Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2019-12-11 04:46:09 (UTC)

Begging God For Death

My life is a living nightmare. I texted and called my one "friend" and she didn't answer. Granted, she's in her 60's and it was after 9 at night. So, I'm not mad. She just texted me yesterday, saying we should get together soon. So, hopefully, that happens. I may or may not be getting evicted. Probably not, but in my state of mind (grieving), this is way too much!

I called a crisis hotline. I'm not suicidal, though, I begged God several times tonight to take my life, even after talking to someone for about 10 minutes on there. I won't do it, myself. If I'm just going to suffer like this, for about 50 more years (I'm in my thirties and do believe I will reach my 80's, at least!), what's the point of being alive anymore? I think my husband is waiting for me in heaven and time may be different for him, than it is for me, but then again, it might not be. He's still a human soul, after all, not a spirit like God.

How low do you have to be in life, to call a crisis hotline when you're not even suicidal, just need someone to talk to that badly? Does this mean I can only go up from here? Like, I said to God and will say here, now -- I don't expect or even ask for happiness. All I need is peace of mind. Not all this stress and bullshit!

I am drinking tonight! You know, I was going to bed at 9:00 tonight when I learned that I could be evicted. In winter, in New England. Oh my God. I swear, God is trying to torture me, like my whole life. Takes away my husband of 12 years and things... just can't be steady, calm, cool... boring. At the very worst, boring. I don't need this fucking stress, God! Are you fucking, serious!? Oh don't blame God... okay, but why the fuck does Cancer exist, then? Why would God create that? I get jealous of Atheists. I'm simply incapable of not believing. It might be due to a certain gene. I'm serious! I mean, I could be considered Agnostic, considering I'm not that religious, but it just doesn't make logical sense in my brain for there to not be Something that created everything. Please don't think me stupid or ignorant, atheists, for I envy you in your freedom. For, what's worse?: Belief in no God, or belief in a very cruel one? One that creates Cancer and/or other horrible things, and/or simply allows them to exist?

Well, I just watched my very favorite episode of "Mind Field" by Vsauce. The very first one, which is about isolation. I swear I fall in love with him just from this episode. If you don't understand why, go watch it! I don't exactly know how to explain... he's so pure, so curious about the world, liked a child, but therefore, very intelligent, because his main focus in life, seems to be learning more. So admirable and so... sexy. 😍😍😍

Anyways, I will now go watch my second favorite episode of "Mind Field," the one in which, he takes ayahuasca. So want to try it now. When you crave actual death (as long as I end up with my husband again), ego-death doesn't seem so bad. Michael *SPOILER ALERT!* ...

Could not quite achieve that. It's because he's too smart. πŸ˜› I, however, maybe could. Not because I'm dumb (though, not as smart as him 😜), but because, I really don't have anything to lose. Probably dont have much of an ego to lose, either. I just want an escape from the world, but perhaps one that will expand my mind, if at all possible.

I love you, Michael Stevens. ::SIGH::

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