chae

from my heart
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2020-01-06 05:59:57 (UTC)

i should probably be asleep right mow

1:00 am
the funny thing about when you think that somebody doesnt care about you, its probably true. ik everybody says that people do care and i do agree that people do care. but when u are craving for someone in specific to care abt u and u feel sad bc u feel like they dont, its probably true. if u feeling cared and loved by them was the case there would be no reason to feel sad and feeling as if they dont care. if that makes sense?

i know that i should never expect anybody to care about me but i cant help but want to be cared for. i cant stop thinking about the fact that maybe just maybe if i was prettier maybe then roman would like me. although i know thats not the case. cause roman seems to like girls by their personality and if theyre fun to be around or not. but in this case i fee like im not fun enough to be around (for anyone) and i feel like maybe thats why my looks have to make up for it. but i feel so ugly

its this horrendous ending cycle of wanting to be fun enough and pretty enough. i just wanna be more than enough for someone. someone that someone cant help but care for me about because they love me. im really really sad.

i feel terrible and i wish i could just never wake up sometimes. i dont want to die. i dont want to die from suicide or anything like that because im too scared. but sometimes i wish that a car would run me over and when im on the streets i want to cry because im begging inside my head that a car would really come and hit me out of no where. or sometimes when i hear about a murder i cant help but wish that happened to me. i know the case is that i probably should never wish for such thing like that to happen to me and im just selfish and stupid for not being thankful enough but its hard to stop myself from thinking about what i really want.

i dont even really know what i want in this life. i have no clue. all i know is that i wake up each day and i feel already exhausted. when i call or talk to people i have this slight hope inside of me hoping they would notice that im not ok and i just hope that maybe they could hear my sadness behind my laughter. i could never ever dare to tell someone about how sad i really am. but i just wished someone noticed.

when roman and i talked for a bit i felt better. i felt a little better because it just felt so nice to just be with him. i smiled when charly messaged me today. i could do everything like laughing and smiling but its so hard to rid of this stupid idiotic feeling inside my chest. i always feel like theres this thing tugging inside me and it feels so terrible. i want it to stop so bad. i want it to stop and the thing is the only time i feel a little bit better is if im able to forget or if i just cut myself

this is so hard. i dont know what i want to do. i just want to take a bunch of pills and shove it down my throat. not to die but just so i can fall asleep really well and so i can be really sleepy. i want to cut myself so i can feel that sense of feeling relieved. i want to breathe feeling like im actually breathing. not breathing like its something so tough to do and feeling so heavy inside.

i wish i was ok. i wish i could be ok. i wish i was prettier. i wish i wasnt me. i wish that my mom could hug me really tightly and tell me that she loved me and she could just do that for me forever until i one day felt okay again. i wish that irene and cindy would text me regularily. i wish that daniel never fucking messaged me ever. i wish i never knew daniel. i wish my sister would talk to me more and laugh more. i wish my dad still existed. if he was here right now things would be so much more different. i wish that somebody could just love me. not in that romantic type of love. but just that love where they just love you and who you are unconditionally. i wish i could love myself


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