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The truth is sometimes an enigma. I wish you would simply tell me the truth. Not the one you think I want to hear or this one that you allow me to imagine. Not this one that I have in my head that’s a beautiful dream until the nightmare once more wakes me up. The mixed signals continue without something simple as saying something. Anything. Something other than the cop out of I’m ‘too important to lose if something went wrong’. That truly is a cop out. And while this is going to hurt… A LOT, I have to do this for me. Start with a week of no contact. Trying to wake myself up fully. The mixed signals just have me dying inside. Not too long ago, once more I was giving you money. I had to debate with myself if I was going to actually do it. I’m somewhat disappointed in myself that I did. That’s a girlfriend thing to do. While there are times that I have to stop and question, like remembering where Dunkin specifically for me, there are other times that I wonder. When you post break up posts on FB, I get completely confused.
Here I think that it’s something healthy, adult. A real relationship. We sleep together, laying there with me running my fingers over your back, snoozing your alarm because you don’t really want to get up. Laughing at me because the first thing I did was grab your pillow and curled up to it because you had left. Talking to me about your day (which I do love listening to), talking about the deep things with me, keeping me up with the things you love to do. The next minute I end up confused because you don’t say anything that would make me understand. My fault that I don’t speak up because sometimes I get flummoxed trying to talk to you about the deeper things. Not to mention that sometimes there doesn’t seem to be the chance to. It feels (and I stress that quite a bit) like a relationship. That this is eventually turn into more over time. Then there’s times when you seem to act like that isn’t the case. I end up more confused and I guess I would feel more solid if I heard the words. Instead I keep falling more and more, and the more I fall the harder it will be to get out if this is all just me reading too much into things. This last time is the 2nd time in however long that you invited me down instead of me just saying I’m coming down. This isn’t the first time I’ve been curious. I guess I wish you would just say something. Show up at my door and want to spend time with me. To tell me something. Give me a direction to go in. I sit not knowing if I should be looking once more or have I found it? I want you to be happy, even if it isn’t with me, but I would like to know.
I may still come down for the weekend if for nothing else the chance to sit and talk with you. But I need to take the next few days to get my head straight and know what I’m going to say. I’ve been notorious in the past according to some, can’t seem to say what I think or feel without majorly fucking things up. Inherently making the situation worse and not better. I guess what it comes down to is that I’ll know by Friday if this is a path to follow or just chasing my tail. It’s going to hurt, but I will accept walking away with grace. I won’t lie and say it won’t hurt because it will, but at the end of the day the not knowing is worse than the pain of knowing one way or the other. I have a lot of thinking to do yet, and I hope to get somewhere by the time Wednesday rolls around because if not, I may not come down. I may choose to stay home and figure it out as best I could. Looking back, I’ve come to see that I’ve been acting as I would if this is something. If I’ve overthought it like I’ve been accused of multiple times in the past, then I’ll take that fault as my own.
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