Nala Toph

Written Thoughts
2019-12-11 18:33:42 (UTC)

Everyone is distant

I want to know how it feels to be praised, I want to be held. I want to sit in a man’s lap and sleep in his grasp. I want to walk in a room and someone wants to hug me. But I have people next to me, I have so many people that say they love me. Am i greedy? Is my ego just too big to feed? Everyone is so close but they feel so far, I’m screaming in my head for someone to hold me close but nobody can hear my thoughts. I’m not suicidal I just want to stab my emotions. I want to kill my sorrows. I need someone I can cuddle with. I really don’t think I need 59 people saying “I love you Nala” in fact I’d be perfectly fine with only 2 or 3 people, I just need one of those people to physically touch me, hold me, sleep with me. I barely even desire sex right now, I just want to be held. My boyfriend is saying I can reach out to other people now, I’m assuming we’re going to be more closed when he comes to America, in like 3 years... but still, who will I be with? I do have a gay friend, I’ve been trying to reach out to him over the weekends so we could play and snuggle, he was busy this weekend but so was I, good timing I guess? Perhaps this Saturday I could sleep over at his house. I’ve vented this to many of my friends, but they can’t do anything... unless they come to Arizona they really can’t give what I need. A hug and a lap to rest on...
I don’t want to die... i just want to shoot my heart, my emotions are driving me insane. I really can’t handle it sometimes.