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2020-01-09 16:33:01 (UTC)

(3) Depression

I don't take depression lightly, which means I'm not quick to say I'm depressed because I probably don't have it that bad. A more accurate emotion would be sadness because I had in fact lost something that I needed to mourn.

I had two main things to be sad about. First, real or not, a correspondence which gave me a certain level of fulfillment has ended. Real or not, I lost a friend. Reliving nice moments and good conversations under the new light that it was all a lie has a significant toll. Just the old fashioned disappointment in people, really. And second, I was deceived. No one likes the realisation that someone out there has got the better of them and has done so by abusing the qualities they consider make them a better person. You see, it wasn't simply a case of mistaking fiction for reality. I've been emotionally invested in stories that I knew were fiction. That happens to a reader. No, it involved much more than that, it's about being actively lied to and deliberately being pulled into a web.

Keep in mind however, that these are good causes to be enraged, rather. And I was battling my anger and pushing it back while trying to somehow write away the sadness. I slipped all that into fragmented words because expression was needed. But I was in this loop of truth and untruth, sadness and anger while trying to rush to acceptance.

Until, that is, I heard the word "boring". Then, Mr. Anger was pounding so hard he nearly shattered my window.

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