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2019-12-14 18:45:59 (UTC)

wwhatts... goin on

"Cotton Crush" by Kevin Devine

There's a cotton crush
In the southern states
But back up here, man
We've got so much thread and space
To waste, waste, waste

There's a microphone
Picking every word up
And it shuts itself off
When it's sure it's heard enough

The quiet can scrape
All the calm from your bones
But maybe it should
Maybe we need to be hollow
To get up and grow
And stop fucking around
To kick off our braces and start straightening out

Let's sift through the static
To find a simpler sound
Than the shit that's clouding our heads now

December 14, 2019 Saturday 5:49 PM

I don't know if I feel good or bad but ehhh!! I'm really anxious, but I think that's for love life reasons. I haven't written it here, but the events go as follows:

1. This kid Nick from my Russian class randomly friended me on FB a in October
2. In November, right before Thanksgiving, he asked me to study with him because he said he was behind (he is auditing Russian as he is already taking 5 classes; he's trying to start his master's next semester, which, WOAH).
3. We sort of began messaging after that. Not necessarily because I wanted to but because he kept messaging me and also he's cute, if a bit nooooorrmmaaaalll (not edgy enuff?)
4. I got kind of tired of just talking to him via text all the time so I suggested we get coffee and we did that yesterday
5. At which point I realized he was REALLY cute and he likes hanging out w me for some reason, which is!!! nice!!!!!!
6. Afterwards he asked me when I was leaving campus and I had just been about to ask the same thing. It's kind of nice how reciprocal this whole process has been... It really makes it less of a scary thing tbh.
7. Anyway now we have plans to watch a movie on Monday and I want to KISS HIM. HE"S SO CUTE.

I have a lot of anxiety about, like, whether we have all that much in common (I dunno if he's as edgy as me); and I feel kind of stupid around him (which I think is maybe a good sign; I like to be intimidated by the people I am interested in being around!!!!); and I worry if we kiss it might become serious, and then awkward (I don't really see a lasting relationship because I am, like, attracted to at least 3 other guys that are regularly within my vicinity— but I AM attracted to him, which is a first as far as reciprocated stuff goes).

I am assuming he likes me. For all I know, he is a confusingly friendly person. But like, I kind of don't think so. He texts me out of nowhere. I dunno, it's nice.

I know I'm coming out of a really dark place, but I don't have to tell him that, right? Like, I don't know if he would understand. I've made that mistake before. So maybe I can pretend to be about as normal and carefree and stressed as a regular college student and I won't have to think about my shaking booones.

On that note, I started on the lamotrigine. I sort of immediately felt better, but also to be fair, I had literally just had a break in mood that led me to spend all of Monday very giddy/anxious/fast. And then the following few days are of course going to be better, because that's how my mood swings work. So I guess it's still up in the air.

My newish psychiatrist doesn't seem to think I'll need to take next semester off. But I am not sure. I feel like... I need time to recover from this weird degradation of self that I've been experiencing for the past six or so months. Just... like, inside me, my long-term goals, my short-term goals, etc. All of that is eroded now. I don't know if it's still relevant. I want to be able to sit with myself and figure out... what I want to do. Where I want to go from here. What sort of things make sense for me as far as interests go. You know? Point is, I think I need it.

Sometimes I don't like the psychiatrist. Only because, like all doctors at the beginning, they seem to think I am a certain way. And I am not. I get annoyed by the way they question me; the patronization. Them: explaining sources and consequences of certain feelings as if I haven't been observing the chemical reactions this whole ass time. It makes me reticent. And privately furious. I remember it took Lancelot a bit to stop doing that; and sometimes he still does, and I get mad, and then I feel bad for getting mad. Maybe it'll get like that with the psychiatrist; but I don't think I see her often enough for that to be the case. Every time I see her it's like meeting a distant aunt. It's weird.

Other news: that guy Kyle from work is now my friend. HE IS SO COOL! He's going to St. Petersburg next semester and I'm gonna frickin miss him :/// I want to describe him one day, but not right now, because I really have to pee and I have to write a paper. Byeee.

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