2020-01-12 05:34:08 (UTC)


i can hear it from j.d. now. laughing at me for being dramatic the way that i was.
and the flustering i felt for being so immature. it gets me every time.
it became my worst nightmare, being a dramatic character like that. and yet, there are still moments in my life where that drama comes out. and it makes me honestly want to kill myself as i'm constantly aware 100% of the time about how my actions and behavior affect me.
that's why i got friendzoned by nick. and i'm over here trying to convince my friends that i don't care and i didn't need him. but i was deeply hurt by his decision to distance me and downgrade our relationship. i think it makes sense but i also think that i could be too sensitive around him. either that or he could actually be an asshole. will the world ever know?
i feel confused with myself. mostly because PK is here in my apartment. I've been bitter about family not coming to visit for a long time. but what astounds me is that PK has visited me before my own family has. so what does that say about how he feels about me? how does he put up with all the buffoonery? and what if this is a feeble attempt to mask the pain from being hurt by nick? oh god, what if i'm the asshole?
i keep inhaling and exhaling my problems. literally. every time there's some issue bothering me, i completely clear my mind and just acknowledge the way it makes me feel before i completely let it go for the moment. i feel like it counteracts that stress that builds up over time waiting to explode. and i really need to stretch myself out more. my weak ass.
i think i'm finally starting to eat more often, if not more. but it is truly demanding. i feel more bloated and nauseated than usual. i'm still forgetting when i eat because i'm so high all the fucking time. and legalization did not help my habits one iota. i need to start taking better care of myself or i'm going to collapse faster. everyone keeps saying it only goes downhill from here. but i can NOT let myself hit that point. i know i'm young but i will not be rewarded for naivety. i need to try and be better or i will suffer more. it's difficult to think sometimes.
i need to go back to finding my rhythm. and i know it starts with forming better habits.
normal sinus rhythm, baby.