The dead dreamer

Life of a dead girl in a dream
2019-12-23 12:15:48 (UTC)

Power of Ignorance

This year went by really fast. I feel old. People around me keep saying this is the worst year they had but i feel different.I kept myself so busy that i never had time to notice most of the bad things this year. Made some major achievements in my career goals ,focused mostly on me and me only. People who said i could never get in that Institute or never get Gold medal on national level etc, i proved them all wrong. Feels good, not just because i proved them wrong but because i proved myself right. I knew if i tried i could do it.
I am still depressed. I dont think depression would leave me anytime soon.it has become kind of my frenemy. It changed me totally. Made me look at life in a totally different light. I started searching more,reading more,listening more and learned the art of Ignoring more. I have these existential crisis from time to time,sometimes cry for no apparent reason but then i would immerse myself in somethings like anime or mangas /webtoons or kpop to just forget for a moment that i am me. I listen to wide range of music from Evanescence,Disturbed, potf to Ludovico einaudi, Olafur Arnalds to Stray kids(kpop).
I got over my broken heart but have serious trust issues. Can't help it,humans cannot be trusted afterall. I love cats. Have a cat whose been with me for 10 years now. I am worried about her because she is old now. I know cats live for 13-15 years. so I have another pet too (if you can call it a pet )- a tree. I think we can call it a pet, its living . I talk to both of them often. Glad i dont have to worry about my tree since it most probably would outlive me for another 1000 yrs or so and i wont have to see it die.
I have become really cold. People call me cold hearted and selfish. I know i am selfish, feels satisfying. But i realized that i dont feel sorry or empathy for people anymore. when i would hear someone crying out their problems or someone close to them died ,even though i try i cant feel bad for them. But if its related to animals or trees i would cry! I dont talk to people often. Dont feel like talking or listening to them. I just observe them silently. I feel if you just sit back and observe people,their body language ,the way they speak, to whom all they interact and difference in their way of interactions per person ,you can understand that person much more than you would by talking to them. I dont know why i am like this? Maybe the incidents from my past made me like this.

One more thing that i find interesting is how people change when they see you don't give a shit about them anymore. when you cared they treated you like shit but when they see you stopped caring ,they want you to care. Some bitchy friends from my past ,especially my ex. I unblocked him since i got over him. now he messages me,tries to talk to me ,sends me following requests etc, almost as if telling me to notice him. I haven't read a single msg from him or paid any attention.
I thought about it, why am i behaving like this? Is it some kind of revenge mentality?
I realized it is simply because i really don't care anymore.
I guess i have truly mastered the art of ignoring people?...