Subtropical Lady

January 2020 (3)

1/23/2020 Thursday 7:55 AM

Down 1.2 pounds after the first day of having under 1000 cals. Wasn’t as hungry as I expected to be either. I just had fruits, veggies and nuts, along with a few thin slices of turkey, a piece of tilapia, and a kiddy smoothie. I try to make sure I have a few bites of veggies or fruit every hour or two, so my body doesn’t think it’s starving.

I emptied out a plastic storage container that was big enough to hold both pigs. It would actually hold three. I coaxed them into that while I changed their liners today and that made it so much easier. It took longer but it was easier because then I didn’t feel rushed and I could take the time to clean things properly. Of course, they didn’t pee in the container which would have been much easier to clean as opposed to the floor.

Since separating them, I’ve been in the habit of pushing the divider in place as soon as they each pick a side. Today’s the first time Blitz ended up closer to the refrigerator. I don’t know that they have a preference either way. As long as they’re fed, that’s all they care about.

Took care of the rats as well which I do every 10 days. I did their lower level yesterday, so all I had to do today was the top. I also changed their hammock which has been these thick blue cloths that people typically use for things like cleaning their cars. They’re about one square foot and the perfect size for them. If I had more than two rats, I would need a bigger one or to set up an additional one, not that they don’t have any other hangouts. This one is the most comfortable, though, being soft.

As soon as I heard how loud the freeway was this morning, I knew the planes would be bad, and sure enough, they’re so loud I can hear the rumble of them over the sound machine. I switched to the earbuds. Ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous as always. I can’t wait till the summer when things are warmer and quieter even if that means more motorcycles.

When I can get brave enough to go out in the 46-degree morning for my walk, I’m going to have earbuds plugged into my phone so I can hear the music better over things like planes, landscaping, traffic and any mutts that might want to go off on me.

Just looked on Amazon and found what looks like the perfect lightweight, small headphones for ten bucks. Because one of my ear canals is deformed, I can’t wear an earbud on that side, so these would be great. Flying coach could mean negligent parents that let their brats scream up a storm, so they would be good for things like that as well.

Said hello to Bob yesterday and Dixie just sent me the dumbest joke… “Our town is so small we don’t have a town drunk, so we all take turns.” eye-roll

Really getting sick of getting notification alerts for this number that I’ve blocked and that tries to call at the same time every day. Having it show up on the pull-down is annoying enough but to have to hear the notification sound is even more annoying. However, I don’t see any way to disable it. Again, what’s the point of blocking someone if you’re going to have to know about it every time they try to make contact? And do these assholes not know they’re blocked, or is it an automated caller?

We’re going to have to fix the toilet in the master bathroom this weekend because the float keeps sticking. I had to remove the cover and I have to press down on it when I flush it to get it to flush all the way.

Started watching Guidance. Some of these high school drama shows are actually kind of funny. There doesn’t seem to be many episodes in the first season. I miss the days when a season would contain at least 20 episodes. It seems 6-10 is most common now which kind of sucks.

When playing around with the countdowns, I learned that I have 9446 days until my 80th birthday. I still don’t expect to make it to 80, more like to around 77 in which case I have about 8000 more days to live and over 1000 of that will be spent here.

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t resist sharing the Stacey story with her kids which I know will get back to her, haha. She has two daughters and a son. The son doesn’t appear to use Facebook much unless he’s very private. One of the daughters allows comments from everybody, so I’ll be sure to give Abby a heads-up once it’s ready and posted on Prosebox. LOL

Saw Stacey on YouTube in an interview about a housing management award she won last year, and bitch or not, hatred for me for reason(s) only she knows, she aged tremendously well. The video isn’t the clearest and she looks like she could still be in her twenties for all anyone would know.

1/24/2020 Friday 7:18 AM

Went for a half-hour walk. It’s 50 degrees out. The kind of weather where you wouldn’t want to be outside reading or something like that, but that’s ideal for working out.

I’m now down a total of 2 pounds and so far, it’s been easier than expected. I’ve just got to remind myself once I do start craving variety why I’m doing this and that’s to be healthier and lower my risk of diabetes. Even so, I still don’t expect to lose much more than another pound or two even if I keep dieting and exercising as I have been. My body just doesn’t give up its weight which tells me I’m probably where I’m supposed to be and perhaps not as much of a health risk as I may think at times. At least I know what to do when I start gaining a little extra. I’m not in my 70s yet. No letting it all go to hell until then!

I know Aly isn’t going to be happy about this, but I’ve had it with WhatsApp. They’ve been way too hit-or-miss lately and getting worse. If she ever tells me it’s been a few months since there were any problems there, since I don’t expect her to give up WhatsApp just because I have, maybe I’ll return then. For now, I would prefer Skype. I’ve used both apps for a long time and Skype is definitely more reliable. Rarely does it have problems.

Hard to believe we could be meeting in just a few months. I’m so excited! I told her what my schedule is likely to be in May and June but that’s always subject to change at least a little. I thought she was going to stay here but she prefers a hotel or motel just like Tom and I do when we travel, and while it would have been no problem putting her up for a night or two, I will admit a hotel would be easier on us as well. That way we can go in the kitchen and not have to worry about waking her up and things like that.

She gave me a great idea. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before but she’s bringing her Alexa with her because she likes to relax to nature sounds like I do and I realized I could take one of the older, smaller Dots to play pink noise and then play brown noise through an earbud so I have a wide range of frequencies when we go to Hawaii.

I don’t know why, but the helicopters were more annoying than the commercial planes and small planes yesterday. There were easily over a dozen low-flying helicopters zooming over that it made me wonder if there was a huge accident or something else going on. But when I checked the local news and to see if anything was trending on Twitter in my area, I didn’t find anything. I think it’s just like Tom said, helicopters are much cheaper than they were years ago, so everybody’s got them. I swear the world just keeps getting noisier and noisier, especially in heavily populated areas. I am so done with big cities when we finally get out of here!

1/25/2020 Saturday 3:52 PM

We’re just beginning to see faint traces of spring here. They’re very faint but they’re there. More sunshine. Highs in the 60s more often. Low’s in the thirties less often. In fact, the motorcycles are getting more annoying. Some bastard just roared around the house. Dixie said something about the guy’s son visiting on a motorcycle that lives across from her. So fucking rude. Those things just don’t belong in a retirement community.

Dixie stopped and chatted with Tom for a few minutes when he was outside earlier.

Something bad must’ve happened to Dahl or Barbara because lately there have been 3 or 4 vehicles over there instead of the usual two that they own. The paramedics were there once or twice, and I’ve seen a medical equipment truck there a couple of times as well. It said Respiratory Care on it so I’m guessing he needs to be on oxygen just like Ralph was.

Lots of loud engines when we were out and of course some loud car stereos which the nicer weather brings out the worst of.

It was a little over 50 degrees when I was walking at around 9 a.m. I didn’t take my hoodie. I just wore my black leggings and a sweatshirt.

Yesterday I got two letters in the mail. One pissed me off while the other had me a bit bummed out.

Let’s start with a pisser. That would be from the park. Did we get a letter apologizing for the 5 days we were without water and promised a discount for those days that services weren’t rendered? Of course not. Instead, they wrote to brag about how wonderful they were in handling it and how little sleep they got. Okay, so they did pat the backs of a few of the residents for handing out water and all that but come on. Who the hell do they think they’re kidding?

The letter I got that was kind of sad was inevitable. I knew the day would come and that’s that my dentist, the best doctor I’ve ever had, is moving to Georgia with her husband so he can pursue his career in law enforcement. I was surprised. I thought she would say she was retiring and moving to Hawaii, but I guess that being older and all that, her husband was likely offered a job as sheriff or something like that.

Holly may stick around but it’s no longer worth driving all the way out to Roseville, so I intend to find a new dentist closer to home. If we were moving in a year or less I may stay with them but we’re going to be here for a long time, so I’d rather find a place closer. Plus, I still prefer to be treated by women and she’s having a guy take over for her. He could be wonderful for all I know, but he and I would rather not have to travel that far in such a crowded place. I appreciate the nearly eight years she helped keep my teeth in shape!

There are a couple of lady dentists just a couple of miles away that are from here from what I read and therefore I wouldn’t have to deal with any hard-to-understand accents of any kind which really annoys the hell out of me.

Even though my PCP has a bit of an annoying accent, I’m used to it, I’ve been with her for a while and am comfortable with her. So I’m going to stick with her for the rest of the time we’re here even though she too, is in Roseville.

Earlier we went to Burger King to try their Impossible Whopper and it was actually pretty good. It tasted very similar to real beef. After treating myself to the burger, fries and some M&M’s, I ended up napping for a little while. Not used to eating that much food and so unhealthy these days. The plant-based burger may be healthier than red meat but the rest of it wasn’t exactly healthy and it was a million calories to take in at once. This burger still has close to the same calories regular burgers do.

I’m having a second cup of coffee now to try to perk myself up. Definitely not going to unwind with Merlot at the end of the day if I stay this energyless. I hope I’m not at the end of the wonderful burst of energy I’ve been having this last week or so. I really like having good energy even if it means having a bit of insomnia. The last two nights I had trouble falling asleep but slept well once I did manage to crash. For a while, I had been getting up twice during my sleep to pee, but lately, I haven’t even gotten up once.

He’s working from home for a few hours today. Earlier, he replaced the brushes and filter on our Roomba and fixed the toilet that wasn’t always flushing properly. Hopefully, it’ll keep working, as he said, but if it doesn’t, we might have to get a new actuator for it.

Alexa has gotten so many devices and gadgets and her app has gotten so confusing and frustrating to use. I was trying to pair the Alexa clock in the bedroom with the remote and also with the Bluetooth speaker, but instead, I paired the remote to the Bluetooth. Smart, huh? Fortunately, Tom was able to unpair everything for me.

The more I use Windows the less I like it. Too many things it can’t do that a Mac can do.

The more I use Healthy Hoof, the faster my nails seem to grow. I can’t swear to it, though, because my nails grow fast anyway. My nails are looking healthier as well but that could have been a particular brand of polish that caused the discoloring and lifting I was having. I’m sticking to Nicole polish which has never given me a problem. If my nails continue to do well, I’ll dump all my old polish and get a set of Nicole polish on Amazon. There’s a set of 15 mini bottles for under $20 that I’ve got saved for later.

For now, we’re going to be ordering another heavyweight bowl for the pigs since Blitz sometimes pushes on the divider. That way each side will have a heavyweight bowl since I already have one. This one is white with silhouettes of rabbits and ferrets. The one I plan to get is blue with tan guinea pig faces and paws. Plus, I’m going to get the pink lightweight headphones for when I’m out walking.

Tom said it’s the year of the rat in China. Right on, China! Even though I don’t know what the hell that means.

1/27/2020 Monday 3:10 PM

Been watching The Killing on Hulu but it’s just so-so. I also watched a horror flick called The Prodigy which was pretty good.

My memory is so bad that I totally forgot I’ve actually met Elaine, one of Dixie’s neighbors whom she mentions quite often. She walked by our place one time when I was outside, and we began to chat. The only thing I remember her saying, and only because I wrote it in a journal entry I saw on the On This Day sidebar on Prosebox was, “My only complaint” before someone called out to her and cut her off, leaving me to wonder if she was going to say anything about any of the plants on our lot.

The new headphones sound surprisingly good for the price. Just a little big for my head, so I’ll have to wrap some foam around the top of it or something. I went on my first walk with them. It was pretty nice out and the sun actually felt warm, so I didn’t stay out for more than 15 minutes so as to not get all sweaty. Anything loud or close could still be heard, but they definitely helped. I could still hear some planes and landscaping, but I didn’t have to walk three blocks in order to escape it.

The new guinea pig bowl turned out to be green instead of blue, but they did say “assorted colors” and green is fine. It’s not quite as big as the other ceramic one, but it’s bigger and heavier than the plastic one.

Decided not to get an iPad even though I found a good deal on one for just $300. According to what I read, it’s not as customizable and may not have the features I know and like on the MacBook Air. But Apple is pushing people to use iPads and fucking up their operating systems. Laptops are probably going to become as obsolete as computers. I get so tired of so much change so fast! Can everyone at least have and keep the same features even as new ones are being added? $300 is a bit much to spend on something that I may not like better than my new Windows computer.

I was going to get a new Kindle because my Paperwhite has gotten old, sluggish, and has issues going back pages. The battery doesn’t last nearly as long as it used to either. I was considering an 8-inch Kindle Fire HD but then decided to download the Kindle app on my Samsung Galaxy and try reading there. So far, I like it! The only problem is that the phone is heavier than the Paperwhite. But the app is much better than the Paperwhite because I really prefer white on black. It’s much more relaxing, especially in a darkened bedroom as I prepare for bed. It’s much faster and easier to navigate through the pages as well, and I like how it tells me both how much time is left in a chapter as well as how much of the book I’ve read. So, no iPad or new Kindle.

Even though Tom put new brushes and a new filter in the Roomba, that’s what we might have to replace because it’s still not doing a very good job lately. He said he’ll check the motor. I think it’s just getting old. I would totally love to have one that could mop floors as well!

Since I don’t feel as bad as often as I used to back when I was in hormonal hell and having trouble with my meds, I really don’t mind vacuuming by hand for a while because then at least I don’t have to prep and move things and all that. No, I may not be as thorough as Roomba when it’s working well, but I can at least throw the vacuum over the main walkways easily enough

I hope nothing is wrong with the hot water tank. It used to be that you could hear it running, but now I can hear these tapping sounds. Then again, the one in the trailer did that and so did the one in our Phoenix house, so it’s probably no big deal.

Since we have 6 1-gallon bottles of water, plus a 5-gallon jug of water, I decided to drain the tub. As for the toilet, it’s flushing faster but there were a couple of times I had to press the button to get it to flush. So we’re going to have to order a new actuator for it. It will cost 80 bucks but it’s a quick fix, he says.

He asked me what I thought about the idea of putting rocks alongside the carport instead of fake grass. After he thought about it, he realized that dog walkers may let their dogs pee on it, and being fake grass, it wouldn’t sink down into the dirt but leave a puddle on it instead. Even the turkeys could decorate it with puddles. So yeah, I agree that gravel would be better. We don’t want to leave it the way it is because that just makes more work for him since he would have to weed it, and when it rains it gets muddy.

It’s tough trying to be a raw/fresh/natural girl in a processed country. Walmart didn’t have my raw peanuts. I don’t like salt and I love freshly baked peanuts in the shell. But as Tom said, most people don’t want to work. They want to be able to just open a bag and eat their snacks. Well, there are plenty of salted peanuts out there, that’s for sure.

The reasons I’m sexist are because of the way most men treat women in general, and the other is because so many of them are dumb compared to women. My husband is smarter than 95% of the population will ever be, female and male, but yesterday was a reminder of just how dumb so many men are. We went to Target, and amongst a few annoying brats, I asked a guy that worked there if they had raw peanuts in the shell. He said they were in the nut aisle but all they had were roasted and salted which is everywhere.

Either way, we decided not to go to Target as often because Walmart is cheaper and has more things we like. I do like Target’s selection of coffee, though, so once a month or so we’ll go there to stock up on coffee.

I was thinking about how my father told me he and mom couldn’t eat as much during one of our final conversations. At first, it’s easy to think that once I get to the point where I can’t eat as much, it will drop me to an ideal weight since I’m not as overweight as most people end up getting when they get older, I’m shorter which makes weight loss more noticeable, and I’m heavier than I look because I’m muscular. But then when I thought about just how far away I am from this happening, I could end up much more than 30 pounds overweight by the time I get there. If I were to end up something like 50-80 pounds overweight by the time I get too old to eat as much, then lose 30 pounds, I’d still be heavier than I am now. I guess that for now the best I can do is try to keep from gaining since all I can lose is a few pounds and we don’t have as much control over our weight when we get older as we might like to think we do. I’m not ashamed of my weight/size but I’m never going to be “proud” of something that has potential health risks in the name of political correctness either.

My blood pressure has definitely improved with healthier eating and less stress in my life. My systolic number is still high but being in the 130s is definitely better than the 140s and 150s. My lower number used to be in the 90s and that’s been close to normal. Right now, I’m 131/75.

I did have a little bit of anxiety last night but we’re hopeful that it was just because Monday was looming right around the corner which isn’t my favorite time of the week. Rather than skip my meds, I knew I could find out for sure if it was just an end-of-the-weekend thing if I took it today, so I did. So far, I’m fine but I’ve only been up for 6 hours, so we’ll see. If I get anxious in a few hours or so when the meds peak in my system, then yeah, time to back off a bit.

The weird thing is that my boobs have been sore lately as if I’m PMSing, though I’m not worried about it. As long as I don’t have any bleeding. But why do I have this symptom 3 months into menopause? I’ve even had faint cramp-like feelings which could be from a few things, some bad and some not, but not often or severe enough to be a concern. Last year around this time I also had sore boobs, which are unfortunately quite large, and it was the only time a period didn’t follow. Hopefully, that’s all this is and just a bit of a rise in estrogen which I would have thought I would be done with since it’s been 13 months since my last period.

We were glad to learn we’re going to get back nearly 2k and taxes since they withheld more because of the way we had to take from the 401 to get Candy. It’s still one of the best purchases we ever made, and he absolutely loves not having to stop for gas. Anyway, we still have quite a bit of debt, so most of the money will go toward that.

Even though it’s very unlikely that we’ll ever move to Stuart, I briefly entertained the idea of having my Facebook saying I live there when we move, regardless of where we end up. For one, I would rather people not know where we really end up that I’m not close to, and secondly, of course I find it funny to think of the drama queen and her shitsprings seeing it somehow, even if some of them might have moved by then.

“Why not someplace like New Jersey?” Tom asked.

Well, because they know damn well I would never move there. Then the perfect location came to me. Hawaii, of course! ROTFL! Sadly, we can never move there in reality, but we sure can on Facebook. LMAO! I just have to make sure I don’t mention the state in any of my journals which is almost certainly going to be Florida, just probably not Stuart.

1/28/2020 Tuesday 3:35 PM

I signed up for Google Alerts on Tom and myself, plus a few others a while back. Last night I got an alert with Tom’s obituary, LOL. A 74-year-old guy with the same name died in Wisconsin.

Love how I can connect the Kindle app to Goodreads so I can mark the book I’m reading as “currently reading” and then shelve and rate them from there.

I also discovered that I could use the email account I created for sweeps for its own set of Google Docs and that way I can keep journals separate from everything else. I didn’t want to have to sift through so many documents to get to a certain thing on my main Google Docs but would still like to have journals available so I can access them on any device in any location. Not going to bother to sync my docs on the Mac because I just don’t see myself ever using the Mac full-time again.

I decided to go ahead and share public entries on the shit I got from the subtropical drama queens. Why? because I want them to be reminded of why I’ll never forgive and accept them back into my life when they get to missing me someday. I don’t expect the girls to ever look for me unless maybe to tell me if Tammy dies, but Tammy’s going to want to play kiss and make-up someday. Not going to happen, and she can read why when the time comes. Then again, I’m sure they all truly believe deep down in their heart of hearts that they did absolutely nothing wrong.

Two cars in the carport and three on the street by Dahl and Barbara’s place. Now I’m starting to wonder if someone died over there. I sent Dixie an email asking if she knew anything. Something’s got to be going on over there. Plus, I wanted to see how her wrist is doing.

Tom has this thing that tested the Roomba’s motor and it said it was working fine. It still works, it just doesn’t do as good of a job as it used to since it’s now over 6 years old. We paid nearly $500 for this one but now they have non-name brands that are a lot cheaper. I really want one that mops as well. They have some that vacuum and mop that are close to $500 and then they have separate robots that are roughly $170 each. I don’t know yet what we’re going to get.

My tits aren’t as sore as they were yesterday. I’m wondering if the anxiety might have been connected to that somehow like if there was a shift in my hormones or something like that. But since things are usually caused by what we least want them to be caused by, I skipped my meds today. I’m sure it’s building up in my system and that’s part of why I’ve had more energy lately as well. I’m going to cut my dose until the first and then ramp it up for the lab.

I’m back to having to get up during my sleep to pee, but my weight has been back to where it usually is. Can I keep from hitting the 160s this year? I still don’t know about that but I’m certainly going to try.

This is going to be my last “processed” day. I had one of his burgers and I’m already feeling that funny feeling in my head that I tend to feel when I don’t eat healthily. It’s sort of like a pressure or a vibration. I don’t know how the hell Tom can stand to eat so unhealthily as he does, but it’s lucky for him since he refuses to change. Later I’ll finish the last of my fried fish and then I’ll have mostly unprocessed stuff.

1/29/2020 Wednesday 3:04 PM

I think it’s sad that people regularly refer to whites these days as white trash, and it’s okay. Call anyone else names and it’s not acceptable at all. Yeah, I think we’ve taken the politically correct bullshit a little too far these days. Yet the fact still remains that two wrongs don’t make a right any more than applying new or fancy labels to things changes what those things are.

Went out walking for about 15 minutes. I’ll walk more on the treadmill later. The breeze was cool, the sun was warm. I ran into Dixie on the way and she stopped to chat with me for a couple of minutes.

She told me that yes, there was a death in the house across from next door. Dahl’s wife Barbara had cancer before they moved here, thought it was gone, but it returned and killed her. How sad. Imagine buying a new house and then dying just a few months later? Now the question is whether or not he’s going to stay there by himself. I hope the house doesn’t go back on the market, but the guy has to do what he has to do.

The winds are northerly again which means the planes are back to being a nuisance. I could hear one roaring overhead clearly when out on my walk even with the headphones playing pretty loud. If the damn thing was just a little lower I could probably make out the airline.

I found a flaw in the Kindle app I’ve got on my phone and that’s that it doesn’t sync after I’ve been listening to Alexa read me parts of a book.

Aly completely ignored my question when I asked her if Molly was continuing to ignore her and not realize she’d been ghosted, furthering my suspicions that they’d picked up their friendship elsewhere. But why the secrecy? I don’t get why Aly feels the need to hide it at this point. She knows I know they’ve been friends and that I know it’s not my place to tell her who she should or shouldn’t be friends with.

1/30/2020 Thursday 4:40 PM

Last night I was bored out of my fucking mind. My mind flashed through all kinds of writing projects and other ideas yet not a single one of them appealed to me. It wasn’t like I couldn’t come up with some basic story ideas. I just couldn’t motivate myself to actually put them in print.

I found myself a touch anxious and depressed, obsessively worrying about the future as I tend to do way more often the older I get. Trying to tell myself not to worry about the end of our lives because that time isn’t here yet and I can’t control it anyway just doesn’t always work. Trying to distract myself in a productive way isn’t always that easy either.

I still miss some aspects of and feelings my old self would experience, but then I know I should be glad that my worst problem in life is being bored and not finding things as new and as exciting since I’ve been there, done that, etc. Most new things I would like to try simply can’t be done at the snap of my fingers just because I may be in the mood and have the time.

I’m going to try doing a puzzle walk at the start of every hour. Hopefully, that will keep me from having too much free time on my hands while being beneficial to my health at the same time.

I read an article the other day that said that weight loss and aging are actually not normal, but a sign that something is wrong. This does make sense when you think about it, too. The metabolism only keeps getting slower with age. Not the other way around. But there definitely does seem to be a loss of appetite in older people for a variety of reasons. I’m already noticing a slight decrease in appetite now that I no longer have PMS hunger to deal with and then the hunger that often comes with perimenopause. Not a 1000-calorie-a-day kind of appetite, but I find it’s easier to go down to 1200-1500 rather than 1500-2000. Even so, that’s still too high for weight loss as a short female with a bum thyroid.

I realized a couple of days ago that I no longer get dizzy when I lie down or get up. Those ear crystals must have found their way back home.

It’s Aly I’m worried about. She’s been through so much shit for as long as I’ve known her, and while I know life isn’t fair and I shouldn’t let it get to me, I can’t help but find myself comparing her to Kim every now and then and getting angry. Here you have this great person who has one thing after another while the insane person who has no ability to feel empathy, guilt or remorse much less any ambitions in life other than to live in a fantasy world gets off easy. She sleeps like a baby, she’s never had cancer, she’s never had any stomach issues, she shouldn’t need a hysterectomy anytime soon if ever, and of course, Novasure was a complete success for her. It just hardly seems fair any more than why it always has to be me that doesn’t get to live in peace. Everyone else either has a quiet place or they don’t mind it if it’s noisy. That’s just life for you. the murderer always wins the lottery while the good people struggle and suffer.

There are at least some new and exciting things to look forward to, though, and that’s likely to be the RoboRock we’ll probably order in about a week. This is a combination vacuum and mop robot and less expensive as well at just over $300. We checked all the particulars on how it functions, including reviews, and now we’re going to sit on it for a week or so since we don’t want to make impulse purchases, and if this still seems to be our best deal at that time, we’ll probably get it. Our old one can be used for other projects. Sometimes it’s easy to drop some bedding and turds when we go outside to shake out the pigs’ liners, and it can be used to sweep up little things in the carport.

Went back to separate books for what I share with the public versus what I keep private on PB. It was just too much of a pain in the ass to break them up into separate parts.

I didn’t sleep as well last night. I woke up many times and even had another spider nightmare. This one wasn’t super-sized or anything. I was lying in bed and watching it move across the ceiling. Then it started to fall down on its web on me and it’s like I was paralyzed, unable to move out of the way.

Then I dreamed of staying in a large house with many rooms. The drama queen was in the room next to me and not too far from us was our cousin Philip. Philip and I had some kind of problem and I later overheard him telling Tammy that he hid a note for her inside his pants that he placed on her bed. When Tammy was out of the room, I quickly snuck in and pulled a sheet of paper out of the pair of jeans that was laid out. I was curious to see if he mentioned whatever problem we had but found that he didn’t.

Then my PCP was visiting in the last dream and she wanted to take a picture of my dresser because she thought it was decorated so cutely. I told Alexa to turn on the light since the room wasn’t very bright at the moment, and she ignored me as she usually does in dreams. But the second time around she listened to me when I told her to turn on “dawn.”

1/31/2020 Friday 9:29 PM

Ready to give up on The Killing and perhaps TV in general for a while. I’m tired of the unfair and unrealistic portrayal of society in general, even though I should probably tell myself hey, it’s just TV. But it’s all about how horrible white people are and how innocent everyone else in the world is and I’ve had enough. There are plenty of ways to have good, entertaining shows without making reference to race. It simply isn’t necessary to keep bringing it up as often as most shows do. When the producers start mixing in some characters that play the race card and stories about whites who are discriminated against, then I’ll be inclined to watch more.

I slept shitty as hell. The fucking trash and recycle trucks woke me up like half a dozen times since they always gotta make a big production out of things and can’t simply get the shit and go. They shouldn’t need to be here for hours yet they are. It’s just fucking ridiculous.

They weren’t the only ones to wake me up, though. I woke up several times for no particular reason and to pee. At least I didn’t have that nasty foot cramp I had the night before.

Enjoying a break from the planes tonight which was annoying last night.

My nails are continuing to look better, so I’m just going to go and dump all my old nail polish and start anew with a brand that doesn’t mess them up.

Tom brought home a bucket of KFC after work. We’ll both enjoy this, the sides that came with it, and other things he got for a few days. He’s working tomorrow so he won’t be going to Sam’s until Sunday.

Each month I count the days that I ranged anywhere from barely borderline anxious to actually anxious and at first I was horrified when I counted six days for January, more than November and December combined. Then Tom reminded me of the experiment I did which means I didn’t go as low as I normally go with my meds and that’s why I had more anxious days.

It only makes me angrier and more mistrustful of doctors in general. The problem is mostly on the meds just like I said 5 years ago. At least now the good thing is that I know what to do about it when I start to feel anxious. It just sucks that I have to choose between anxiety or fatigue. I really love the energy I’ve been having, though, which is a sign right there that it was building up in my system, so of course I would have some anxiety. I skipped yesterday, cut today’s pill, and now it’s every day until labs. I just have to remind myself it’s only for 33 days. I got this. I can do this…and then I can trade any anxiety that should be building up about then if not sooner for fatigue.

He still thinks that I’ll one day be able to take it every day without being anxious but maybe not until he retires. He also thinks that together we’ll help each other lose weight when he retires. Well, he has a great track record for being right, but I don’t think so. He might get the first one right and he might lose some weight when he retires but I honestly don’t see myself ever losing weight unless something was wrong.

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