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2020-01-20 01:02:40 (UTC)

On the Margins and Sexually Unsatisfied

It's become a pattern to post entries a little after midnight. Unintended but here we are.

A familiar diarist messaged me this morning (my time) and I must say that it was a pleasant surprise. We exchanged a few messages, mainly catching up and wishing each other well but I hope we keep in touch. Maybe building friendships here isn't a lost cause after all. It wasn't even a horrible reminder of what had happened. It was a reminder but it's good to see most of us are over it and moving on.

Today passed me by so loosely that I feel I may have been absent-minded the entire time. We had a usual family Sunday but my presence there wasn't very significant. I didn't engage in any talk with my aunts (who'd come from overseas for a visit), other people easily took the attention. Most of my efforts were concentrated on not being bothered. With the immense loneliness I've felt last night, today was just a numb aftershock.

Speaking of loneliness though, it doesn't help that C refuses to provide sexual gratification in our long distance relationship. Whenever the subject is brought up, it's the same answer that it's not about me being unattractive or him being asexual, it's that he's ready for the real thing and cyber or phone sex is just awkward at this stage. Still, I can't help feeling it's a rejection each time. Maybe I'm not as clear about what I want with him. Maybe in his over-thinking perfectionist brain of his he misunderstood my expectations. I guess I'll gently bring it up tomorrow. Sometimes I get the impression he's more sensitive than I am about certain things. Besides, I'm the one trying to move to where he is, I'm the one who's going to visit him next when it's his turn. At this point it feels I need to visit him to finally make love to him, at the same time though, a part of me wants to make him suffer as I'm suffering. If he is, then he's doing a brilliant job hiding it.

To make matters worse, the charger cable snapped so I can't charge my vibrator anymore. I'm seriously deliberating getting a collection one day, it kinda feels like shopping for toys.

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