chae

from my heart
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2020-01-17 05:39:18 (UTC)

i should be happy for him

12:39 am

its weird because i used to be close to roman and we have drifted apart so much. roman called jinsol today privately and it kinda hurts me inside because i want that type of friendship with roman.

friendship is weird because you can be friends with someone for 3 days and be closer to them than someone you have known for a whole year.

i just wished that roman and i were closer. i wish i was the person he went to when he was in trouble. but he goes to jinsol. i guess i should be happy that roman has somebody he could go to even if that isnt me. i should be happy for him and i am but i also feel sad

its hard to care about things you dont care about and i noticed that i rarely ever give a fuck about people as rude as that sounds. i keep getting messages from people i “cut” off from my life and i dont regret cutting them off. i feel happier without them.

but i wish those people trying / wanting to talk to me was roman. i think the reason why i so badly want to be there for him is partially because im selfish and i want to be his number one in a way but also because he was the only person i was able to go to when i was down. literally he was the only person i trusted and the only person i spoke too for a while. and when i made the group chat it switched from being me to jinsol so i guess i feel replaced. but i wish i was able to be there for him like how he was for me.

i dont even think i like roman anymore. i just see / feel that he has a lot of hurt inside him and i want him to stop hurting. so i should be HAPPY and i should be relieved that hes talking to jinsol laughing, joking, doing what he and i used to do except now its jinsol. but so why do i feel so sad and miserable?


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