Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2019-12-31 04:56:07 (UTC)

Done for real this time

So, that 20 year old I mentioned in my last entry? I think I'm done with him for real this time. I honestly do think I was physically addicted to him. I actually have done some research and read about how people really can be trauma bonded to others, especially insanely abusive ones, like him. He always breaks up with me and he knows I'll beg him to stay. If I don't, he'll have sex with other girls or call my ex-best friend, who he basically cheated on me with. That shit hurts like hell every time he does it. But I think I'm done for real this time. He left me, again, and I haven't cried yet. I mean, did I make pizza rolls and drink vodka? Yes. But I haven't cried or really felt, sad. If anything, I have my definite freedom from him now. I just hope it lasts. I hope I'm not crying within the next hour because I know I'll go crawling back to him.

But unfortunately I know I still care. I know I'm adding guys to my snap chat and flirting with them because I know he'll log into my snap chat and get jealous when he sees all of it. Until the day I grow the balls to block him and completely remove him from my life, I'm still his puppet. Oh well. I'm young, right?

My relationship with my mom is as good as ever, thankfully. Sometimes I think about the time she went 70 MPH and tried to push me out of the car, or when she saw my scars and mocked me, or yelled at me when I cried, and I realize how deeply everything she did affected me and really changed me for the worse, but she really has gotten her act together. I just wish things could've been different back then. I feel like I would've been a different person and maybe not done so many bad things. But the past is the past and I can't ever change it, so why not embrace the present?

I can't say the same about my step dad. He's not my parent. Yes, he's been raising me since I was born and if anything he really is my dad but he's not my PARENT. He was always gone, he never disciplined me like a normal person. Yelling at me was the only thing he ever did so I grew to have zero respect for him. My mom was the only person whoever disciplined my brothers and I,and we all obey her now. But now, my stepdad finally gets a stable job where he has a normal schedule, and he really wants to start bossing me around? No way, back up, dude. Too late for that. If anything, I only view him as a roommate. He has no parental power over me and I honestly refuse to listen. He was never there for me as a parent or emotionally, he does not get to jump in now. My mom agrees.

I really hope I'll get my shit together soon, I'm really almost at the point of having everything in my life fall into place.




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