while we don't have much control over our bodies, we do at least have a little control over our lives.

I know I've mentioned this before and that it's gone on for a while now, but sometimes I still feel like there’s some kind of growth at the very base of my neck on my left side where it connects to the chest. That's a little low for my thyroid, so I wonder if it's some kind of growth stemming from my thyroid, a swollen lymph node, something else or nothing at all. Whatever it is can't be serious if I've had it for this long. I don't notice it when my body is in an upright position. Only when I'm lying down and only if my head is turned toward my left side. When I place my hands at the sides of the base of my neck when my body is upright, I don't feel anything unusual. But I sort of think I can if I lie on my back and put my head back. I'm just not sure. Maybe it's just my imagination, but if it isn't, it's got to be benign.

Tom said he wants me to be aware of the fact that he could very well be laid off because the company isn't doing well, and they've been laying off people like crazy. I haven't had any dreams suggesting any real trouble or change is ahead, but if he gets laid off, it could be a good thing or it could be a bad thing. At his age and in a country where most businesses favor minorities unless you're in the Midwest perhaps, I don't see how his being laid off could lead to anything better. I think it could lead to financial struggles and throw a definite kink in our plans. We may not be trapped here forever but we could probably kiss Hawaii goodbye. There are worse things than being broke, though, as the last half a decade has taught me. I always felt the money wouldn't last forever. I'm just surprised it's lasted this long. Worst case scenario he retires early, and this state also is pretty good with supplementing income. They have a lot of different programs, unlike most states. I don't see him getting a job that pays the same or us getting out of here before he's 66-67, but then I don't see him getting laid off either. Really hope he doesn't since it's more likely that bad would come of it rather than good. I said that now that I'd beaten the anxiety that something new would go down, but obviously I haven't beaten it like I thought I did.

Still no pattern with the planes. The first one rocketed overhead at 5:40 yesterday morning as I was about to start unwinding and the winds were heading north. Well, they've been northerly all night but all I've heard are small planes, helicopters, and the freeway.

2/5/2020 Wednesday 1:50 AM

Oh great. Now I can't email my husband because it thinks I'm spamming him. I like to share my thoughts with him throughout my day when he's asleep or at work. Pictures too. Guess I’ll have to send him stuff to Gmail instead of Outlook.

So Germany won't remove their anti-Semitic sculpture. That doesn't surprise me. If it was anti-black, they would remove it in a heartbeat.

I kind of like how speech-to-text is inserting punctuation for me. The only time I don't appreciate it is when I stop to think of what I want to say next. Usually, I'll speak a sentence straight through but not always. I don’t like how it’s capping more words than it should.

Kim left me 44 messages while I slept and OMG! She leaves voice clips much like she tweets. She breaks them up into tons of them with just a single word or two. Only a few of them went for 10 seconds. I can understand most of what she says but every now and then there's something I don't catch. I don't mean this to be mean or anything like that since we can't help the way we sound but her voice is weird as hell. Not funny, but weird. Voices never sound “funny” to me. Not even when people stutter. To me, a stutter is no different than if someone sneezes or coughs. It's just a sound.

Kim sounds almost robotic and like she's on the verge of crying and I realize it's likely linked to her disability and whatever is wrong with her that got her qualified for Special Olympics. Some form of retardation, I guess. I don't know what the so-called politically correct word for that is today and I really don't care. Especially since it's only going to become a no-no in a decade or so and then there will be some new and proper word until that too, suddenly becomes offensive. So I may as well stick with what I know and was originally taught.

My best buddy may be a little hard to understand at times because she has a bit of a nasally sound and her voice is a little higher pitched than I'm used to, but I have the same problem. Not the higher pitch, but the nasally sound. It comes out when I talk. It comes out when I sing. I've had this all my life and I've never been able to get rid of it, not that it's necessarily a bad thing any more than the pitch of one's voice is. I think it's easier to change accents than it is for things that are simply a part of our nature that we’re born with. Either way, at least she and I sound human. LOL, Kim sounds anything but normal but I realize it's beyond her control.

I like exchanging voice clips with her because it's easier. I don't do it very often with Aly and other Facebook friends because most of them prefer to read rather than listen.

I was a little anxious yesterday, but not like the day before. The key is not to skip full doses like Tom pointed out. I'm just cutting the dose until a few weeks before labs. But if I have any trouble then and I have to come back down again before labs, fine. It just sucks that there's a good chance I'm always going to have to choose between fatigue and anxiety, but I still have pretty good energy.

I did a little reading and found that I'm not actually postmenopausal. There are three stages. Perimenopause, menopause, and postmenopausal. Well, I'm not officially postmenopausal until it's been 24 to 36 months after my last period. I'd like to think he's right about the anxiety going away someday and that my hormones are still changing and settling in, but I still think it's most likely on the meds. That's when all this shit began to happen. And as I read, frequent or severe anxiety or thoughts of suicide and panic attacks aren’t a normal part of the process.

If it isn't on the meds, maybe I really did acquire some kind of anxiety disorder, even if that seems unlikely. Bodies change over time and the mind can too. But my gut has always been on the meds.

Tom still thinks they're on the verge of going out of business. He hopes they lay him off rather than simply go out of business because then he'd get a severance package. I really hope they do neither. I still don't see any good coming out of it. I want to get out of here like yesterday, but it really is smart and safer if he just stays there until he retires.

The weather has been horribly cold. We've had a few mornings where we hit freezing.

I feel bad for Aly because Friday she has to have an emergency hysterectomy and will have to put her bone marrow operation on hold because she can only have two major procedures a year covered. At least hysterectomies aren't the big deal they used to be. It's minimally invasive laparoscopic surgery where they insert a camera into the belly button and take the uterus out from there. It may be minimally invasive but it sure is a gross thought!

2/6/2020 Thursday 6:35 AM

It's great that I didn't have to deal with anxiety last night or the night before, but I am so not listening to planes today! They've been back to being totally annoying at night and in the morning. Got an earbud in hissing brown noise since the first one flew by at 5:33, not even six hours after the last one.

I changed the chat theme colors in Messenger just for fun and Facebook just had to let everyone know it too, even though they can't see the colors I choose. Can we do any fucking thing online without the whole world having to know about it?

I'm making one of those brit style jacket potatoes now. Noticed my appetite has been down for a few days now. I can still eat. I'm just not as hungry. I read that for reasons no one knows, it's common for many older people to lose their appetites. Well, maybe because we don't have PMS or perimenopause hunger to deal with anymore, although I would have thought “older” meant those in their 70s and up. I may not be as hungry but I’m not expecting my energy to last much longer since I've had to lower my medication.

My weight is down a few pounds and if this trend keeps going I shouldn't have to worry nearly as much about gaining weight. All I had yesterday was a potato, fish and salad, a plate of broccoli, a banana, a kiddy smoothie, and not much else other than blueberries and pistachio nuts mixed in throughout the day. Today I've had the same except in place of fish I had a beef patty.

Tom will be stopping at the store on his way home since he has to pick up his blood pressure medication, and will grab me some chicken and hopefully some unsalted peanuts if they don't have raw. Due to the mercury in fish, I try not to have it every day. Besides, I like variety.

Then at Rite Aid, which is practically outside the entrance to our place, he’ll pick up treats for himself as well as some wine and lentil chips for me, which are surprisingly good. I've cut way back on my sugar.

Oh, great. Tom just got a text saying the water will be off tomorrow from 9 to 6. Yeah, I knew it was just about time for the next game of shut-offs. Filling the tub now for extra water.

Muscular dystrophy. I'm listening to some of Kim's many voice messages now and it just hit me that she almost certainly has MD. She reminds me of that girl Fran was friends with that people thought was drunk when we’d make prank calls via 3-way calling. She had MD. The way Kim has trouble controlling her voice and forming words totally smacks of MD.

When looking at my On This Day sidebar on PB, I saw an entry about a fake account likely created by Kim several years ago that Kathy alerted me to. This was on Facebook. She was calling herself Maya Ortiz and was supposedly knocked up with triplets and had Tourette’s syndrome. I suppose that might be another possibility as far as what Kim has but I'm thinking MD. I wonder if she would remember that account, if she really created it, and be shocked if I told her I got a friend request from someone with that name and description and all that, hee-hee.

Not like I am with Stacey, though. The one in Arizona. I'm starting to post chapters of the story she “stars” in little by little on my blog. Her daughter Abby allows anyone to comment on her posts, so I gave her a heads-up. I don't know how active she is on Facebook or how long it will be before she sees it.

Looks like Stacey's kids turned out to do pretty well for themselves, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were total bigots when it came to gays. Abby seems to be somewhat religious. Maybe not like Palma, but enough to tell me she's probably pretty conservative and that usually means narrow-minded as well. If there is a God, I still don't get why people would think that God would want them to hate those who are different.

I would have thought Stacey would be similar to my mother...very negative, domineering and even abusive. But maybe not. Not so sure her kids would turn out the way they seem to have turned out if she was. The whole family seems to be pretty active, sociable and well-off. The kids don't just seem successful career-wise and relationship-wise, but they seem to be pretty talented as well. When I peeked in on them several years ago, I found that Abby was into dance. There was a shot of her leaping for joy as she graduated from Business School. I can tell just by the way she's posed in midair that she can dance.

There was a clip of Hanna, the oldest, singing on Spotify and she's surprisingly good. Not great and a little flat on some notes but overall pretty good.

Anyway, I'm sure Abby will delete my post and block me as well. I don't expect any of them to read the story, but we’ll see. Maybe they'll be curious.

2/7/2020 Friday 2:36 AM

Aly, who should be in the middle of surgery right now, doesn’t think Kim has MD, otherwise she wouldn’t be able to do her Taekwondo. She’s got a point there, but Kim definitely has some kind of disability affecting her speech that it’s a wonder she can sing in the choir she sings in. As mean as we were, oh what fun Andy and I would have had with that voice 30 years ago!

Aly says that now she's being bombarded with planes too, and doesn't know if it's connected to the coronavirus thing where incoming patients are being brought to a place called Camp Ashland and quarantined for two weeks. She also says drones have been a nuisance at night. I think that until everything is electric, planes, helicopters and drones are going to become more and more of a problem.

Something just hit me about Abby and that's her dark eyes. I can clearly see a resemblance to Stacey, though her hair and eyes are darker. I can't swear to it, but I thought her husband James had light eyes just like she does. Well, I'm pretty sure it's genetically impossible for light-eyed parents to produce a brown-eyed child. Or maybe not from what I just looked up.

I had a dream I lost a lot of weight and was rocking out but it's just a dream. My weight will reset itself on its own within a few days because it's where it feels it needs to be. In fact, it's already starting to even though I’m not eating any more than I have been. Started off today a little hungrier than I have been in the last several days but then it went away. In the end, my calories are similar to what they have been. If I were unfortunate enough to be in a modern-day concentration camp like Auschwitz, assuming typhoid fever didn't kill me and I wasn't thrown in an oven or killed by some other means before the camp was liberated, I can just imagine the sheer shock people would feel when they saw that I was still the exact same size I went in at. They would certainly be wondering how the hell that happened.

Yeah, how the hell does that happen? I still don't get it but if my body feels comfortable keeping its weight, I say let it have it. I don't want to try to make it something it's not, not that I've been trying to. I simply haven't been as hungry and therefore not eating as much. Tom is the opposite. He never gets hungry. He just likes to eat.

Since he got home with the chicken before I got up, he put it in the oven on warm. Apparently, it doesn't stay warm indefinitely because I woke up to beeping sounds. At first I thought it was the microwave until I went into the kitchen and found it was the oven.

I did both laundry and dishes as soon as he got out of the shower in case 9 hours without water turns into 5 days like last time.

I don't know the particulars and I haven't heard of all the people involved, but supposedly, a woman named Kesha is being sued for daring to confide in other celebrities about some doctor who’s a rapist. Because of it, she's being sued for “defamation.”

I feel for her not just because of what she's going through but because it reminds me of my own case. I was harassed for years without provocation, first not intentionally and then very intentionally and deliberately. I spoke out about it, the people involved and the system couldn't handle it and had to add their own damning “evidence,” and then I became what they accused me of being...the hater they made me through their behavior and not their color.

Just did a huge Amazon order with our tax return and got necessities and fun stuff. They include:

• A body shaper
• 15 mini bottles of nail polish
• 6 pairs of lacy boy shorts, mostly in dark colors
• Hair dye
• White Shoulders perfume
• Jovan Musk perfume
• Actuator
• Robot vac/mop
• A laundry bag for small pet stuff to help keep hairs from clogging washing machines

I don't think the pigs’ liner will fit in it, but their beds will.

2/9/2020 Sunday 11:38 AM

It occurred to me after my last entry that Fran’s old friend didn't have MD, she had CP. Andy and I used to refer to her as the CP lady. I wonder if Kim might have that.

I am so sick of so many stores discontinuing so many things! Just when I get to like something, they stop selling it. Raw peanuts are getting harder to find and even unsalted peanuts in the shell are hard to find. Everything is salted that's in a shell. For now, I can still get unsalted pistachio nuts, but we'll see how long that lasts.

Had a bunch of Chinese food delivered yesterday and it is SO damn good! I found them on GrubHub. It's the New Shanghai Restaurant. I ordered egg fried rice and the best egg drop soup I've ever had. Plus, I got crab cheese wontons and BBQ pork. Lastly, beef and scallops with a mix of veggies that are fantastic. We got free delivery and a $12 discount for being newbies.

I ate so damn much yesterday that I expected to be up a couple of pounds, but I wasn't. It's been gentle on my stomach too. Chinese never gives me heartburn, gas or anything. It's not greasy or fatty.

I got some tempura batter and I'm going to make my first battered mushrooms, but not until next week. Figured the mushrooms would be going bad by the time I finished all the Chinese.

We went to Sam's and Walmart and then treasure hunting at Goodwill but didn't find anything there. Stopped at Rite Aid as well. It was cold and windy this morning, but we’re getting back into the 60s in the afternoons.

Good and bad news from Aly. She's been in pain and tired but is just starting to perk up. Because she's having blood issues, she might have to get her bone marrow operation done now and just go on a payment plan. This may mean she might not make it out this year but we both agree that she's had enough of being cold, dizzy and getting bruises from this blood disease and needs to get it taken care of properly once and for all so she no longer has to have transfusions and immunosuppressive drugs.

2/10/2020 Monday 12:53 PM

I was reading someone's journal on Prosebox complaining about their trip to an aquarium. They said kids of all ages were totally obnoxious and that she normally has pity for parents having to deal with toddlers having meltdowns which she understands is normal. But this was different. This was yelling, screaming, banging on the glass of the exhibits and having no regard for anyone around them. They were getting in people’s way, running into people, and multiple times one kid or another plowed into her or stepped on her feet, she said. What bothered her more, which is totally understandable, was that the parents and chaperones of groups ignored it and let them carry on like little monsters.

This is so, so typical too. And frightening. These little brats are going to be running the world tomorrow. If parents don't teach them manners, respect and consideration young, what kinds of people are we going to have running things in another decade or two? It's ridiculous the way kids are allowed to carry on with no regard for those around them. Every fucking time I go to a store when the brats are out, they're screaming, and throwing fits, and no one gives a shit.

Alexa gives random names if you ask her to. So Annie, as we've named our new robot vac/mop since we like to name our devices to keep track of them, is absolutely fabulous! It really blows my mind to walk into the bathroom after a while and find it perfectly mopped. Not just vacuumed but mopped as well. The app is cool because with this one I can see the battery life and things like that.

Used the laundry bag for the pigs’ beds and that should cut down some of the hairs in the washer. I take them out of the bag before tossing them in the dryer since the dryer has a filter to catch any fur.

The planes have been absolutely horrible. This isn't just in the morning and at night either, but from 5:30 in the morning until after midnight. It's utterly fucking ridiculous. I hope people are complaining up a storm, not that it will do anyone any good.

I love that we're getting up to 72 degrees today, but dreading the onslaught of motorcycles and loud projects that the approaching spring will bring.

My new panties fit great, but I hate the shapewear. It fits and isn't uncomfortable, but I don't think it makes me look any different, so I'm going to be returning it.

Got a visitor from West Palm Beach yesterday with a Mac computer. Naturally, my first thought is the drama queen since I know it can sometimes think you're in a different town and occasionally even a different state. But if it was her, I would think she would hit more than one page. Unfortunately, I couldn't see the one page she did view because it doesn't always tell me that for some reason.

Aly is to have her bone marrow surgery tomorrow morning and is worried about how much it's going to cost her. She may not only be unable to come out here this year but to afford her own apartment anytime soon.

2/11/2020 Tuesday 11:02 AM

Aly's transplant was this morning. She'll be paying $325 a month for 18 months which means no apartment for her or visit to us. :( At least she'll feel better.

The planes continue to really suck, and based on the 10-cast, I don't see any relief in sight from their shit anytime soon because the winds are going to be remaining Northerly. The fucking things are terrible. Just one after another, and I have to have the sound machine pretty loud in order to drown them out. It sucks that my ears can rarely get any kind of a break around here. It's either outside noise or my own in order to drown the fuckers out.

I was telling Aly how we name our devices. Right now our living room isn't “smart.” We actually spend the least time in that room. The kitchen is “Kitchen.” “Coloring” is the area between the kitchen and living room because that's where I usually color.

In the master bedroom, “Monitor” is actually my rainbow lamp and “Rainbow” is the lamp that sits on the dresser. The room itself was supposed to be called Rainbow and I used to have a smart plug called Monitor to turn on my old monitor. Not wanting to get confused by changing the names, I left them as they are. Even “Air Cleaner” kept that name even though I eventually plugged the air cleaner in elsewhere and now use that particular smart plug to control my fan or portable heater when I want to warm up the bedroom without warming up the whole house.

The bathrooms, laundry room, hallway, and back door light aren’t smart right now. The front light is just “Front,” and then there's “Dining” over the dining area.

The small bedroom was supposed to be “Tom,” but Alexa had trouble with that one at times, so she chose the random name of Mavis. It's an ugly name but it's what it is. Roomba was Rosie and now RoboRock is Annie.

Annie can always be Annie no matter where we are, but when we move I'm sure I will reassign new names to the smart plugs based on the setup of the new place.

Annie vacuums differently than Rosie did. Rosie went along the walls and then she vacuumed in a crisscross pattern. This one does lines back and forth much in the way one would mow their lawn.

Today I'm slightly tired because I didn't sleep as well last night. Kept waking up a lot. I remember bits and pieces of a few dreams. One of them was sad because a rat I really loved was killed by someone, but I don't know how it was killed, by who or why.

Then I went to attack some guy that me and several others were pissed at. Don't know why or who he was but it's like I became incredibly weak as I threw each punch that may as well have been delivered by the fists of a one-year-old. Instead of bleeding and bruising, the guy acted like he didn't feel a thing and went about his business as usual.

In the next dream, I was chatting with a young guy that was holding a baby. Lastly, I was with a small group of people telling a small child that only those I was close to knew of a particular secret of mine, whatever that was.

2/12/2020 Wednesday 11:15 AM

I decided to say hello to Nottelmann and see what I could find out about Johnson. I didn't expect a reply, but I was surprised by one saying that she not only remembers me but that sadly, Johnson wasn't one of the ones she kept in touch with over the years. She has kept in touch with others, though, like Palma.

Nottelmann is German and thanks to my shitty memory I looked up the wrong names first. I was surprised to see posts and comments in German. I just didn't think she knew German. Able to read it, I realized she was getting a little too old to be knocked up, LOL. Then I jumped to her wall through Palma where I was reminded that her first name is actually S.

Anyway, Nottelmann, as I've always known her by (I don't think I could get used to the S/J thing), said she hoped I was doing well. I thanked her for getting back to me, let her know I was doing well and living in Cali and said I hope she’s well, too.

We all have our pet peeves, but silly peeve or not, it bugs me that I have no online privacy. All the while I was telling Kim I deactivated on Facebook, she was reading my public comments for God knows how long and for God knows what reason. Am I just that interesting or something? Maybe I should take it as a sign. One saying to just say fuck it and be more open without worrying so much about who sees what. I'll be doing that on Blogger. I keep forgetting to copy my PB posts the Facebook, but since Blogger has a built-in share, I'll use that one and hopefully remember to share from there. It will be the same stuff going on PB and MD. I don't want anything public on PB but the book with entries pertaining to the termites so that's the first thing they see when they come looking for me.

I don't usually allow comments on PB for 3 reasons. One is that there are a lot of spammers on the site lately. Two is that I don't want to hear from anyone that's permanently in my past. Three is that I'm not there to argue with anyone who doesn't like something I may say. That was part of why I was a little dismayed to learn a flagging option is going to be added. I can see flagging spam, but when it comes to things like hate speech, for example, that's a subjective thing. We're living in a time where practically everything is seen as racist or hateful. It also goes against the supposed right to free speech and freedom of expression. I think if we get comments (when we allow them) that we don't like, we should simply ignore or block the person. Also, if you start reading something of someone's and you find it hateful or offensive, don't read it. It should be that simple. No one's forced to read anything. I've come across all kinds of things I don't like to read, and you know what I do? Yeah, I simply move on. I may bitch about some of it in my journal, but I don't go trying to control and change others to conform to what I believe they should be saying and writing. So that's part of the third reason I don't allow comments much lately. If I write that I believe a woman should have full reproductive rights, I'm not going to get into a heated debate with someone that believes otherwise. You're not going to change my mind simply by telling me you disagree with me just like I'm not going to change your mind. Your views, opinions, and beliefs are on you just like mine are on me.

Had to laugh when Josh said that perhaps a better term was “reporting.” LOL, yeah, and I’m not fat. I’m just curvy, heavy and overweight.

I'm sure it's considered offensive to some people if I say that Jussie Smollett is another wonderful example of the fact that yes, reverse discrimination and false claims of racism/bigotry really do exist. Yes, it can happen, and yes, it does happen. It's happened to me and it can happen to you. I'm glad the media has spotlighted the Smollett case, but I really wish they would also give attention to cases that don’t involve famous people.

The wind shifted last night and I got a break from the planes for a few hours. They were back to being annoying this morning but not as loud as they have been. Went out walking for about a half-hour. I really wish I got the headphones I use when I'm out there when we first moved in here.

Might have to get a new Kindle or just go back to using my old one because I'm having too many syncing issues between the app and Alexa. My old one works. It's just slow.

When I got back, I slaved over the animals for about an hour, changing both the rats’ cage and the pigpen. Then I swept and mopped under the pen. Some days, like today, I don't mind the work. On other days I wish I hadn't gotten such high-maintenance animals.

Been having fun fucking with spammers when I voice message Kim. Her messages will play right through one after another if I play them on the phone. If I reply by phone, I have to hold the button down while I speak but that way, I can watch speech-to-text replying to them on my computer, LOL.

I've now got just over 19K pins on Pinterest.

The only bad news is that Aly’s rejecting the transplant. They moved her to ICU and put her on steroids. I'm waiting to hear back from her on what happens next. I’m guessing she may need an outside donor, but I don’t know for sure.

2/13/2020 Thursday 1:30 PM

Enjoyed a half-hour walk this morning. Spring has definitely arrived. The flowering trees are starting to bloom, and it was warm in the sun. I was even a little sweaty by the time I got back to the house.

Today I said goodbye to mail.com, something I've been wanting to do for a while. Hated that email service! Worst one ever. Login issues galore, being pestered about logging out if I happened to close the window without logging out, and just an overall shitty service. I changed the email on the few important accounts that were using the address I had connected to that account and then I deleted the account. I have six email addresses and I only use half of them. If I were starting over, I would only ever need three. One for personal use, one for joining sites like the health portal, Amazon and social media, and then one for sweepstakes.

Definitely need to get our betta a filter. Noticed the water was pretty filthy yesterday. It looks like there's tons of dust in the tank. Didn't realize the filter was also sucking up debris as well as filtering pee.

Even though I've been feeling great and surprisingly energetic, I’m going back to full doses of medication starting tomorrow and hopefully, I'll make it to lab day.

2/15/2020 Saturday 4:36 PM

I spent all of yesterday tired because I didn't sleep well, though I managed to get done what I wanted to do. He planned to pick me up to go out to eat when he got out of work yesterday. Instead of having him come all the way to the house, I walked down Astro and met him just past Tandy. This made it easier for him because then he could just loop back around to the front gate without doing U-turns or anything.

We ended up going to KFC for our V-Day meal since we didn’t want to deal with crowds by dining anywhere. Got chicken and fries, now that I know they sell them and not just potato wedges. They were cold and not the least bit crispy but good taste-wise.

I'm retaining water which is reflecting nicely on the scale along with how sore my boobs are. Please tell me I'm not going to get a period! I should be done with this shit by now! I know it's possible for some women to get periods into their late 50s, but with my last one being 16 months ago, shouldn't I not be feeling PMSy ever again? I just would have thought I'd be over that shit by now. Read that the harder your PMS is, the rougher the perimenopause phase will likely be for you. No wonder I suffered so damn much.

We went to Kohl's earlier to make an Amazon return and it was almost warm out. I wished I hadn't gone out in long sleeves. Of course, the warmer weather is bringing out the car stereos. We have to sit and listen to that shit at just about every single light.

Bees and other bugs are back in full swing as well, but I still like the nicer weather. I'm smelling skunks more and more and I really wish the city, Animal Control or whoever would start trapping some of these smelly bastards. There are way too many of them. I wasn't kidding when I said everything is so excessive in this state from loud vehicles to constant landscaping to airplanes and even to skunks. Never experienced anything like it before but I'm guessing it's due to being in a temperate climate that doesn't get overly cold or hot.

We shopped a little bit at Kohl's, and true to California style, they blasted music as well. They were having a big sale and then we got a discount for returning what we returned and that way I was able to get $70 worth of stuff for half the cost. I got a new pair of slippers in light blue which I’ve been wanting since my leopard slippers were starting to tear up. I still have my furry boot slippers, but I also like a pair that I can jump in and out of quickly.

I also got a turquoise long-sleeve dress that's very simple and comfortable yet stylish. Believe it or not, it's a size S and fits perfectly. It has a crisscross design at the chest with gold accents. Before I tried it on I had to ask the woman to repeat herself twice after asking where the fitting room was since I couldn't understand whatever foreign accent she was speaking in.

Then it was off to Carl's for fake burgers where the Mexican girl that fulfilled our order had to go and fuck up part of the order.

Hey, if you're going to come to this country and burden our schools, hospitals and housing and take our jobs, why don't you at least learn our fucking language?

The filter we got for the fish sucks in that the water current is too fierce with no way to adjust it. I wanted to return it but then he printed out a plastic diffuser for it and it seems to be working well so far. Love how this one has a washable filter.

A couple of other things I love is that Diane will no longer be picked up on that insanely loud Pride bus. Dixie said it had something to do with her falling. Guess they don't like their people falling on them. She's on a waiting list for other programs that don't mind if you fall, as funny as I know that sounds.

Dahl is still having quite a bit of company. Every day there are two or three cars over there and I wonder if he's as capable of being as independent as we thought. By now I would have expected the company to start dwindling a bit. At least they’re quiet.

I also love how my-diary now has the option of making some entries private within the same account. Decided to discontinue using my private account since there are over 8K entries in it and do a mix of public and private stuff on my other account.

I don't understand why everyone's so freaked out over the coronavirus thing going on. Think of the odds. First of all, it's not as deadly as Ebola. Secondly, there are over 7 billion people in the world. Even if it ends up taking out a million people, which I highly doubt, that hardly puts a dent in the population and therefore I wouldn't think I was at much risk of being one of the ones to get it.

A possible layoff is still looming over our heads, but he doesn't know for sure what's going on at work. All he knows is that they were talking about moving everything into one building which would mean laying off a lot of people. I've lived many places, and experience has taught me that the more I dislike a place, the harder it is to get out of. Therefore, I don't think we have a chance of losing what's been the noisiest place I’ve ever lived in. I think the worst-case scenario may be that they lay him off, he gets a minimum-wage job, and we're broke till he retires and we move to a cheaper state.

I had a dream I looked in the mirror and saw a square black patch of skin at my temple. At first, I thought I got something on me but then I realized it may be melanoma.

That's the second melanoma dream I’ve had. In the first one, I had black stripes on my nails. I have a couple of spots on my scalp that are raised and sometimes itch, but I can't tell if it's anything worrisome or not through my hair.

I also had another dream that made me wonder if we were in my home state. We had our own house and it was big. There were at least two floors. I said to Tom, “I can't believe we own this house. I've wanted it since I was 8 years old and now we may lose it.”

Yet while I seemed worried, he seemed pretty confident.

Then I had some dream that I was starting my morning routine off with some kind of special drink that seemed to be causing me to lose weight. I wasn't starting my day off with coffee like usual and a part of me was thinking I may not bother with coffee for a while since I was awake enough by the time I was ready for it.

In the last dream, I was in some house with several kids of different ages who were known as “screen kids” because they always had their eyes on the screens of tablets, laptops or phones.

I've always loved Law & Order SVU, but now I'm getting sick of it. It's all about race and politics.

Having two procedures in a row, Aly hasn't been able to eat as much due to experiencing some nausea. She says one of the nurses accused her of faking it and would change her menu around. Because she's got to pay out of pocket for so much of this shit, she wasn't going to put up with her, so she complained and she hasn't seen her since. Why can't I get results like that when I complain instead of getting either nowhere or retaliated against? The car still rarely comes around, but I don't think it's because of anything the park did due to people's complaints. I also still don't think it's forever either.

Her body is now starting to respond well to the transplant and she'll be moved out of ICU today and probably discharged Monday. Hopefully, this will finally be the end of her health problems.

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