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2020-01-17 00:59:13 (UTC)

A Girls' Night Out

The lights paint everything red.

I sit at the head of the table, too far away to talk to or even hear my cousin and my aunts. The place is designed for a restaurant but plays music for a club. With the wine and the lighting, it makes me want to dance. I think of C a little but he wouldn't like all the stimulation. I think of A instead. He'd dance with me, he'd be so close and comfortable, but he'd want to fuck afterwards. So I eventually sink into a mild stupor and imagine being with someone, dancing, talking, fucking, whichever, but with some kind of spirit of a person. I don't even know if it's a man or a woman. It's more of a presence I long for to experience a moment. It's all a feeling, a desire. How I'm able to put it into words now is a bit of a mystery.

As we head to the exit, my cousin asks me if I had a good time. Well, yes, I did. From being in my own head though. I say it was nice.

Where is this refuge I'm expecting? I don't get it. I can't escape the feeling that I'm somehow tasked with finding a hidden getaway within a labyrinth. It's not a terrifying dangerous journey, just one that needs a lot of paying attention. Then again, I could just be imagining things.