carbonarawhore

Carbonara Whore
2020-01-13 01:41:30 (UTC)

I ALMOST DIED

A lot of things happened today. Where do I even start...
I woke up terribly sick. Both my nose and throat were blocked so I woke up wheezing, like from a nightmare. My puppy also woke me up several times by not-so-good ways like pulling my hair, biting me, etc. I was a very uncomfortable way of waking up. Then I realized how I woke up 4 hours after my alarm rang. I set up an alarm for 9 AM earlier so I could visit Than who just came home from vacation. I've been looking forward to this day, especially when we had a lot of things lined up for today. It's just a bummer that I had to be this sick when I really wanted to go out, and when I don't want to go out at all, that's when my body's okay. The universe seems to be playing with me or something lol. It made me feel so guilty because the night before that he seemed really excited (and I was too!!!) and now I'm just pissed off because the next time we can do this again will on Saturday! I waited one whole week for this :((
In the afternoon, around 3 PM, I went to SM Fairview to have this flu or something checked out. I honestly didn't want to do this because: 1) I don't feel well at all, 2) It costs 500 FUCKING PESOS!!! But I had no choice. It's the closest clinic here and the other one is FEU which is more expensive. This area sucks, man. You can't even find any computer/printing shops nearby! But yeah, I still went for the check-up, because if I postpone this, the next time I can go for a check-up will be on Saturday already. What if I get sick during this week? This thought had been bugging me all day so I said fuck it and just went to get this over with.
I was so thankful that I went...now I don't know what to feel about it.
I was thankful because the doctor assigned for that hour was the UP grad doctor that I like because he's no just going to ask for the symptoms then send you away. He's really going to analyze everything and you'll feel satisfied afterward knowing that you got the best opinion about your symptoms. But the meds, man...it cost me P600 :( That's like, two dozens of J.CO donuts already lol.
Why am I not thankful for it then? Because just an hour ago I FUCKING CHOKED ON THE PILL THAT HE GAVE ME!!! It was a big ass round pill and it blocked my airways to the point that I was crying and crawling on the floor (no exaggeration) because I thought I was really going to die. IT FUCKING HURT. Until now I can still feel it but it's not there anymore. My siblings panicked and now I'm just embarrassed. Being dumb can really kill you. The moment I realized that I could've split it into two was when it's already in my throat, so I had no other choice but to just swallow. Seriously, why do I keep being deep-throated by random shit (endoscopy and now this) instead of a dick??? Well now I can make fun of it because it's over, thankfully, but earlier I was so desperate to live. It also didn't help that prior to taking this pill, I took 3 other meds which gave me heartburn (because I didn't eat that much) so it was kind of a combination of all of that. I felt so miserable.
Before that though, I read some news articles about the Taal Volcano eruption, and apparently my area is affected with the ashfall. My co-teachers even sent photos with their vehicles covered with ash. This scared the fuck out of me and gave me that post-apocalypse feeling. Everything scares me though, sometimes it's because I'm ignorant, most of the time it's because I'm just paranoid in general.
Also random thoughts:
I REALLY want to dye my hair again pleasee (like all of it this time) because I've observed that the dyed part of my hair is healthier than the black ones like??? I'm guessing it's because of the dye I used. It works as a treatment too so instead of drying out my hair, it made it healthier lol. But Lee is not in good terms with me right now so I'm hesitating to ask her when she's free again :(( Why do I push everyone away aaaaaa
Every time I look at my sister's laptop (this one that I'm using right now), I feel pathetic. Its exterior is disintegrating already especially the screen. I just feel pathetic how I can't get a laptop as easily as other people can. I mean, if I only saved up all the money I spent for food and clothes, I would've had a laptop now. But I can't also regret those moments since they're what kept me going all this time. Also... I SHOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT THOSE TICKETS!!! I was manic, I'm so sorry self TT Now I also feel guilty how I kind of forced Than for that since I bought a ticket for him too. My conscience bugs me every day about this. There are times that I would be daydreaming that I would just find a laptop somewhere and nobody's going to claim it lol. Same with money.
Another random thought: As I was on the way home earlier from the hospital, I saw puppies in a cage. I assumed they're for sale. That made me feel so sad especially when I could hear their desperate barks to be set free :( And I thought to myself, I'm too soft for this world. What if everybody's as soft as me? Maybe there would be no wars, poverty, imperialism, etc. The thing is, being soft is not enough, you have to learn how to fight back too and kind of numb yourself sometimes since even without those that I mentioned, the world is an open system and will still not be perfect. I was just being naive obviously. Seriously though, I would want to see a world filled with only soft-hearted people.
Right now I'm just writing because I'm procrastinating from doing my lesson plan lol. I should probably go to sleep already, but I'm in the borderline of wanting to sleep and wanting to stay awake but not wanting to do anything that will take 80% of my attention lol.
Also, I need friends :( I feel so isolated lately. By lately I mean since 2016 haha :(




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