chae

from my heart
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2020-01-08 22:12:28 (UTC)

life is art

5:12 pm

everyones lives seems so exciting. full of hope and dreams, a future that will come true. i think i realized a part of the cause of my sadness.

i came across a time where i had written a sort of “goodbye letter” to diego and sent him it. i sent it bc i found it amusing how i wished him happiness and a better girl to fill the spot i never could and how it actually came true. time works in funny ways. and he was apologizing to me how he was really sorry for the shitty ways he treated me. and i felt kind of hurt.

but i dont hate him at all. we talked a bit more and he said he was going to live here in the summer. which is really shocking and weird. its weird because sky, diego, irene, cindy, and daniel. they all have this really exciting life. everyday they have something crazy that happens but to them its their “normal”

for me my normal is to basically live a life that feels so fucking mundane and redundant. it really is so sad? and i feel like the reason why my life is like this is because i depend on people to create some sort of excitement in my life. and also the people i choose to surround my life around. i create a mold and other people decide to decorate this mold that ive built. so what i mean is that for example my mom thinks im very dependent and she babies me. and i always thought that it was because of how short i am but really its because i allow her to do so. im shy and timid so people think im only capable of little.

i never step out of what my comfort zone is. and honestly it gets very depressing to just live a day to just live a fucking day. i want my life filled with excitement and enjoyment. i want to do crazy things. i want to go on crazy trips and live my life doing things. i want to live life on an edge. i want a feel of passion and fulfillment.

im tired of telling myself that it will happen one day, i just have to be patient. because if i do that it will never ever come true. it needs to start now. its hard to feel motivated so im stuck in between this zone where some days i just wake up and i feel so lethargic and empty inside. where i feel too tired to do anything but i need to fight harder than everyone else. im desperate for an excitement in my own life. im jealous, greedy, and i desire a life that actually feels like living.

so this is where i take my comparison and realization in other ppls lives and use it as an inspiration and motivation to create my own art!


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