Bauhaus

Daily journal
2020-01-16 19:54:31 (UTC)

Remembering primary school

[Written Sunday, 22 December 2019, 21:54]

Another quiet day. It’s raining again though, so that’s pretty nice.

[I'm continuing my stroll down memory lane on days I have nothing better to write about]
So my memories about primary school aren’t that much better than kindergarten.
I went to two primary schools. Started out at at the one school [Calling it P1 from here on out], and at some point mid-way through my parents moved me to the second school [Calling it P2 for the rest of this entry, since I'm such a creative person].
I don’t remember when exactly this transition happened, but oh well. I can’t even really remember which school layout was P1 and which was P2. Although thinking about it now, I think I have it.
P1 had their tuck-shop next to the rugby field, with the playing area on the opposite side of the field. Believe it was at P1 where one day I was walking to the gate at the end of the day, then a ball (I think a soccer ball) hit me [on the head at a decent speed] and the next thing I knew I was lying on the ground.
I also remember I had no clue what age I was and kinda just made up numbers somewhere close to what the other kids were saying.
Talita was at P1 as well with me. When I transferred over to P2, of course she transferred at the same time. [Not really that much of a coincidence. P1 was going downhill and all the parents who knew it were transferring their kids away]

P2 has their tuck shop in between the klasses for the first and second graders, and the classes for the third and fourth graders. I never really bought stuff at that tuck shop. [I'm also remembering that I started at P2 at grade 4]
At the front of P2 was a two story building that had the classes for the grade 5-7 kids [They got that building because from grade 5 onwards we got to pick three of our own subjects and would start walking to a different class each period instead of just being in the same class with the same teacher the whole day like grades 4 and below did].
I think only the computer center was back behind the grade 4 classes. We still used floppy disks in the computer center, I remember. [I remember how the teacher would hammer on about how we shouldn't play with the little metal slider thing at the top of the floppy disk because it damages the floppy].

Here at P2 is where my crush on Talita first really started.
I remember one time [not the first time] that I was “spying” on her during break, from around corners of buildings. Of course she noticed me. When I saw her notice me, I turned and ran and hid behind a different building. About 5 seconds later she also came around that corner and just smirked at me. I’m sure she said something, though I don’t remember exactly what. I imagine something to the effect of me having to be more careful.
I remember everyday after school I would wait for my mom to pick me up at about the same spot. Talita would also wait at pretty much the same spot for her pickup, as well as another girl, Marizette. We would sometimes talk. Sometimes ignore each other.

Twice during my time at P2, I asked Talita on dates. Both times she said yes. Both times were disasters.
I think the first time was where we went to a movie night event out on the rugby field. The reason this one was a disaster was because I was enough of an idiot to spend more than half of the evening not even sitting with Talita while I was watching the movie. I sat next to one of my friends. And the time I did spend with Talita, I made lame jokes. [One part was pretty nice though. Halfway through the movie there was a break. She and I just walked a circuit around the rugby field and talked about things I don't remember anymore]
The second date was a dance event. A sokkie [A dace party taking place in the school's main hall]. This was an even bigger flop. When Talita arrived, I tried to hide from her behind a pillar (unsuccessfully) [obviously]. I only danced with her maybe twice, and neither time very well. And I straight up avoided her the rest of the night. She ended up dancing with some other boy [I can sincerely say he was a great dancer]. At one point she sat around waiting on the stage for someone (me) to come get her. Of course I didn’t, I was much too scared and much too busy avoiding her.

Now, you might be seeing a common thing here with Talita, whereby I desperately want her but I also just keep avoiding her. Well you have to understand, Talita was my very first crush. Before I even knew what a Cush was. She was the cause of these strange new feelings I was having. And that made me scared. It terrified the hell out of me. Terrified me so much that even all the way through to the end of high school I could not talk to her [could not even come close to looking her in the eye] and just had to avoid any interaction with her with the same urgency as a survival instinct.
During my time at P2, and mostly due to the results of those two dates, In my head Talita has come to by pretty much synonymous with the image of the perfect woman, love [Swap this for "want" or "desire" depending on if I was in primary school or high school at the time], obsession and addiction, self-loathing for not being good enough, and pure terror.
Each of those emotions (love [want/ desire], obsession, self-loathing, terror) vividly passed through me every time I saw, interacted with or even though about Talita. From primary school all the way till the end of high school. Hell, some echoes of those are running through me even now. And it was a vicious, self-feeding cycle and only grew with each repetition. I only truly [kinda] ‘got over’ Talita after I left high school and went to a different university than her.
Her name/ surname/ initials forms the base of the PIN I use to unlock my phone to this day, plus some other things. [After a bit of obuscation]
I made her initials and mine into a symbol that I draw and use as wallpapers to this day as well. [The wallpaper on my phone. And my work Laptop. I even had a custom mouse pad until earlier this year with it on]

Talita. She is my biggest mental scar. She is the main thing that formed me into the way I am today. All of my eccentricities and quirks took root from my experiences with her. Even if it’s all due to my own stupidity and no fault of hers.
I am the person I am today, because of Talita.
I accept that I will die alone because of the [memory of the] experience of those two horrible dates and my refusal to experience something like that again or to risk being such an idiot again.

I’m not sure if my explanations above really get across just the extent and intensity of my feelings toward Talita, even now after they have had years of no interaction to fade. But I hope I got the point across. It is an important point. If there were no Talita, I would be a fundamentally different person. [I just want to point out again that I know who I am is my own fault and responsibility. It would be slightly more accurate to say that my reactions to Talita are what made me into who I am now]
I don’t know if I would be a better or a worse person, all I know is that I would be completely different. Less cautious, less self aware, less antisocial.
Talita is the foundation I have built myself on. Or maybe Talita is the storm that destroyed who I was before, and I built who I am now on the rubble of the old.
But yeah, quite literally every decision I make even now that seems strange or stupid can probably be traced back to my experiences with Talita.
I know I’ve repeated myself a few times now, but it’s just such a fundamental point I’m trying to make.
[Nevermind that I sound like a lunatic]




Ad: