Pleasantly Disturbed

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2020-01-02 00:58:33 (UTC)

What I Learned Last Year

I learned that it's much more stressful to think that you're alone and that no one wants to help you, than to know no one can help you. That's why I'm not mad that no one can help me. First of all, I need to be self-sufficient, as should anyone learn to be. Second of all, if I ask for help, people will usually try to help me. The knowledge of that fact is comforting, reassuring and gives me some peace and happiness. And in fact, people have helped me in small ways, here and there, for which I am very thankful. No one can really take this pain away, this grief. I knew that all along, but I also mistakenly believed that no one actually cared about me and that is, simply not true. Just because they can't possibly understand what I'm going through, doesn't mean they don't care that I'm going through it. It's the reason they can't help much. Even if they understood and had a loss of their own, they may be much more relatable, but they can't take this pain away. I'm not sure when or how this pain will fade. I know it will never completely go away, but I want to be happy again. I'll just have to patiently wait.

My positive thought for this year was that my husband can't die again. It won't happen again. It happened last year. The negative aspect, is that he won't be here at all this year. Last year, he was here the first few months.

I love and miss him so much. I've started crying all the time. I cried so damn much yesterday (New Year's Eve - I'm writing this on January 1st. I'm American, but I think this website is in England because the time it shows is always a few hours ahead. Lol. So, it's already January 2nd over there?). I didn't cry as much today, but this pain overwhelms me for a few minutes at a time, several times a day. The way I've been able to calm down and stop crying, for lapses of time, is to pray, begging God to help me. I've acknowledged my anger at God, but I've begun praying a little bit more, even saying in my prayers, "God, you know I am angry with you..." and then, proceeding to pray. God is not a human who wouldn't want to listen to me, just because I am angry at Him. He is forgiving, kind, merciful, non-judgemental. I am not excusing sin, hatred towards others, evil acts, etc. But, I think God understands when humans are angry with/at Him and still wants to help us. He still loves us. He still loves me. He doesn't actually want me to suffer. He didn't take my husband from me, Cancer did. Still don't understand why it has to exist at all... Cancer, that is... and many, many other horrible things in this world.

I'm tired of being angry. I need peace. Whether, I'm happy or sad, I can still have peace. I'll never have true happiness without inner peace. Achieving that, would be the first step towards being happy again. It's not going to take another person to make me happy. They are not my husband, anyways. To be clear, though I write of crushes, I am not dating anyone until after the year anniversary of my husband's passing, if even that soon. Doubt I'll be ready soon after that date, which is a few months away now. The point of it, though, is that, I am doing that out of respect for my husband.

Right now, I'm my source of happiness. No one else. And it sucks. My husband was a much, much better source. Lol.

I have some friends, though. I actually do. I'm not completely alone, though mostly... yeah.

I don't understand why things had to go this way. And I probably never will. And even if I stop going crazy over that question, I'm still going crazy missing the love of my life. I survived last year, but I still have... the rest of my life to go.

I can't seem to end this on a good, positive note like I want to. Today was okay. I think I am sick. Can't wait for the weekend to get some rest and chill. May do some Bible studying, as well. I've been inspired to from random sources. Well, I did recently go to church. Also, Tulsi Gabbard inspires me to be... more spiritual. She's Hindu, but I just want to have the grace and poise she has. If she is just an evil socialist underneath it all, that's a shame, but I can disagree with her political views and still admire the way she carries herself. There is also a YouTuber I just started watching called God Is Grey who reminds me that not all Christians are fundamentalist, judgemental jerks!

I wish my husband was here. I wonder what he would think of Tulsi... he was Republican, but a lot of Republicans like her. Besides, the few politicians I've liked in my life, some were Democrat, some Republican. Some were really liberal, some were really conservative. I think the one I liked that comes closest to being in the middle was John McCain. This begs the question: What did they all have in common? There was Dennis Kucinich, who I still don't know exactly why I liked him. I don't remember - it was long ago. There was Ted Cruz. He's very passionate, which I admire, even if I don't always agree with him. I know that none of it is a personality contest, but I think what I'm seeing in these people is honesty. I know, all politicians lie, but what do they lie about and how big are the lies? The ones I've mentioned, seem the most honest. Just as an example, who really cares if the President gets a blow job??? That was his personal life. I think Bill Clinton was a disgusting creep, but did it make him any worse as a President?

Wow. I need to be going to bed soon. Not sure where I went with all of this. I really don't talk much to people, so this makes up for/compensates for that!

If I'm lucky, that first episode of Mind Field will still be free. I know they won't be anymore this year, but I checked earlier today and it looked like they still were.

I'm just restless as hell, missing my husband, not wanting to go to sleep, to go to work and be around people. I was already anti-social when my husband was alive. At times, I am social, but I also was like that before.

I am much more mature, wise and responsible now because I have to be. And self-reliant, as well. I depended on my husband a lot and I hope he depended on me, as well. I don't want to be completely helpless, but it's weird to just suddenly be completely on your own, when you never have been your whole 33 years of existence. I do have friends who help me with some things here and there, though, thank God.

I am basically the same person, but if better, that is my husband's influence. We were fairly opposite, but I may be acting more like him here and there, simply because I miss him that badly.

I am the same, but wiser, but with a seriously heavy sadness weighing me down. My heart, or at least my chest, literally aches. You can die of a broken heart. I've heard of that happening. But, I am young and fairly healthy. Still, after years and years... it could eventually get me.

I love You, My Love. Pray for me, please - you are much closer to God than I am.