Subtropical Lady

January 2020 (1)

1/1/2020 Wednesday 12:47 AM

Written yesterday, last year:

I’ve got quite a bit to update on but I’m really tired now so I may not post and share this entry until next year.

Tom and I were talking about how we hate crowds and aren’t people-people for the most part. I said to him, “You’re not racist and you’re not sexist, so do you consider yourself peoplist?” I mean, there should be such a word, I would think. LOL

The only thing that’s depressing about entering the 20s is that we’re now just two decades from death since I believe we’re going in the early 40s. When I think about having only 20 years left, give or take a few, it doesn’t seem like much. But then when I compare that amount of time by thinking back to the late 90s on up until now, it really is a long time. We’ve done so much and so much has happened in that time, both good and bad.

I have a short-term and a long-term goal for the next decade. The short-term one should happen in about a year and definitely appeals to us a lot more than Alcatraz and that’s returning to Hawaii. I’m already excited about it and we’ve already discussed some things we want to do. Some things we definitely want to do again and some things we don’t. While we certainly wouldn’t mind another submarine ride, it wouldn’t be as exciting the second time around. We definitely don’t want to attend another luau. That just wasn’t very impressive. But we absolutely LOVED snorkeling! So another catamaran sail is in order for sure. We don’t want to just be on the beach we want to be on the ocean and inside of it as well. Another thing we talked about doing that we have yet to experience is a helicopter ride, even though some tourists got killed recently.

My long-term goal is to go into business at some point this decade. I just don’t want to pay the many grand it would cost for medical transcription training with no guarantees in the end. We could use that money for other things. But then I got into a discussion with a guy as we were doing some work on his site troubleshooting links, and he may hire me as a content writer for his site. I was both surprised and flattered that he feels I’m more than qualified to do it and says it bugs him that Penzu ranks higher on the search list than his site. It all comes down to keywords. They outsource their articles and links, as he showed me. He also showed me a video on those that have websites that they mostly use with the idea in mind of getting as much traffic to it and making money that way. It’s sort of like AdSense. The key is writing all kinds of articles that people would search for. Even if you’re not an expert on a particular subject, you can investigate it enough to write an article in your own words.

He reminded me to be careful sharing links on his site that my family could find, and while they would be a definite concern if I did own any kind of online business, knowing that sooner or later they’re going to try to get my attention again, I realize that I have to move on and live my life. I can’t always worry about what this one may do or what that one may do. I have to live my life for me.

We talked about how we would need to expand our vocabulary since not everybody calls it a diary. Journal, which is French for daily, is what many refer to something that they write about their day-to-day lives in regularly. Then there are some that consider regular posts of almost any kind to be a blog. Everybody has their preferred terms. Like “African-American” vs. “black.” Or “native American” vs. “American Indian.”

He really is a cool guy. As I told him, I consider myself a feisty feminist who won’t hesitate to take care of herself when need be, so I would definitely and gladly feel safe walking through a dark alley with him in tow. I know he would totally mess up anyone who fucked with me!

All I know is that I hope to hell the next decade is better than the last because the 10s were easily the worst decade of my life. I’ve had all kinds of frustrating, depressing, stressful and infuriating moments in my life, but never before did I literally believe I was going to die like I did a few months after we got to Cali, then when the economy collapsed, and then when my meds blew up my heart. The closest I came before that was with the kick-ass asthma attacks I had back east as a smoker in the early 90s, and not having any liquids as well as food for a few days as a kid, thanks to my mother taunting me about my weight even though I was hardly “fat” as a kid.

Still have more to write about but I’m definitely out of energy. I didn’t sleep all that great or as long as I usually do last time around, so I’ve been tired all night. Going to spend the last few hours of my day with Netflix and an audiobook.

Written right after the new year and new decade begins:

Well, at least I got to listen to the fireworks with only just one plane mixed in. Yeah, those things go back and forth between being horrible and quiet. A couple of mornings ago there was a hell of a lot more than just 5 or 6 an hour, especially between 5:15 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. Sometimes I feel like the 4 years we have left here is more like a jail sentence than a waiting game, especially when it is noisy because of planes, traffic, landscaping or projects.

December’s royalties were pitiful compared to November. I barely made a little over a quarter of what I made in December. Hopefully, it was just a holiday thing. No new bashings on Amazon or Goodreads. I decided to use Goodreads to keep track of what I read.

Decided to get a few different kinds of salad dressing to give my salads some variety. The Raspberry Vinaigrette is surprisingly boring. Cucumber Dill is so-so. A little too much dill as opposed to cucumber. Caesar is excellent and I’ve always liked Ranch. Italian tends to be a little salty, so I didn’t get that, and I could make my own Russian if I wanted to with mayo and ketchup.

I’m breaking the house up into sections for dusting since it’s my least favorite chore. Rather than dust larger sections in fewer days, I’ll do smaller sections over the course of more days than usual.

Had a dream Maliheh was driving us somewhere. She pulled over to the side of the road when she recognized some people she knew. They looked at us suspiciously and one of them asked if we were together. We held hands, pretending that we were, but I knew Maliheh wouldn’t do that unless she really did like me.

Ugh, no thanks. Forgiving is definitely off the table from here on out, and she’d be the last person I’d consider if I was looking anyway.

1/2/2020 Thursday 6:02 AM

I’m trying to figure out whether or not I have swollen lymph nodes. My left one seems like it might be. Taking some ibuprofen for it helped. Every now and then I swear there’s some kind of lump on the left side of my neck right where it meets the chest that I can feel if I put my head down and toward the left. Well, I read up on lymph nodes and we also have some right above the collarbone which is in that area. Since they never tell me my thyroid is enlarged, I now wonder if that’s what it could be. It seems there are a number of things that can swell the lymph nodes.

I was still getting dizzy despite having treated my good ear 4 times. Tom looked in both ears and found that my bad ear needed to be oiled and maybe hit with some alcohol and peroxide which I had him mix up and throw in that ear. At first there was nothing and then it bubbled like crazy. That one treatment alone seems to have helped a lot, too.

I’ve been having some headrushes and ringing in that ear, and at first, we wondered if I might have a cold since so many people are sick now. I still think of sneezing, coughing and congestion when it comes to colds. But other than getting some chills every now and then and feeling rundown, I don’t think I have a cold or an infection of any kind.

Despite having Alexa playing brown noise on volume 4, I can still make out the rumble of the first of today’s planes. As I’ve asked myself a million times, why aren’t I used to this shit yet?

We went to Target yesterday for the first time in quite a while. Although more expensive, it’s a lot nicer than Walmart. The store was clean, uncrowded, and come to think of it, there was no blasting music either. Just a couple of stockers in the way. Maybe we should go there more often than Walmart. Instead of going there every Sunday, maybe we can go every other Sunday or something like that. Maybe he can go to Walmart when I can’t accompany him and then we can go to Target together.

Tom finally figured out how to get MorePro’s app to track whether or not he has sleep apnea or gets low on oxygen and things like that in his sleep, but the catch is that you can only track it between midnight and 7 a.m. He usually crashes well before midnight, so he can’t always get complete info, but he’s gotten enough to tell him he’s a good sleeper. No signs of heart conditions or anything. As soon as I’m crashing at midnight, I’ll wear my own MorePro and see what it comes up with for me.

Finished watching YOU on Netflix and have picked up where I left off with the new Criminal Minds on Hulu.

I’m currently reading I Know What You Did by N.L. Hinkins and it’s a good mystery/drama.

Based on the video a friend shared with me and the things we discussed, and that Tom and I discussed, I’m going to start a little experiment. I don’t “blog.” But I sure as hell am about to start. :-) It’s going to be a Q&A site of sorts on things people may look up info on, which means I have to be as correct as possible and do my research well. I’m going to turn my old Blogger blog into a place of questions, answers and various tidbits of information that I’ll research and format in a way that will hopefully be indexed by Google and rank high on the list. Google Analytics only tells me which countries visit but that’s enough to start with. Depending on how this pans out, and I realize it may take time and I have to be patient, I may create my own website later on down the road.

Tom thinks I should focus more on what I like to do and not what money it may bring. Well, I love keeping a journal (I wrote 335 days last year), and creative writing, just like he loves coding. I also wouldn’t mind experimenting and broadening my horizons. We both watched the video together and I’m going to base my posts on that general format.

I emailed Dixie to see how her wrist is doing and to get a sense as to whether or not she may be up for company tomorrow morning.

We took care of the pigs today and the rats are on for changing tomorrow. I do the rats every 10 days and the pigs every other day. The fish is every month.

Other than cleaning the kitchen today and getting a little more exercise, I’m definitely going to get back on with proofreading and editing my story. I want to get that submitted for publication as soon as I can.

First is posting this journal entry and then tackling my blog!

1/4/2020 Saturday 9:07 AM

I guess you could say I’m quite a hypocrite today, LOL. I just got done telling a friend how much better it is to avoid processed foods. I’ve been having more fruits and veggies and less processed food. My weight has been down a bit and my blood pressure is better. But what did I do today at Rite Aid? Well, I couldn’t resist helping myself to some of the clearance items that aren’t exactly healthy. I got a mini Mrs. Fields chocolate and caramel gift basket with cookies, candy and hot chocolate. Dixie can have the mug that came with it.

I passed by her and Linda when getting the mail yesterday, but we didn’t realize it right away. I looked down the street and saw the vehicle stop in front of what I thought was either her place or Pat’s but couldn’t be sure from my vantage point. She emailed me saying she didn’t realize it was me till right after she passed me.

I’ve also been avoiding wine and gum, but got a couple of mini bottles today - Merlot and Rosé. Plus, a small bag of chips. So, not doing all that great today but at least I got a lot of healthy stuff from Sam’s. One of their roasted chickens, plus lots of fruits and veggies. Good to see the blueberries are back since I never really cared for Walmart’s.

Going to Target tomorrow and yes, I’ll be grabbing another packet of Godiva hot chocolate. I’m glad I can get singles and have one every now and then instead of a whole box. The stuff is awesome when made with milk instead of water.

I think I may be getting over a cold. Not sure exactly what my problem was but for a few days I’ve been having lots of dizziness and fatigue. I treated both ears again this morning and the dizziness seems to be subsiding. Going out always perks me up even though it’s rainy, foggy and downright dreary out there.

I should do another blog post but wanted to update this journal first because I have other things to do.

A couple of nights ago I slept shitty as if I was back in perimenopause. I dreamed that we were looking at rentals and ended up renting my childhood home. I set up the bed in one of the back bedrooms and said we would have to put an AC in the window during the summer because of the humidity.

Then I went into the master bedroom and saw there was one in one of those windows and a bed the previous people left only it wasn’t on the wall my parents had their bed but by the window where the AC was.

In another dream, I was walking down the street and passed this place where somebody I knew lived, though I’m not sure who. The door was open, so I walked in, but no one was home. I decided to lie down on the bed in their guest room and wait for the person to arrive. Unexpectedly, I fell asleep and then woke up a few hours later. I was totally exhausted.

I got up and went into the living room and realized there was a cassette playing of someone talking that I had made. I put it in the player before napping, not realizing it would start playing. I stopped it, glad the person didn’t come home to find it running, knowing how confused they would have been.

The dream ended with me trying to decide whether I should leave, try to stay awake, or lie back down again.

1/5/2020 Sunday 12:59 PM

Tipi, from the Heart for Hearts Collection was ordered yesterday and will be here on the 13th.

Started off my day yesterday with major fatigue but eventually perked up enough to go to the store and even for a walk afterward.

I’m still having some dizziness upon lying down and standing up, so there’s something going on with my inner ear. I am absolutely not going to the doctor until I’m scheduled to, so it better work itself out. Tom thinks I just have a little cold and I hope he’s right. I don’t think I have an infection. I’ve only had one infection since the 90s that I know of.

Sure enough, the two glasses of wine I had yesterday messed up my sleep, although my sleep seems to be cursed most of the time no matter what. I woke up for a while in the middle of my sleep and had a hard time getting back asleep. I was too tired to get up, though. So I kind of slept in shifts. I’m not as tired as I usually am when my sleep gets broken up, but I sure had fatigue earlier. It’s like going to Target this morning really sucked the juice out of me. I lay down for a few minutes when we got back and that seemed to re-energize me. I even did an exercise video.

When I first woke up it was after a very vivid dream about my parents being alive again. We went to a restaurant and my mother was her usual stand-offish self who didn’t participate much in the conversation.

I was telling dad that I hoped Trump wouldn’t get re-elected and he said something about a Democrat named Cooper that people were pretty sure would be elected.

Then I said I was surprised no one tried to take out Trump and he said that was because of the way they increased security after Reagan was shot. Only he gave a name that didn’t make sense in the dream.

Then on the way out of the restaurant which opened into a large gym-like room with hardwood floors, I realized I left my handbag on the table, so I ran back for it. When I first began running, however, my body never went anywhere. It’s like I was running in place. But I finally retrieved my handbag and pulled out a tube of red lipstick I would never wear. Dad then made some joke about accidentally reaching in my bag for it, getting it all over him and people laughing at him or some silly thing like that. But it made sense to me in the dream and I burst out laughing.

The dream left me wondering, though. It was just one of those dreams that gave me one of those feelings that’s hard to describe. If it does mean anything, I couldn’t begin to say what. That they still go on somehow? That Trump isn’t going to be re-elected? Was it a glimpse into another dimension? Something else?

1/6/2020 Monday 7:23 AM

Decided I just didn’t like those elastic shoelaces very much, so I took them off my running shoes and relaced them with their original laces. These are the two pairs I have right now, one in pale pink, the other in neon yellow with hot pink accents.

The morning is full of cold air and lots of planes, but hey, what else is new? As long as I feel better today, and so far, so good. I ended up having more dizziness yesterday and major fatigue for about an hour. I still have no idea what causes the random bouts of fatigue, but I still don’t feel like I have a cold either. Tom brought up the possibility of a sugar spike, but from what? I’m not diabetic and it had been a while since I had any sugar. What sugar I did have (Ghirardelli hot chocolate) was later on.

Either way, I will be going to see Dixie in a few hours. Tom will be working OT through the rest of the month, and soon he should find out more about what’s going on with the new owners. I’m really starting to think that he’ll be there until he retires. He may work part-time after we move, but I think this is going to be it for this state and that we’re pretty much not guaranteed to move until 2024. As I’ve always known and believed, nothing up there is going to be kind enough to make it that easy for us to get out of what’s been the noisiest place we’ve ever lived in. The only difference between him and I is that he’s not home or is asleep during the worst of it and he is very hard of hearing. I know most places are noisy these days, but still. There’s got to be some places left that are quieter than this that aren’t in a cold climate. I’ve got the air cleaner turned up high in the room I’m sitting in and I can still hear the rumble of jets overhead.

I may have gotten too old to lose weight (without damn near starving), but one is never too old to eat healthily, and so I made a point of having a rather large but healthy breakfast to get me going through most of the day. Okay, so the chuck steak may have been high in cholesterol, but that, including the avocado and steamed broccoli I had, wasn’t processed. I cooked it all from scratch and added nothing but zero-calorie butter spray to the veggies and a touch of salt-free Mrs. Dash to the steak dipped in a tiny dollop of A1 sauce.

For lunch, I’ll have some blueberries and OJ, and dinner will be my only processed item of a Chinese noodle and veggie bowl. I’ve got green and red grapes for snacking in between.

1/7/2020 Tuesday 9:00 AM

Just thought I would do an update while I wait to hear back from Dixie. I saw her yesterday, and today she said she needs milk and water from Walmart and needs help getting in. She asked if I would like to come along. I let her know I was available.

When I visited her yesterday, she was her usual non-stop chatty self. She’s definitely forgetful and a touch moody. Some of the things she says makes absolutely no sense at all. After using her bathroom, I complained about how long it takes to pee when you get older and her solution was to tell me to stick a finger up my vagina and that would “get it all.” LOL Sure, Dixie, whatever.

It’s still nice to visit her every now and then. I enjoy helping her in ways I can. The poor thing can’t even hook her bra which I had to do for her when I got there. Since she still has a cast on her wrist, I took out her trash, checked her mail, cut some old pant legs into rags for her, and put a pillowcase on Diane’s drool-stained pillow. All the while I was doing this, I took pictures of all the rooms except for Dixie’s bedroom and bathroom and Dixie was none the wiser as to what I was up to, LOL. I did it to show Tom so he could compare her place to ours. It’s definitely had a lot more upgrading! If we had to stay here another four years as I believe we will, but could trade houses in an instant, I would probably do it.

What frustrated me was that I couldn’t figure out a way to upload all the pictures at once to Facebook. That’s easy to do on my cheap $1 android but this $350 phone seems to have no option for that. That’s going to be a real bitch with all the pictures I plan to take on our next vacation.

Since I didn’t care for the mug that came with the hot cocoa gift package that was on clearance last week, I gave the reindeer-decorated mug to Dix and Di, and they appreciate it. I brought down a packet of minty hot chocolate, filled the mug with water after washing it, and zapped it in her microwave. I sipped on this while we chatted.

Anyway, not surprisingly, Dixie got a little upset by me suggesting she and Diane look into some kind of assisted living. I guess it’s just hard for older people to admit they really do need a helping hand and that things just aren’t the same. Trust issues are a big thing too. The two of them are really struggling big time. I honestly don’t see how they can go on as they have for much longer. Dixie can’t even get up from her chair normally. She has to put a wooden chair next to her lounger which she slides down onto her knees and then pushes herself up by placing her hands on the seat of the hard chair. If she can barely take care of herself, she can’t possibly take care of Diane properly with the way she is. I can definitely see doctors and others recommending she place Diane somewhere as they have. Linda, Diane’s babysitter, often helps out, but still. These two just shouldn’t be living on their own. I have a feeling they’re going to have to be forced out of there or something really bad is going to have to happen first. It’s sad and it reminds me that Tom and I will be old someday with absolutely no one to help us.

I did a heart attack risk predictor on two different sites and despite my shitty numbers, I have only a 3% chance of a heart attack over the next 10 years.

On my way back to our place yesterday, which is only four houses away, I could hear these creepy-sounding test sirens. I couldn’t hear them in the house, but I could hear them outside. I don’t think I’ve ever heard those before, and we’ve been here for 6.5 years. I’m not worried about Iran. As Tom said, there’s an election coming up. Besides, if they could take down a country that has way more weapons than they have, they would have already done so. Iran is easily one of the most hateful and deadliest countries, especially when it comes to the US. So they wouldn’t hesitate to wipe us out if they had the technology to do it.

Definitely not going to get cucumber mint-flavored sparkling water again. It’s just too weird. I’ll stick to my fruity flavors.

Yesterday was the second time I got a call from a number that’s been reported as a scammer, so I blocked it, curious to see if blocking actually works on this phone.

Since I decided to stop worrying about who sees what of my journal and started allowing comments, I got a private comment saying they like the writing prompts I’ve been doing and asked if they could ask me specific questions at times. I said sure. So they asked me to write about what kinds of stereotypes and generalizations bug me the most.

I’d say things about Jews being rich, and associating marriage with kids are a bit irritating. I’m from a Jewish family and I’m far from rich as are many other Jewish people. I’m married without children which has actually become more of the norm than the other way around. Many people that do have kids these days have them before tying the knot. But not everyone who gets married wants to have kids if they don’t already have them. I understand, though, that stereotypes don’t come out of nowhere as much as some of us may wish they did. Many Jewish people are wealthy and many people that got married before 20-30 years ago had kids. But… Times change. People change. Traditions change.

Dixie just messaged me to say she’s fighting with the government over the phone on something she won’t elaborate on but I’m guessing has to do with her inability to remain independent. So not going to the store and that’s OK because I really don’t feel all that great today. Mild dizziness and fatigue are back along with that strange pressure and sensation in my head where it’s almost vibrating. No idea what the hell it is.

2 PM

Molly hasn’t tweeted since December 2nd, and I still can’t believe she would simply fail to notice Aly ghosting her or ignore her when she realizes she’s being ignored. She would be curious and want an explanation. Then she may even try to reach out to me.

I’m guessing she and Aly created new Twitter accounts somewhere to keep in touch. Not sure why Aly is reluctant to acknowledge her friendship to me when she knows I won’t pressure her about it and haven’t for a while. She knows how I feel about Molly and that’s that. We won’t try to change each other’s opinion of Molly. I’ve made it clear that I accept that she has a right to pick and choose her own friends.

They might be keeping in touch on WhatsApp and Molly may have other reasons for discontinuing her tweets, but I doubt it. Whether or not they’re in touch on WhatsApp, I think they’re still connected somewhere on Twitter. Not going to bother trying to find additional accounts of theirs because I just don’t care, especially about Molly. I’m sure I’ve done and said all kinds of things to offend Aly, knowing how sensitive she is, but if she’s mentioned it anywhere, so be it. She doesn’t have to tell me what she doesn’t want to share with me.

Even though Aly could decide to check every now and then and anyone can look me up by email, as she taught me, I’m back to using Bubbly again just for something to do. I still find myself getting bored at times and wanting to sit and chat about whatever comes to mind. Since I’m not a 10-year-old who can find comfort in talking to her dolls or playing pretend, Bubbly is my go-to when I want to do a verbal version of my journal.

I still only have one blog post and have been meaning to do a second one but I’m not feeling very motivated and encouraged. The odds of making much money this way still seems unlikely. If I’m going to work so hard for so little, it may as well be with the stories I enjoy writing. That is, whenever I have the luxury of ideas coming to me. I just don’t get as many ideas these days and when I do, they just don’t excite and motivate me in the way they used to.

I realize it’s been a long time since I cried. That’s how much better my emotions have been this last year or so. That doesn’t mean I still don’t get in blah moods at times like I am now or worried about future possibilities and things like that. But if I’m remembering correctly, I haven’t cried since we lost our last round of rats just over a year ago. I think it’s a combination of age, EMDR and hitting menopause. Just like some things don’t seem new and exciting the older we get, things also don’t tend to evoke negative emotions such as anger, stress and depression with the frequency and intensity as when we’re younger.

At this very moment, I feel empty and bored and like I definitely need more variety in life. But what variety? Tom says he’ll never get bored when he retires because he has all kinds of projects he’s looking forward to doing. Well, I have all kinds of things I could do as well but they’re still along the similar lines of the same old things. My idea of a refreshing breath of fresh air to add variety that may perk me up isn’t something I can just act on at will. I can’t magically transplant myself even for just 15 minutes or so on the beaches of Maui, long enough to get some sunshine and take a dip in the ocean. I couldn’t just up and explore ancient ruins in some other country for a few hours either. I can’t go explore outer space. Hell, right now I can’t even muster up enough energy to go for a walk. I want to go out walking but just don’t have the energy even though I slept well.

It likely is low thyroid bogging me down, but until I can tolerate the medication regularly, there’s nothing I can do about it. I would still rather be tired than anxious. Dixie said she actually has more energy when she skips doses, but I can’t trust what someone half out of her mind says. LOL

3 PM

Made myself hit the treadmill for 12 minutes and then another 10 or so outdoors. The planes have been quieter today, but the landscaping frenzy is quite annoying.

I picked up the mail on the way in and now I’m going to do whatever. First, how the hell did speech-to-text come up with “farting” for “bogging???” LOL, good thing I caught that because as I’ve learned, I’m pretty much on my own to catch my own typos since no one seems to want to point them out to me.

1/8/2020 Wednesday 11:52 AM

What the hell was that all about? After my walk, I had the runs. No idea why I have that from time to time.

Won from Rat & Mouse magazine a second time. :-) I won the Ship Rats Trilogy by Rhian Waller.

Another surprisingly peaceful morning. I could definitely get used to not having to hear planes so much. I could hear a few out on my walk but that’s about it. It’s very cloudy out there and I can’t even hear the freeway. There’s definitely a connection. If I hear the freeway, I hear the planes. So I guess it just depends on the wind and weather.

It was so cold out there! It was in the mid-forties, but the winds were calm. I walked for a half-hour and started off cold. Halfway into it, I warmed up as I knew I would. When I got back to the warm house, my cheeks felt like blocks of ice.

I only heard one landscaper, but no barking or outrageously loud vehicles. It was actually pretty dead out there. Like no one wanted to be out in the cold. Sooner or later, though, I’m sure I’ll hear some landscaping from inside the house or someone doing something.

I know I said I would stop giving a shit in general about what people that find my journal may think, and while that’s very true, I’m still going to keep it more generic than personal when it comes to public entries. The world still doesn’t need to know every single thing about my life.

The number I blocked tried to call, according to my notifications. So it works, which is nice, but I would still rather not get notifications. The whole idea is to keep them out of sight and out of mind and not be aware of unwanted callers and then have to clear notifications. I wonder if they could still leave voice messages if they wanted to.

1/9/2020 Thursday 2:35 PM

I totally stand by Jillian Michaels who was actually fact-sharing and not fat-shaming when it comes to Lizzo. People continue to be way too sensitive and mistake constructive criticism for trolling. First, I’m not a Lizzo fan. I don’t listen to music as much as I used to and therefore, I’m not familiar with her music. However, I agree with Jillian when she says her music should be celebrated and not her weight. It’s one thing to be okay with being overweight and to accept it, but it’s another to be proud of it, especially if you’re hundreds of pounds overweight as Lizzo is. Lizzo owns her weight. It’s her body and she has a right to do with it as she pleases, but like it or not, there are many health risks associated with being so big, and that’s all she was pointing out. No, not all heavy people are unhealthy, and no, not all of us could become skinny for various reasons, but we can certainly take steps to prevent ourselves from becoming 100 pounds overweight hence putting ourselves at risk for diseases. We don’t celebrate our rashes. We don’t celebrate dental cavities. We don’t celebrate high blood pressure. We don’t celebrate high cholesterol. So then why do we celebrate overly enlarged fat cells? To be politically correct? Well, honest-to-God fat-shaming by calling people names and making rude and nasty comments about their appearance may be wrong, but let’s see how much she’s willing to celebrate when she gets diabetes.

Ugh! I just had the same bout of runs I had yesterday. It came on suddenly, not surprisingly, as soon as I sat down to write. Just WTF is wrong with me?! This dizziness and fatigue are getting really frustrating, especially the fatigue. It could be a brain tumor, but I seriously doubt it. It’s just that they can cause dizziness and fatigue. I don’t think it’s a tumor, however, because I usually only get dizzy when I lie down or tilt my head in a certain way. I think it’s that crystal thing that’s causing the dizziness. Unfortunately, the fatigue is likely connected to my thyroid as much as I wish it wasn’t.

It literally makes me shiver to think of my thyroid being this bad when they threw me in jail. I would have definitely gone into a coma before they finally allowed me to have my medication.

Anyway, I’m going to begin ramping up my dose in preparation for labs and hope for the best but expect the anxiety to return once it builds up. It’s just that if I wait until February 1st to take it every day, it may not be quite enough time since I’ll be going to the lab in early March. Plus, I don’t want to shock my system. I’m going to go from 3 full doses to 4 full doses next week, 5 full doses the week after that, 6 full doses the week after that, then take it every day through February and hope to hell I don’t get anxious before labs, as unlikely as that seems.

Speaking of just how much I’ve lost since hitting menopause, I didn’t realize just how much those hormones that control libido also control other things as well, though it makes sense when I think about it. Many things are more interconnected than we may first realize. In other words, my loss of libido is part of what’s causing my writer’s block. I never have crushes on people anymore no matter how good-looking they may be, and therefore I don’t have anyone I’m eager to make a story out of. Libido isn’t just about the act of sex and getting off, so I realize, but connected to attraction as well. Again, it makes sense when I think about it.

Yesterday was unusually quiet, but today we’re right back with the planes and landscaping. A few days ago, the paramedics were at Dahl’s place and a large medical equipment truck was there yesterday. I wonder if the guy had a stroke or a heart attack. Tom said he appeared to be around 70 and not very healthy.

Last night I dreamed I was in some place against my will. I don’t know if it was more like a jail or Valleyhead but I’m guessing the latter based on the appearance of my surroundings in the dream. There were these small bunk beds in my room and I thought of how I would let someone know I didn’t need them anymore and tell them I wouldn’t be around much longer if they asked if I wanted to use them as shelves. However, I knew I could be there for years even though I was determined not to be.

Then I was outdoors walking down a sidewalk with tears of hope in my eyes for some kind of ceremony. There were people at picnic tables in grassy areas on both sides of me observing me as I made my way down the walkway. Shortly before this, someone was giving me a big hug and I kept repeating something over and over again, determined to make it a mantra to live by, whatever it was.

After I walked several hundred yards, I stopped to greet this lesbian couple I was familiar with. They happily announced they would be having another child through artificial insemination and I was elated for them.

I began leaving private parts of entries in private comments on PB. If the entire entry is private, then I’ll just mark it private altogether. But sometimes I’ll only have a paragraph or two that I want to keep private. Those are the ones I’ll throw in comments. I’ll otherwise take advantage of how I can set each entry at different privacy settings, rather than have a book that’s totally private and then a book I share with friends or the public.

4 PM

Here we go with the water outages again. I just told him the other day that anytime now they would turn it off again. Yeah, I know their fucking schedule.

I created a new account on Twitter and opted out of discoverability in hopes of Aly not finding the account this way. I’m going live there. I don’t show my face but I’m trying it out and will see if I might want to do my voice blogging there instead of on Bubbly.

Began the pilot of the first season of Twisted. It seems to be geared more toward older kids like Pretty Little Liars, but it’s something I might like.

1/10/2020 Friday 2:53 PM

Today I’m having less dizziness and more energy. I can live with that. :-)

Today is the second fucking day in a row that the water has been off. I had a feeling they may do this too, because the last time around it was three or four days. So the water will probably be off when I get up tomorrow.

I went out walking for a half-hour or so. Planes, landscaping, planes, landscaping. Some parts of it were quiet, though. A couple of days ago I only heard a few planes, but yesterday I heard all kinds of shit in the sky. It’s a little better now but tonight will probably be bad. It’s easy to complain about but this is all I’ve known for so long now that I honestly can’t imagine it any other way. You really do adapt over time and I’m sure that when we move, I’ll seek out a similar situation at least subconsciously since people tend to gravitate toward what they’re familiar with. Definitely going to get off the busy street and further from small airports and commercial flight paths, though. If we ever did land a quieter place, I’m sure it would take time to adapt to that too, but by the time I did, it would probably be just as noisy as it is here. With the way helicopters have gotten so much cheaper and more things being done by air, I wonder if there will be any peaceful airspace left in another 10 to 20 years.

On my way up the main drag was an open fire hydrant. It wasn’t spraying water into the street, though. I wonder if it’s got anything to do with why the assholes have the water off today other than the fact that they’re incompetent and can’t fix things right.

He worked so damn late yesterday that he went from time and a half to double time, making nearly forty bucks in an hour.

I agree with the guy who commented on yesterday’s entry about obese people being discriminated against which needs to stop while overcompensating for it by claiming you’re proud of it isn’t the way to go. Obesity is definitely nothing to celebrate or be proud of, but are they really proud? Somehow, I have my doubts. Who the hell is proud to be tremendously overweight? You can love yourself and accept yourself without being proud of being unhealthy or at least setting yourself up to be unhealthy.

Perhaps some people truly don’t give a shit. I may not be 100 pounds overweight but I don’t give a shit that I’m fat as long as I don’t gain any more. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if most of those who are obese and claim they’re proud of it are in denial. I think those that tell themselves they’re proud of something they’re probably not the least bit proud of deep down, is just their way of dealing with it. Many people can brainwash themselves over time, and the more they tell themselves something, the more they believe it.

Maybe another reason some claim they’re proud to be so overweight is they figure that will keep them from being either fat-shamed or having the health risks pointed out to them by people like Jillian Michaels. But hey, let people put themselves at risk for heart attacks and strokes. I’m doing the same thing by not taking statins, LOL.

I wonder if I should make this my next blog topic. It’s just hard to motivate myself to get into blogging with no guarantees in the end. I don’t like this “maybe I’ll get paid” thing. I want to either do a job with payment in return or just not bother. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t help out a friend, of course, but I get a little tired of the maybes. Yeah, maybe I’ll f win the lottery too (rolls eyes sarcastically).

I had a dream that Aly was coming to visit only we weren’t in California. Instead, we were in Arizona. She was driving as opposed to flying. I looked at the clock and then at Tom and said, “Think she’s hit the Arizona border yet?”

“Yeah,” he said, and I jumped for joy and twirled around like an excited little kid. :-)

1/12/2020 Sunday 10:12 PM

Just when I thought I couldn’t hate it here anymore, it was all I could do to keep from storming down to the office and doing things best left out of print to every single incompetent idiot asshole that works here! We’ve been without water for days. Yes, not hours…DAYS! This place has gone way beyond fucking ridiculous. It was an otherwise great weekend where I felt good and some funny things happened along the way, including good things such as The Seduction of Suki being published.

It all began Friday morning just after 11. Usually, it’s off for an average of 4 hours, so I figured it would be on before I wanted to take my shower that evening and tackle the laundry. Wrong!

Then Tom got a ridiculous automated voice message saying the water would be back on Monday, October 29th. Funny too, since both last and next October 29th are on a Tuesday.

We drove to the open fire hydrant where people were filling jugs of water and we did the same. One of the guys down there said something about them draining the line and a huge pipe replacement nearby.

I was hesitant to call the office at first because of the way the park loves to retaliate against complainers. But as the hours ticked by, I was getting increasingly frustrated, and besides, it was a formal written complaint that turned out to be against a friend of Joy’s that I got spited for. This was different. Plus, they don’t know my number and I don’t have my name on my outgoing message, so they wouldn’t know who the hell I was when I called and screamed on their answering machine. Sometimes we just have to vent, you know?

I’ve been in touch on and off with Mrs. Twenties and we both agree this is just ridiculous and something needs to be done once and for all. It’s against the law for a park not to supply its residents with water. I really think we should band together and deduct from our rent. Take our space rent and divide it by how many days are in the month and deduct the amount for the days the water was off.

Yesterday afternoon, Tom and I made a bet about when the water would be back on. He thought it would be on that evening and I said Monday morning at 10:30. Sure enough, the water wasn’t back on last night, so I get all his Bing points for this month and next.

Unable to wash my hair, I threw powder in it to dry up some of the oil and feel a little bit refreshed.

So the water finally came back on at 10:30 this morning after being off for nearly 48 hours. I thought, wow, right time, wrong day. But as I told him, I doubted that was it. He said he thought they may work on it tomorrow and shut the water off then, but it was getting kind of late in the day and he was pretty sure the water would stay on until tomorrow. Wrong! Luckily for us, we had just finished our showers and got the laundry done when it went off around 5.

Thank God I filled up the tub which I’m never going to leave empty again! Plus, we filled our 6 1-gallon jugs. Maybe I’ll still be right about the 10:30 Monday morning thing.

I left some unsavory reviews under a different name on a couple of sites and pulled a few other pranks that the Twenties found hilarious. I told them how I typed “turn the water on” and had my text reader read and repeat it like a broken record in a voice message. Plus, how I left my speech-to-text running while watching a show and sent them what it came up with on their contact form using a bogus email addy.

Then Mrs. Twenties gave me an interesting link after telling me that Channel 13 was coming to do an interview with someone on Daisy yesterday. The reporter was standing just outside the back gate reporting on the issues, and some scenes were shot around the park. I could see that the problem was by the lake. They’re replacing a 20-foot break in a 33-year-old pipe. The closer you are to the main line in front, the better off you are. Well, we’re far away from the front of the park, and Daisy is even further. A couple in their late 80s were featured showing how dirty the water is. Yes, it’s f filthy when the water is first turned back on! Tom had to clean faucet screens.

The reporter said they tried to contact management, but they didn’t hear back from them. Well, that’s no surprise.

Anyway, my silly husband added water to the tank of one of the toilets and was replacing the cover when the sensor “saw” part of the plastic wrap on the toilet paper that was on top of it and flushed the damn thing. So I’m like, “Great, just great,” and he goes, “Yeah, I love you too.” LOL

Then, it turns out I left a container of Clorox wipes under the sink empty. I guess I didn’t realize it was empty when I pulled the last wipe out because the bottom of the container is filled with cleaning solution and the weight of it can make you think there are more wipes in it. But there wasn’t and my wonderful husband starts to say, “Any reason you left an empty—,” then stops when the cover flipped open and the liquid went flying onto the floor, including in part of the pigpen and on a piece of their lettuce. Oh yeah, there’s been loads of fun along the way, haha.

I’ll be sleeping till the early afternoon tomorrow, so if the water is on when I get up, I won’t know if it came on at the predicted time.

Again, it’s been an otherwise pleasant weekend. Even surprisingly peaceful. I don’t know why, but the planes have been much quieter lately. I doubt it will last long, so I’m enjoying it while it does.

We haven’t exactly eaten healthy this weekend, but we deserve a break at least once a week. Between his base pay and OT, he’s going to be pulling in about 6k this month. I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of Tammy knowing that and knowing how pissed she’d be, LOL. And downright jealous, too.

We went to KFC yesterday and today we got some junk at Rite Aid. I also got a statue of an angel that was on sale.

We even had fun planning and getting ideas for our next vacation in Hawaii. This will probably be way in the future but someday we want to go on a small cruise as well. They have these yachts with only a little over 100 passengers as opposed to the 4k that was on the cruise we went on that turned out to be a disaster, and some of them are pretty affordable. We won’t do this until we’re settled in Florida, which is years away, unfortunately.

The Tipi doll will be here tomorrow.

The respiration count said he breathes an average of 11 times a minute in his sleep while it’s 18 for me.

1/13/2020 Monday 10:35 PM

The water came back on in the late afternoon. Now the question is whether or not the next shut-off is in a matter of hours or a matter of days. Really getting sick of this shit. It’s beyond ridiculous!

As I told him, I really think we should consider getting a one-bedroom apartment until we can get out of the state, since that’s all we can afford here, and even that would be a little more expensive than this. We only got in here in the first place due to my inheritance and the economy being so shitty. Right now, there’s no way we could get another house, manufactured or not. I know we have a lot of shit and I would hate to be crammed into a one-bedroom, and I definitely don’t miss waking up having to pee to find him in the shower, but at least we would have water all the time. Also, this place is noisy so much of the time that the noise there would seem like nothing. If they only do landscaping the usual once a week and the place isn’t on a busy street or in a flight path, it may actually be quieter.

Okay, so that may be stretching it a bit. Apartments usually do have their fair share of noise, even if some may start off quiet. The biggest thing is all the banging…Doors, cabinets, footsteps, and movement in general. It would be our shit luck to get next to someone with a loud, bass-filled stereo or TV, and a bunch of brats running overhead with parents who don’t give a shit.

I looked at random house rentals in Florida and found a few I wished I could magically transport myself to. It wasn’t that there was anything special about the houses themselves, but I love how far back they were from the street and how they had so much more privacy and space around them, yet you didn’t have to drive an hour to the middle of nowhere to get to them. I’m hoping that rather than jumping into a house and possibly finding my asthma and allergies can’t handle that climate as I was surprised to find that cats trigger my asthma, and then be stuck there for years, we can rent a place for 6 months or so before we jump into anything permanent. It’s always good to test drive the car before you buy it if you have that option.

I spoke to Dixie by phone earlier and she said she talked to Killjoy, as is my new name for her, and Dixie asked her why she uses Roto-Rooter when they’ve got horrible reviews. Killjoy said that’s who they’ve been using for the last 18 years, and Dixie said, “Well, maybe that’s the problem.”

ROTFL! Yeah, maybe.

I was delighted that Suki already got borrowed in Germany and has already made it onto Goodreads. Hopefully not so it can be bashed and trashed.

My Tipi doll came today and is very nice. So did the 7 fashions I got for the 14” vinyl dolls that she and Elula can wear.

I also got a dozen toe rings in silver, gold and rose gold. They don’t stay shiny for long because they’re cheap junk but putting soap on a toothbrush and scrubbing them every now and then helps shine them back up. Plus, we have a jewelry cleaner.

“Camille Cole” has deactivated on Twitter. I was going to do voice blogging there without showing my face but just couldn’t get into it. I’ll use Bubbly when I want to talk-blog, even though Aly may hear it.

I also deactivated my main Twitter account which I was connected to Kim and Aly since they rarely tweet. Let’s see how long it takes Aly to notice. When she announced on the first that she was going to check in more and interact with people more, I knew she wouldn’t. She’s just not into Twitter, and if she is, it’s not on this account.

1/14/2020 Tuesday 10:00 PM

The water was off from midnight to 4 p.m. and now they say it should be back on for good. Yeah, right.

Mrs. Twenties alerted me to another more detailed interview by another TV channel, and there was even a quick clip on Twitter. It took them FIVE fucking days to set up porta-pissers behind the clubhouse!

I was LMAO when Mrs. Twenties told me that some people were taking water out of the pool for their toilets. Brilliant! That would certainly make filling the smaller jugs easier and quicker.

Ellen is the woman who moved into the yellow house on the corner where the annoying contractor used to live, and according to Carolyn, she doesn’t always provide correct information. She says the woman is really nice but acts like a know-it-all. We’ve never met, as I told her.

Whatever happened to Tom and Nanette, the people that were supposed to take over for Killjoy? And who the hell is Doug? Apparently, according to the interview we saw, he’s the actual park manager. I guess Killjoy is just the office manager.

We took our showers this evening and washed the pigs’ liner because we don’t doubt that the water will be turned off again at midnight.

Had to separate the pigs for fighting. They’ve been getting into it more and more lately. Tom looked up a video on guinea pigs fighting and wow! They can really get into it like rats and mice, although I’ve never had any that fought as badly as what I saw in the video. That doesn’t mean these two aren’t capable of getting there, so I decided to put Blitz under the rats. The rats have plenty of space on the upper level, and Blitz should be fine if it’s just him. If that proves to be too small, I’ll move him to the other cage.

Totally regret getting the pigs. But while we do have them, it’s nice to hear their chatter and it should be easier to pick up Blitz in a smaller cage for occasional cuddles where he doesn’t have as much room to run. Slaving over such high-maintenance pets really gets old, though. They’re so much work and money and of course, I don’t appreciate the smell either.

I doubt we’ll do this, but Tom and I talked about busting out of here in an RV in which case only Fuzzy would come with us. Everyone else would have to be re-homed.

Either way, we’re going to have to think about it more. We both agree that an apartment wouldn’t be any quieter so if we’re going to be cramped in a smaller space with all the shit we’ve got, we may as well throw it in storage and head out in an RV. The only problem with the RV is that storing our stuff would be harder because we wouldn’t have a set place to store it in. But what is appealing about an RV is that we could take off without any set destination in mind and get a chance to explore various places first. The only problem with doing this is that if we sink our sale money into an RV, we may never again get the chance to own. There are actually benefits to renting a place if we could keep the damn landlord out of the picture. When the landlord lives on-site is when they can be a pest like Jesse could. But if we rent, it would be easier to move if we wanted to and the major expenses would be on the landlord. But we wouldn’t be able to customize it to our liking or control when non-emergency repairs and upgrades took place. That means if something was done when I was sleeping, we wouldn’t have much control over it. I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do yet. I just know I don’t want to be stuck here for another four years!

The new company owners have cut out the overtime which is both good and not.

We got a new glucose home testing kit and when I woke up and before I had eaten, I was disappointed to find myself at 104. Tom insists there’s nothing to worry about because this is typical in older people. He reminded me that he was the same at my age and has been holding steady ever since and hasn’t continued to climb yet he’s got three times more weight to lose than I do. And yes, diabetes runs in our families.

I know losing weight would help my glucose, blood pressure and cholesterol and pretty much everything, but I hate being hungry. Unless something’s wrong with you, you can’t lose weight without being hungry, and the older you are, the less you can eat which means even more hunger. Plus, the weight would only come right back. So unless it’s dire, I prefer to keep the extra weight and eat when I’m hungry. Avoiding sugar too, of course, most of the time.

I was thinking of getting a cheap set of watercolor paints and seeing if it might be easier to paint figurines with that instead of acrylics. That way, if I fuck up, I can wipe it off if I dilute the paints so the colors aren’t as bold as acrylics and oils. I might even grab a watercolor pad because according to some videos I saw, they’re pretty versatile and you can do some really neat effects with them. I like how I could control the consistency of the watercolors.

I woke up a million times during my sleep, and one time it was from a dream about having evidence that a neighbor raped another neighbor twice. I didn’t live in the park in the dream and I don’t know who the people were. They were a lot younger. I was racking my brain trying to decide whether or not I should take the evidence to the police. I wanted the guy put away but I was afraid of retaliation if the guy suspected I was the one that turned him in.

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