Life isn’t a Dream, It’s real Shit
2019-12-17 18:16:15 (UTC)

Losing My Best Friend

My saddest memory would have to be when my father was diagnosed with stage 4B lung cancer. It was like someone just reached inside of my chest with all force and snatched my heart out and stomped it into the ground. Adrenalin at an all time high, shaking from the inside out. There are not enough words in this world for me to describe the feeling that I felt in that moment. That man was and still is my EVERYTHING. He was my best friend, no matter what he was always there for me. My mother has always been so judgmental that you can not talk to her about anything. I could always call him, or talk to him about things in life and he completely understood what I was going through. He would hear me out and give me options, unlike my mother TELLING me what I need to do! My dad gave it a long hard fight, the cancer was so aggressive that it had advanced to stage 4 in just a few short months. He lasted just over a year with his battle after being diagnosed. After that, it spread to his liver and he had spots come up on his final scan. We lived 3 hours apart, so i didn't make it to his appointments, but my grandmother always took him and that was their bonding time. They rebuilt their relationship and bond once my father was diagnosed. She took him to every treatment and every doctor appointment. One day, dad messaged me and told me that he needed to talk to me and I called him right then. He said the cancer had gotten worse and he needed to go see his doctor the next day and wanted me to join him...He felt that it was the end. I packed a bag and left the next morning to go be with him. He was at my grandmothers. He wouldn't go home. He didn't want to go home. His wife was a complete drunk, pill popping alcoholic unfortunately. I hated that shit for him. He didn't even want her knowing what was going on. He wouldn't tell her anything. The next day we loaded up to go to the doctor, my grandmother as well....I was very unsettling waiting to see the doctor. He had lost so much weight, but also had fluid retention in his legs and feet, he had turned yellow from the Jaundice from his organs shutting down on him. Finally, the doctor took us back, he explained to us that the cancer was growing at such a rapid rate that they had done everything that they could to treat him. His last option was a treatment they called "Opdivo" did not work! The goal of this medicine is to boost the immune system while fighting and attacking cancer cells, it didn't work! It attacked his organs instead causing them to shut down. He was so sick. It is pure hell to watch someone you love die. When they told us the news my dad was in shock...he cried...we all cried and the look on his face was awful. I mean really, what can you expect when you give someone a death sentence and only a few weeks to live? They sent him home on Hospice, I took him home and got him settled. Hospice showed up that day, but he told the, he did not want any nurses and that his daughter would do it all for him. And he was right...I DID! He knew I was the one he could count on, not his wife, not my step brother, not anyone, but me. And I was OK with that. I wanted it to be me. Although the nurses had told me that at some point it would be too much for me to handle....And they were right, but not until right there at the end. When the cancer actually made it to his brain, 3 weeks later after hospice came in. My father made me promise him that I would not watch him die. He did not want me to see him dead. He made me promise that when the time come that I would take my things and go be with my husband and children. That day finally came, the day after Father's Day :( He woke that morning and I went to check on him. He didn't know who I was, he kept calling for me with me standing right there in front of him. He thought I was a nurse. I tried to talk to him, I tried to calm him down, he was VERY agitated. He pushed me away, slapped me and told me to leave him the fuck alone!! OMG YA'LL! Talk about HURT??? I called Hospice right then to get someone to the house. They showed up a few minutes later, we gave him some of his medicine they leave with you to make them comfortable. I think it was Ativan and Morphine. We finally got him comfortable in bed. The nurse told him wife that she best keep him sedated because if he come to he could seriously hurt her or even kill her because at this point they are not even aware of anything they are doing once the cancer takes over. Once he was settled, I packed my bags and my husband drove me home to be with our kids. I was the following night that my Step Brother called to say he had passed. I miss him so much to this day. He passed away 6/22/16 and let me tell you that the pain never goes away. It never gets better, you just have to learn to live without them. How do you Live 32 years with someone in your life and it not change you? A big thank you to my husband for being by my side and holding me up and being strong through all of this. I don't know what I would ever do without him. He is truly my strength, my rock and the glue! Also, I would like to add that this is my VERY first entry.