miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-12-10 20:48:41 (UTC)

15 days since i last wrote

and after mind blinding pain and grief, we connected to talk/fight our way thru it, and have come out to a new (old) place.

here's the thing. we both admit, that we don't want a life without the other in it. but i stood my ground, in terms of what i can and can't handle regarding him anymore. i've hurt too many times, for long enough now, for the sake of loving him. all the things i'd been thinking for weeks and wanting to say to him, only partially came out in our "break up conversation". so, there was all this UNresolved business between us. so much still inside. i was having an insane amount of dreams about cam, and then waking up to feel the loss of him all over again. it was hell. trying to hide everything i feel from the people i see every day...who can't know the pain i'm in.

and then...there he was. wanting to talk. wanting the clarification that he walked away from in our break up conversation, out of hurt and anger. now he wanted to understand. so...i got to say everything. EVERYTHING. i can't say what a relief this was! even tho i knew that some of the truths i'd been keeping, (like how i couldn't stand in the way of his becoming a father someday) would be something he'd be upset about and want to fight further over....it still felt like this huge relief to get it all out. he called my breaking up with him a "grand gesture" that he doens't need to be given. still claims, even tho we'd already broken up, that he'd given up on family a long time ago, and that i wasn't in the way of that.

we went back and forth for days, sharing every thought, and feeling....until i think we were just emotionally drained and spent. and then it just came down to this crazy, unallowed love that we share. he'd been as miserable as i was in the days we weren't speaking after breaking up. but even just fighting it out, gave us both a feeling of a weight lifted, SIMPLY BECAUSE, we were talking.

so we admitted that life without the other is bleaker than want to ever accept. which means now what? i can't go back to constant communications and beautiful bonding moments with incredibly intense sexual encounters....only to then be pushed away and into a silence that makes me wonder if it all happened at all. i just can't. he can't give me the efforts i need that assure me of his love, even while he's fighting other battles. and i can't give him the time and space when he has another battle to fight. everytime it happens, we end up hurt, angry and distant.

i told him i don't want the committments. i don't want anything from him, because he feels he HAS to. i dont' want the good parts of us to become a job. i want to know that every second he's with me, however he's with me, its because he wants to be and not because he has to or i'll be hurt. i need him to understand that no matter what he says about wanting children, i'm not sure he even knows what he's saying, because he DID want them...until i came along. and that door HAS to remain open. yes...that means he could meet someone else, and maybe she'll fit the bill for what he wants in a mother and wife, and they will be able to be happy together, so....he'd be gone from my life. i understand that. but....it's what i ALWAYS understood...and when he changed that up with the commitments and choosing me instead, i just couldn't live with being the person in the way of those possiblities. and i won't do it.

i want what we have always had...."before" it all went too deep. i thought i'd love the commitments and promises with cam. i wanted it, even tho i knew i shouldn't. but...it won't work between us. not now anyway. i know that for sure now. in order for us to remain "anything", we have to go backward to before it went to all those places real couples go. we aren't a real couple. we can't be one right now. and trying to live like one, doesn't work. but we love each other. we believe we need each other. so....we'll stay in each other's lives. we'll share what we can...when we can. it just has to all be much looser than it got. we aren't in a situation where "tight" works....and neither of us can give the other what they fully need either. NOT AT THIS POINT.

so...i know us both. he won't be with anyone else. i won't be with anyone else. but the commitments and promises are gone, and we will be whatever we can be, until things in both of our lives are figured out and changed. and then....AND ONLY THEN...can we revisit a more serious "us".

it's weird. i feel relief. because i love him, and he's not lost to me, like it felt he was. but...going forward without any road map at all...is really odd.


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