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2019-12-18 23:30:19 (UTC)

A year in review

A year in review. I started off this year alone and at home. I didn’t do anything in particular. I stayed home and that’s how I rang in the new year. I don’t see this year being very different except that I’ll be working most likely. At least I’ll feel useful? I was at that time also worried over someone I had cared deeply for when I was younger, growing up. I should have known that’s how the year would go for me. There have been a LOT of ups and downs this last year and I’m sitting here thinking of all of them. I have been for the last few days. The biggest thing is that my Squidge should be spending Christmas with us. Sadly, he’ll be doing it in spirit. That’s going to be a big hurt to get through as the holiday looms. While I was afraid that I would lose one more person in my life, I was getting ready to welcome one of the best people in my life. My Squidge. I couldn’t say who of us was more excited. I think I was. I had such hope when the year started.

January was laced with venom because of the narcissist that had been a large part of my life. I guess my biggest disappointment about that was that I had spent years defending him against so many people. In the end though he made a liar out of me and well proved all of them right. I learned to stop looking for the good in people. It will serve nothing more than to hurt me again and again. It also taught me that no matter how much some people say they change, they never really do. A lesson I was going to learn multiple times this year. They say that how you start the year sets the tone for what’s to come. I’m starting to think there’s some truth to that.

February brought some highs. Papa came to visit. Ren Fest with my Brother. I don’t consider my birthday much because it’s historically been ruined (except once and that one is still the bar for the rest). There was the excitement for my Squidge coming. There was so much going right for a change. I was out of the hole and finally starting to get ahead a little. I was even starting to look forward to things. I eliminated the Narcissist fully at this time. Wished him well and went my own way.

March came quickly and it was once more ups and downs. Someone came into my life from the past only to push somewhere I didn’t want to go. It ended as quickly as it had begun. Then his crazy really showed and I was glad that I dodged that bullet. I was making plans for the future, one I thought would be amazing and finally reaching all that I had wanted. Then a phone call would upend my world. I drove to Georgia elated and excited to greet my Squidge when he came to us. I’m not going to lie, I even cried a few times in the car. The greatest joy I had known was holding him in my arms and seeing my daughter and son in law. I knew watching both of them that Squidge would be something special. I knew they would do so much better than my stupid, young ass did.

April brought some storms in my life. At the same time, I was planning some great things (now I don’t plan anything anymore) there would come the storms. I wished my son well, but I would no longer be his lightning rod of hate. I was done letting him blame me for everything that went wrong in his life. I was done funding every little thing in his life. I was done with the cycle of my father before me, my grandfather before him. No more would I throw money at his problems and hope that they went away. I had other things in my life, and I reminded people that it’s my life. Just like him, I had my own choices to make in life. During that time, I would be proposed to only to learn later that it wasn’t anything at all. Just some words. That will come later. At the time I was elated and trying to change my life a bit more.

May brought what I thought was the start to the rest of my life. I was sold dreams but was slowly finding I had bought more nightmares for myself. I was trying to put things in my life into place and eventually some things would have to once more wait. I was being drained of my emotions, my money, and I felt myself sliding into the dark place I find myself in at times. June would be more of May, but I was starting to wake up. I was also finding myself growing closer to the Knight each time I went to Tampa. More and more when I needed to get things out of my head I headed to Tampa and spent time there.

July would see the beginning of the end for the Prodigal in my world. It would show me that my complex was not the place for me, and my time here had come and gone. I was being drained of money. A few times I thought that I would lose my apartment. I just couldn’t keep up with the demands from the person that claimed to love me. Glimmers of the Narcissist would come to the surface and I knew that it was going to end soon.

August would see that come about. I will not tolerate someone looking me in the eye and calling my daughter a liar. I will not tolerate being told my abuse in the past was my own fault. OH, HELL NO! I threw him out and cut him off. He had drained my money. He had drained me. He was lying to folks about me. He had to go. I didn’t care anymore. I had put my foot down. I hear he still blames me for his woes. Nope. Sorry bub. You did that to yourself.

September would be a harsh month. The Knight would have tragedy and peace both enter his life at the same time, and I want to be there the entire way for him. In the midst of that is when we lost Squidge. His life ended far too soon, but he brought the family together. He was truly special and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. That I have to stop myself from bursting out into tears from little things. He will always be a part of me.

October brought more closeness with the Knight and I don’t know what to call it. It plays out like a relationship but at the same time it doesn’t. If you were to hold a gun to my head now and tell me to define it, I’d say shoot. I can’t honestly say. If I were to call a spade a spade it has all the elements of an adult relationship that should lead somewhere. At the same time, it doesn’t. It’s hard to explain now. What makes it worse is he doesn’t even talk to me about it. I just know that my happy place to go to in my head is the night in his bed. Just sitting there while he played on his phone while I was reading and idly playing with his hair and back. That’s the most content that I’ve been in a really long time. All I know was sitting there like that felt right. Like it’s how things should be.

Granted that’s more recent then October. November found me staying with him again. Meeting more of his friends. Having dinner up here and doing nothing but talking. Since things have been growing and one thing is certain, he is the one for me. He is the one that I want to share my life with no matter how long I have left. We’ve talked about in a year getting a house and whether we do or don’t, it’s nice to think on. It’s nice to talk about. I may not like planning things anymore because they never seem to work for me, but honestly, it’s a nice dream to have. It’s nice to have those again. I’m not holding my breath, but I can’t lie and say that I wouldn’t like to see it happen. So now I’m holding my breath and just trying to get through the holidays. There’s no telling what next year brings. The Brother is back living with me again and moving is on the horizon. Even ghosts have turned up once more. Surprisingly enough. I wasn’t even mad, sad, or even happy. Honestly that part of my life I’m still numb to. They couldn’t help rubbing some salt in an old wound. If it made them feel better, but honestly while the scar has healed there will always be a familiar ache with it. These days I just don’t have the patience to be angry anymore. I’m still pretty numb to many things actually. I wonder what could happen if I lose the ability to feel anymore. I think it’s something that could still happen. I’ve grown tired of being taken advantage of. I’ve grown tired of people using me. I think in the coming year it’s getting to be time to just not bother any longer. A little numb never hurt anyone. Excluding those that are close to me. I can’t say that is bad way to start the new year. What is it they say about reacting? No one ever sees the provocation, just your reaction to it. And that’s what they judge you on. So, what happens when you become indifferent to everything? Stop reacting? It’s possible that this might be my last journal post. Especially there are still those people that still believe that expressing my feelings or speaking my mind is negative, toxic, and dramatic. Attention seeking at it’s best. Then why are you reading it…