Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-12-17 05:09:13 (UTC)

It's late in the evening, ..

It's late in the evening, although I'd been planning to stay up later, I realize I feel at peace with my self destructive tendencies for the night; I'd like to stick to my nightly routine and sleep.

I've got the house alone, and I feel good for it. I've got a fair bit of chores to tend to on my own plate. I've been avoiding the grown up responsibilities I've got to tend to- it seems to make no difference in my day to day life whether they're done. But when I'm on top of my to-do's it frees up time to dream about big picture things. It keeps my head clear to know my priorities are in line because my to-do's are complete.

Tonight I've been listening to Dave Ramsay and looking at houses. Or rather, trailer homes. I can afford one of those practically already, which is astounding to me, and exciting. I want to save up to own a home after I graduate- since my parents are paying for my school I feel I can do this for me. I'm trying to get my head straight enough to outline this goal for me and find a game plan. Although I haven't been sure where to begin- much like that childlike overwhelming feeling I get so often in the face of adult-things, Dave Ramsay pointed out a place to start, with a free money budgeting tool.

I suppose in 2020 I can start by reading some Dave Ramsay books- or rather, financial books, just to figure out what I'm doing with my own money, and how I might go about investing it for myself.

In the same line of straightening out my life, I'd like to straighten out some personal things. Although I am far from it, I know that I could potentially get in touch with the version of me that makes sense to be. I would like to amend how I really feel about my family, my brother, and make sure those relationships fill the right place in my life so that I can move forward with me.
And by move forward with me, I mean learn how to answer to my own dreams for myself rather than others' dreams for me.
Or
a dream, rather than a self-punishment.

I want to feel alittle more realized about who I am in 2020, since 2019 I'm all anxiety and shaky hands when it comes to being firm in my needs and wants. That's not to say I haven't made any hard steady choices in my own good will. I have, and I'm stronger for it. But I haven't danced with living like I'd like.
And I feel I've possibly written off the vulnerability it seems to take to get there.
I'm guilty of being sick and tired of myself but not sick and tired of being sick and tired enough to change. (Dave Ramsay's words)

I'm learning more just by living, though, and without the expectation to be anybody other than myself I feel I'm giving myself a gift of time to just become something. (rather than forcing myself to be something)

I might drop out.
These thoughts are falling out like raindrops, I don't know what makes more sense really. Is it fine to just be living and learn as you go, or should you always be striving?
I'm really coming to enjoy that I might not have to be something more than I am, but I want to get rid of the guilt tied to who I am already. And I guess, there's a beauty in differentiating that again.

I'm almost no longer living to escape who I am. I say almost, because I still do things to put distance between who I am and reach for who I'd like to be. But there's no escaping who I am to get to who I'd like to be. It's making peace with who I am by learning to manage me, and that's how I become who I'd like to be.

I think this is a disease of perfectionism that's befallen me throughout my high school and early college years. Sometimes, being myself felt unbearable. It was only fitting I tried to escape by overcompensating in perceived areas where I fell short.

I still -

excuse me, this has become an incoherent ramble of thoughts. I must learn to discipline me into following through with things. 'must'
I'm not sure who's voice I'm taking on at the moment but she sounds pretentious.
exhaustion is becoming me.

///

There's a lot I've got to be grateful for that I've learned in 2019. Through most of the year I was just existing, and although it was tiring to maintain a facade of indifference toward growth, especially when guilt wanted to propel me forward halfheartedly, I think I learned how to take care of me in a healthy way for the first time in a long time. I felt mentally stable. It was sort of shockingly undramatic. it was nourishing in it's own.
I want my life to be like that, though. Boring by nature, but fascinating by subjective attention.

I really would like to embrace my inner 30 year old. Because I love sustainability in emotions and principles.

But in 2019 I've still got a lot to build from. I'm trying hard not to abandon those themes of self-nourishment. It's hard not to get caught in the cycle of self-destructive toxic care for academia over personal health. I've never had much of a good relationship with prioritizing work over play, the two are intermingled in my eyes but I am conditioned to only know how to do 1 at a time. It makes for a conundrum.
Once again my mind has begun to overwhelm me instead of help me to address this problem.

I'm grateful in 2019 I've come to know my own dismissive avoidant tendencies and their systemic effect they have over my life. Before I go into how I'd like to overcome that though, I'd like to go into the root somehow. Family. Upbringing. How do you make peace with that- or do you?

Because learning more about this way I tick now maybe could just be enough to set me free.
Who knows? I could try. Life doesn't have to be so damning to shame you for who you've been. You can set yourself free from your own limitations if you need.
But I can't run from myself. And lately, I don't want to.

That's not to say there aren't things about me I don't want to run from. I suppose those things are comfortably far away from me today so that it's not so much a concern. I know in the coming year these things will oscillate for me, occasionally putting me in a postion of clarity about what it is I have wanted to run from in the past or all my life. I can choose to lean in at those points. I sure hope I do. but until then all I can do is prepare myself. I can continue to run through my own internalized monolgues until I find a snag that's worth re-working. I can put my worries to sleep, and I can prioritize my day so that I feel productive and graceful towards other human beings.
If I can.

I will want to .

//

There is a situation I've been avoiding speaking on. A few really. My concern is that I have become too antisocial for my own wellbeing. The other night when getting those tattoos I was definitively awkward and out of place. Possibly. Because I didn't have much or anything to say, unless it was to feed off the negative energy pattern we had going. I wished I could've loosened up a bit in the shop to bring up a conversation that'd flow naturally, although whenever things started to flow I'd put a stop by hesitating, a nonverbalization of some concern I can't quite express or validate at this time.

The situation though, came the next day and the day after when I'd been avoiding Michelle and our bonding experience- potentially being fake about the whole experience, and uncelar about how I felt about things. I mean, she doesn't tolerate that. I shouldn't allow myself to be that way, just because it's shitty, but I did because I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge or apologize for the situation. the speech in my mind about what actually happened has become defensive on the matter.

Thing is, when I set myself up to be reliable for another person in an emotional capacity, I feel I always let the other person down. I let myself down, I mean. I was just making that clear. I am not going to be there in that sort of friendship capacity. I suppose that was the nervousness I had about planning the whole outing altogether- I knew I wasn't committed to this life enough to be raised to that level she's living on. She needs people to be real- present- with her. I don't have that even for myself. I might need that from somebody but I couldn't or wouldn't be able to give it back at this point.

I don't know how to commit yet. not really. Listening to myself is [a mistake]
a trip.

am I prepared for that journey?

///

The other hot take on the night and the day after is the way I keep using the toxic roommate situation I've got going as a hot button topic. It gives me this negative energy to speak on that I thrive in. I know it's bad. I've cut back a lot of this gossipy behavior since my youth, but this is still a remanent I'm susceptible to leaning into.

///

more on this, and my insecurity regarding being interesting enough for people, and how that's been conditioned by the value I put in fake friends based on perceived collleness over actual human merit, as well as the other things this life has starved me, and possibly a reflection on my own actual long dead dream of pursuing music, later.
Also, possible discussion of how I'm not interested in a boyfriend as much as I am in figuring out me for once.
Also possible discussion on the intensity of my own discernment of my actions as I get closer to being more present in my body, and how foreign and hard to manage that feels.
god bless please.




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