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2020-01-18 15:32:32 (UTC)

I want to do bad things with you

When you came in the air went out
and every shadow filled up with doubt
I don't know who you think you are
but before the night is through
I wanna do bad things with you
- - "Bad Things" Jace Everett

The undertone of the song is clear as day, but I can't help being inspired to think about something else not so far off. I've been wondering whether I took an interest in witchcraft for the wrong reason when I was younger. It held an appeal to me because it implied a growing cycle between an individual and the cosmos. Believe me, I was looking to belong somewhere. It's a tough thing to know you're lost. It explains a lot why I was always putting myself in the position of the student or the child. It explains why I was looking for mentors, teachers, big brothers, big sisters, older lovers... deep down I knew I needed guidance, and I knew I didn't have the right tools to walk the path by myself. On second thought, maybe I do but I find that the only way it can be meaningful is if I shared it with someone, if I had a witness to see what I've done. Maybe, then, this isn't about taking but about giving.

This is not to devalue the upbringing I already received, of course. I'm grateful for the family I was born into, I couldn't have been more lucky. But what I'm after is not something one finds in family, it's something one discovers in the outer circles. I believe people go through different experiences of belonging to certain groups and going through experiences before realizing that all they need is themselves. It all goes back to that center. I've often felt that outside my small circle I've found a wasteland. I don't think I've ever truly belonged anywhere. It's possible that I reached that stage earlier than some and intellectually, I tell myself that that's where everyone might end up eventually, that this really isn't something to complain about. However, emotionally, there's the indication that an experience is still missing to instill that lesson.

The feeling of being in a labyrinth isn't going away but more and more I'm getting the feeling that I'm supposed to be finding myself. I'm supposed to reach its heart, not the exit, and there I might open a door that leads to a version of me that knows how to find an outlet for her anger, her lust, and her love.