2020-01-08 23:51:40 (UTC)

(2) Bargaining

I'm well aware that the second stage is anger but I have a special kind of relationship with that emotion. In fact, if anger were a man then he'd be the guy smirking at me, teasing me about being my best solution as I resist and resist because my upbringing didn't allow it. But, inevitably, after I realise otherwise, I let him in through my window with defeat. Anyhow, that's for a different entry.

One of the things that happen in this stage is starting sentences with "I should have". The two long messages detailed the many diaries that were fake, including the ones I was invested in reading. I won't mention names, of course, though some might guess. Plus, I can't remember all of them and they must be deleted by now (because I couldn't find the ones I was reading when I came back). I wasn't convinced right away but after some chatting with said person and repeatedly sinking into flashbacks, I began to see that the red flags should have been glaring red sirens. I make it sound so bad... what I mean is I started saying to myself that I simply should have seen it was fiction.

It was a relatively short period, I admit. It just felt long in my head. I didn't dare go back and reread, just remembered things differently. I remembered the small details that occur in a conversation, the small things that seemed to align, the cross references (that were staged, apparently), and the lies, most of all. At that rate it wasn't hard to reach a little thing called depression.

I hope you excuse me for not elaborating. It's part of the rules to keep things brief now, without indulging in detail. Besides, it's not my place to talk about other people. I'm only recounting what I need to move on.

Onward, then.