2020-01-11 03:26:02 (UTC)

(5) Acceptance

Yes! We made it. I'm tired of this too but it's good to finish what you set out to do.

True acceptance came with writing this, I think; these stages and this diary overall. I read that acceptance isn't that things are now fixed but that you've embraced this new reality. So, from time to time memories will creep up and I may need to mention them with some reaction, now that I realised it's healthy to express immediate emotions. However, discovering that what once elicited a strong reaction is now a pale imitation of an echo is quite liberating. That's how you know you're on the right track.

I contacted him at one point, it was a careless moment prompted by lack of sleep, to be honest. I asked a question which apparently offended him deeply and he spat back a wave of powerful insults. It was glorious, I read through the words and I could visualise how they may have left his side as missiles ready to explode upon contact, but by the time they got to my end they were small, sad, and fading sparkles. Have you ever felt so strong? I hope you do. It's so... self-sufficient. I finally reached that point when I honestly could not care less about what he thought of me. He never did give me a straight answer about why he has such an elaborate ruse, but I guess we'll never know. I now assume that everything he typed was a lie and so I don't know the person. And I can't judge a person I don't know, and I certainly can't hate a person I don't know. It's worthless wasting your emotional energy over something like that.

And so, my reality now is that I encountered a borderline psychopath. Cheers for experience. It's now a relief that it was all fiction, now I can just say thank you for the stories. It's not every day that someone creates an imaginary friend for you to interact with. It was fun while it lasted, I guess. All the songs that created painful associations and almost made me cry now make me dance.

It's amazing, really. When you can breathe again.

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