overgrown

Journal *TW
2020-01-05 00:00:00 (UTC)

1/5/20

Were going to ---'s. I still have to write my fucking essay, school starts tomorrow. Im looking for questions to write about today so I can maybe clear up my mind. Ive realized that when someone asks me how my home life is, its always been fine, but it isnt they ask when nothings going on and I choose not to remember things like now and the fights me, -----, and my mom have. Next time ---- asks how my life is I'll tell her how I feel. I want the talk again, with someone other than myself.

***

Im home now, and I sort of want to cut. I didnt eat much and all Ive drank was a glass of water and a sip of coffee. I want to see blood. What really happens when a blade slices through flesh?

***

Questions:

How do you feel about your own life?
I dont know. My life has its ups and downs and seems pretty shitty at some moments, like most peoples Im sure. I shouldnt be answering these now, because I dont feel as bad anymore. Maybe I'll answer them again later.

Do you think about your own death or about dying?
Yes, all the time. I think about how freeing it would be, and how it would affect others, and thats why I cant die.

How would you do it?
Cutting probably, otherwise chemicals, or maybe Id go for a stroll at night, thatd be peaceful. Id love to go for a walk now, when its dark. Id walk to ----'s and apologize, then go through the cemetary.

What stopped you from acting on your thoughts?
Disgust, shame, guilt. My mind runs, constantly because I care.

Have you prepared or practiced a plan, such as writing a note?
Notes, thats basically what this is. If I were to kill myself, Id write a note. Should I write one now? Maybe.

How did you feel after your attempt/(self harm)?
relaxed, and then guilty. I chose to lie to my therapist and others who noticed and asked, and I felt guilty for any worry I caused others, but mainly I felt satisfied and relaxed. almost proud.

How do you feel about your own future?
bleak, I dont think I'll be doing anything. Im going to crash and burn like everyone else.

If you had suicidal thoughts again, what would you do to prevent them?
Nothing. Id welcome them, they help me assess my own mind and try to improve on myself and help others. Thinking about suicide deters me from it because I think of the consequences and how theyll always be there.

Are there others who you think would be unable to go on without you?
No. and I dont want there to be.

I asked ---- for a question:
"What cow breed produces milk?" 1/5/20 7:15 pm
all of them, the females at least, I think?
nope, its Holstein for the milk we drink

Maybe Ill write some more today who knows
----

cut my upper arm




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