Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-12-19 04:27:33 (UTC)

help

yesterday's internalized outrage is humbled by today's hurt. With today's perspective, I can see how having terrible roommates is a welcome relief to put a name to my own internalized pain. It's hard to manage, and it feels like it oozes out of me from everywhere, but my bad mood is unfortunately always unrelated to their actions. It doesn't make them any less terrible, but it does make it a lot harder to raise myself to the higher road they have to evoke in me if I have class. that sounds pretentious.

I just need to lay in bed and feel everything. but it hurts so bad. and it sounds irrational and unproductive to even do. I need a plan. or something sturdy to hold onto.

I just hurt I don't know where to start or how long it will take to explain, when I write this out in my head it comes out like a waterfall of words and feelings and I barely have the patience to slow down to type. But I'll try, as if this were counseling that would save me. although that idea feels like a bitter memory too.
I digress
but everything is bitter.

I spent all day today watching tv. It was an impulse thing, as most things are- they start on a whim and turn into a grave thing of self-destruction and soothing I can't peel away from. I suppose I lack compassion. I'm missing a few sentences in there.

I don't know- I'm losing patience for me already. I'm such a mess. this is all so heavy. I'm whining.

I'm scared alittle for work tomorrow, since I'll probably be working with Michelle and Dominae. It's stupid to be scared since I've found a bit of sturdy internal strength the other day, although I doubt it'll last. I'm so unreliable. It's not okay.

Watching tv today reminded me of the time before I'd tried to get my life together in 2016, when I could watch time slipping away with my life getting nowhere outside of the trapped mental space I'd stayed in since I could remember. I'm starting to feel that way again, I suppose, with me recognizing my own desire to live for the present again. I may not yet be 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' although that phrase doesn't exactly apply, but I am restless in this hiding behind my own lack of self-accountability.

///

now for some organized thinking. I had put some thought into my own habits at work as of late- using the roommates as a complaint conversation topic. I'm realizing how that always seems to bring the attention toward me, which feels good given I crave attention and care and fixing. I recognize ever since our old hosts are no longer working, I feel less stable. Those were my work friends, and I'm nervous around people who seem to be more acute about their social preferences and are better at keeping their egos from running the show. (that felt embarrassing to call me out on, and also off-color) (now I'm feeling like this is raw and uncouth) (very) (like counseling feels)

Anyways, I'm seeing how I've struggled to redefine myself since those friends have left at work, and using easy conversation topics is sort of a crutch I've clung to now that I've found it. I suppose I could've taken the opportunity to turn inward and nourish me by continuing the good rapport I had going with the hosts and bringing it to the table with the other coworkers, but somehow, I struggle to keep my easy charm when I'm around people who remind me of my insecurities, and the things I lack (by showcasing their own relative strength of character).

I'm a loser. I'll just say it. I dance around it. I refuse to label me. But this is basically how I've described myself.

I don't know how to write with compassion about me. All I can think of are all the ways one might interpret this and instead I take the worst perspective of me and run with it. Probably because I see myself this way, sort of, and I'm having trouble letting go of that perspective.

I had a thought while driving today on forgiveness. A worthy topic, given my new laurel tattoo. But also, just a worthy topic.
But mostly the thought was on my thinking. Because sometimes I just go through tasks, and thereby, my days, drudging along, and doing something in a bad attitude, not because I want to have that attitude, but because I dread the prospect of doing that particuar something with the person I am. I mean, there's nuances in the feeling that causes the bad attitude, but it usually has to deal with lack of mental preparation, and that I have no patience or supreme commitment to my own life to actually do something as well as I would like to to make myself proud. And that lack of commitment is built on past lacks of commitment that make it hard to answer to the call to do something well with good taste based on the underdeveloped person I am today.

In this moment I had earlier today, I sort of felt that, and I was like, yah, I get it, but also, what if I could just enjoy living anyway? Like, yah, I am a steaming shitball of imperfection and falling-short and unreliable behavior, but I am also human, luckily, so forgiveness?

okay so the thought didn't really go like that, it was more of an enlightened reflection of some platitude I feel I've picked up from David Ramsay. As annoying as I find his conservative, starkly privileged-christian viewpoint I also find it very firm and annoyingly graceful and just the sort of voice I feel I need to be guiding me out of my own misery. I still hate it though, on principle there's something deeply wrong with his perspective (probably because I am at heart, liberal and new-age) but i recognize the merit is something I lack, and that's embarrassing.

I'm struggling to change. but I want to.
I want to let go of the voice inside me that self-flagellates every time I try to do something good and right by myself. When preparing for the future me to be better off than she is today, well, it almost hurts and sometimes gets me dizzy to stay focused on the choice to not give in to giving up or hating myself.
I wonder how to deal with the strength of building up oneself, and whether I'll still let my lack of boundaries and compassion for others who don't have that strength to bring me down. When you raise up your own standards high you see where everyone else is down in the dumps and it can make it harder to justify your own grace.

I'm thinking now of Lisa, and the life she's made for herself. Would she find that stability if she'd grown up in my place. I'm jealous of her, and I wonder now whether I'm envious too. I wonder if I'm sick with envy, and if that creates my own rift between where she stands and where I am.

I'm glad for that piece of wisdom from David ramsay- that our society is sick with envy. Envy, of course, being the bitterness one holds toward success being that one doesn't believe they can have it themselves.
I suppose I do have that. Really. It's not a great thing, because it prevents success to come to you.

And I understand me speaking in vague terms about what I mean by success makes it sound like I'm stealing someone else's words, but I really just mean for the sake of brevity to string ideas together. What I want for myself is a healthy social circle, and a healthy relationship with my own time and goals. I want to have an integrity that lines my own posture with strength, and I want to have the bright, persistent eyes of someone who has enough faith to keep trying at life. I want to know how to be firm in my heart as well as soft with my mind and be able to take chances and make choices that feel right by me.

I want to not be lonely, and I want to feel free again, to be myself.
maybe that's an image too bright for this lifetime. Maybe I should just focus on the steadfast, sturdy things that prop up a person, so that I don't keep falling down.
I suppose it's too much to want this all to be easier for me. I guess it's too much to expect myself to enjoy every part of the journey.
///

Tonight being around my family and brother has given me insight into how maybe my relationship with my brother could undergo changing. I understand he is not fully self-accountable for his behaviors or life either, and that he's probably taken on life with the same or similar perspective of vague entitlement as me. I know how his brain works.
And I've always looked up to my brother for guidance and strength, and it's just been right for me.

Tonight I wondered just how much my brother looks to me, because, I mean, I've wondered this before. But when everything I say comes out funny around my brother, I start to wonder what he sees in me. I can feel it sometimes. I feel a sort of sacrifice I've made in my life to keep my brother under my watchful eye, and sometimes I feel like he really appreciates that. I can feel that deep sibling love.
It sounds silly, but sometimes I think I really could've chased a larger social life in my early teens if I hadn't cared so much about my brother and family. It was a moment in time where I made a choice of fate to undertake the same worries that plagued my brother in some way. And it felt scary or very unconscious and yet binding.
at the time

and now, I wonder how I can take a step back from that. Because he still needs to grow. I'm happy with our sibling relationship, but I'm not happy with his 'contentment,' and I'm afraid my own mild judgmental frustration will come out as resentment for the life he makes for himself in time. With Bailey becoming more and more a member of the family, I really wonder, how does she challenge him to grow? Because he really doesn't. And she's probably saved him in a lot of ways, but he

god I'm doing it again. I'm obsessing over my brother.
I mean to say in all this, I want to let go of my brother. I'm realizing this because I still feel bound to the same constraints on what I choose to recognize in my life consciously and not, and it really limits my own relationships in their range of color. To see that he hasn't really introduced many new shades of relationship in his life either (or he's hid them from me) feel equally concerning.

I want to step away from that limited definition of who I am and how it's tied to who he is.

ugh.
I don't know how many more ways I can live out this same curse of being me.

//

so I'm aware of the proper rhetoric to write down my own desire to break free from this into cathartic growth or whatnot but it's tiring and tedious and I'd rather go to bed than recognize again the trauma that I found to be bonding and how that bonding was a welcome part of coping with that and that way of coping is no longer necessary so I can welcome and exchange those old ways of coping for new ones.

there. okay?




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