2020-01-16 08:27:02 (UTC)

Finish Line

I keep imagining myself at professional nursing conferences,
networking with powerful and likeable people,
being the hidden evil genius that controls so much behind the strings.
but with great power comes tremendous responsibility.
and I could barely handle being promoted to charge after 4 months. that didn't stop my manager from throwing me into a leadership role.
if she didn't know I was a stoner before she fucking knows now. ugh.
eden is the big mood right now. it makes me pretty happy to have made more decisions to connect with people over the past couple of days. though I am feeling pretty guilty about my family. I've been leaving them to dust. it's about time they come visit me for once. I don't care anymore. Herbert needs to step it up. little bitch.
the dreams of being across the world and meeting new people and doing beautiful things overwhelm my mind. I don't know what kind of happiness or joy i'll feel from freely traveling the world and learning more. maybe for now I should be brushing up on my Arabic. it would come as a good surprise to master the dumb language before I see hassan. he might actually fall in love with me then. which is like...not a stupid idea. if my motivation for Hassan to love me is to be in his culture and spend time getting to learn him, maybe he will fight harder. it's a hard maybe though. and i'm not very satisfied with our past interactions.
i'm feeling pretty winded. this shit is getting old. I want to feel not so depressed. and I know what I have to do - it's just so hard to do it. it's exhausting. an endless vicious cycle. and not enough hair oil to fix it.
i have to put one foot in front of the other. one foot in front of the other. and i have to be constantly learning. because at the rate i'm going, i might ruin more than i create. and so far all of my romantic interactions have fallen to shit because of my inability to show restraint. but here i am giving it my all again. and a guy who flirts back and still gives his attention. it just terrifies me that once again i could be wasting my time. but i can't think like that. it has to be my choice to learn. it has to be my experience, regardless of how much time i spend doing it. because i know better than to give up. I've done it too often. i know i can do it more.