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2019-12-09 22:50:54 (UTC)

Impractical Jokers

Narrator: Coming up, why is joe taking it sneezy? [ sneezes .]
[ laughter .]
Narrator: Will q's wildest dreams finally come true? [ laughter .]
And which losing jokers will be hella scared In tonight's double punishment? [ both screaming .]
Sal: Prepare for something amazing.
[ horn honks .]
Q: Hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
Murr: I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
Sal: I will never forgive you! Joe: Larry! [ laughter .]
Today, we're playing receptionist In the waiting area of a professional office.
And we're going to have to do and say Whatever the other guys tell us to.
And if you refuse anything, you lose.
Is this real? -Is it real? -Yep, it's real.
Oh.
Hi, how are you? You can have a seat right over here, my friend, I will call someone in a minute.
Murr: Joe, uh, get out from behind the desk And go to the, uh, file cabinet.
Open the top drawer, ask him if he wants one.
[ laughter .]
It's just a drawer full of hot dogs.
Joe, push the hot dogs, bud.
You want one, or -- Oh, no, I'm good.
You don't? I'm pescatarian.
-Oh, you're pescatarian? -Yeah.
I might have a fish in here.
[ laughter .]
Where'd I put that fish? [ laughter .]
Yeah.
Nah, I'm 29.
I'll live forever.
That's true, yeah, yeah.
Man, I'm 29.
I'm gonna live forever.
You're not 29.
I'm 29, yeah.
How old are you? -Oh! -Oh! Oh, my god! I'm gonna tell you, you between The ages of -- in between Mid-35 to 45 years old.
Oh, nailed it! He's dead in the middle of that! You're about, at least 45.
At least 45.
You think I'm 45 years old? [ laughs .]
Joe, just open-mouth sneeze on the wall.
[ sneezes .]
[ laughter .]
One more time in the same spot.
[ sneezes .]
Ew! Ew! It's gonna make me gag! Oh, god! Wipe up that -- sneeze again.
[ sneezes .]
-He's videotaping you! -Dude, do it right now! [ sneezes .]
[ laughter .]
He's videotaping you! He's videotaping! [ sneezing .]
Joe, joe, go in the other room And come running back and sneeze on the wall.
Joe: Hey samantha, did you get the fax that we sent? [ sneezes .]
[ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
Are you here for the appointment? -Yes.
-Okay.
There's a pen on it.
Just sign that for me.
Just out of the shower, or -- [ chuckles .]
Are -- are you, um, are just out of the shower or Am I just out of the shower? Yes, are -- [ joe laughs .]
Oh! Got it! -Yeah.
Joe: Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Did your, uh, neck just get out of the shower? [ laughter .]
Did your -- Did your neck just get out of the shower? [ laughter .]
Oh, it's cold.
Oh, it's a scarf.
I thought you had a towel wrapped around your neck.
[ laughter .]
Uh, let's see.
Oh, great.
So murr, just hold that paper up So we can see that cellphone number.
Great.
Hold on one sec.
Q: All right, murr, we're texting her.
"hey, it's james at the desk.
" That's not right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Send.
[ laughter .]
Joe: Okay, she's checking her messages.
Hold on.
[ laughter .]
I'll let you know what she says.
[ cellphone vibrates .]
"prove this is you.
Look at me and say, "what up, boo?" -She did.
-She did, murr.
What up, boo? Yeah, she didn't write that.
[ laughter .]
-Hello.
-Hi, there.
-Hi.
How are you? -Good.
Uh, you're here for an appointment? Yes.
Okay.
Ah, right, right.
Prince's brother.
Q: [ laughing .]
oh! Uh, let me have you fill this out.
[ laughter .]
Whoo! We'll give him one more.
Pick up the phone.
Hey, maurice? It's james on seven.
Did you, did you hear what it sounds like? Did you hear what it sounds like? When the doves cry.
[ laughter .]
Q: Wait, I got one more.
We've got one more.
"excuse me, sir, what's your name?" What was your name again, buddy? Brandon.
Brandon.
Brandon? Could you pick up the phone, murr? Your appointment's here.
Yeah, your appointment's here.
Yeah, he was formerly known as brandon.
[ laughter .]
[ sighs .]
Maurice, I quit.
[ receiver slams .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
I'm here for the, uh, focus group.
Okay.
Please have a seat right there.
Here we go.
Sal: You're gonna make a phone call now, q.
Hello? Hey.
Joe: Look at his pants and be like, "black pants.
" Yeah, black, like black pants.
Yeah.
Sal: Tall, yeah.
I would say he's tall.
Q: Oh, yeah, he's quite tall.
If I had to guess, o negative.
[ laughs .]
I mean, if I had to guess, O negative.
[ laughter .]
Look at his face! He's got a red mohawk.
[ laughs .]
He can't get it out! He can't get it out! [ laughs .]
Uh, big -- Big red mohawk.
[ laughs .]
Big, bright, bright, looks like a rooster.
I'm the red mohawk? Yeah.
Have someone come out and ask for red mohawk.
Red mohawk? Long hair.
[ laughter .]
How are you? I'm well.
Okay, just have a seat right on the left.
Ma'am, let me ask you something.
Can I take a quick picture of you? Do you mind if I just take a quick picture of you? I'll explain.
I'll explain.
Oh, I'll explain.
Oh, I was like -- Right on top of the printer, there's a book.
Yeah, I keep a log of everybody that comes across my path.
I just keep a log of, of everybody That comes across my path.
I label who they are, like this guy here.
Like, this guy likes sports.
Possible friend.
[ laughs .]
Ate a tuna sandwich, didn't flush.
That's interesting.
[ laughs .]
So I'm just like Here you'll go.
Yeah, no.
No? No? [ laughs .]
All right.
All right.
-Sneak it, sneak it.
-Sneak it, sneak it.
[ camera shutter clicks .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
No, I'm texting.
Sal: Take the book out, And just write "difficult" and say it out loud.
How many f's in difficult? [ laughter .]
Thank you.
[ ding! .]
Sal: Hey, how are you guys doing? You guys are all here -- -Focus group? -Yes, okay.
Sal gets easily overwhelmed, So we decided just to send everybody in.
[ laughter .]
Just fill this out.
Q: Sal, the dude alone -- You must be here to clean the toilets.
Oh, you must be here to clean the toilets? Oh.
[ laughter .]
-Answer the phone.
-Hello? Yeah, we're looking for crangis mcbasketball.
Hold on.
Cr-- Crangis mcb-- [ laughter .]
Crangis mcbasketball? Crangis mcbasketball? [ laughter .]
Crangis mcbasketball? Is that your name? That's not my name.
Ms.
Mcbasketball? [ laughter .]
Do you have a restroom? Uh, restroom -- Q: "yeah, but it's filthy.
" Yes, but it's pretty dirty.
"I think this dude's here to clean it.
" I thought this guy was here to clean our toilets.
He said no.
[ laughter .]
Murr: Answer the phone.
Okay.
Hello? Crangis.
Are you sure it's not misspelled? Crangis.
I'll ask again.
[ sighs .]
Crangis mcbasketball? -Oh, my god.
-I know, I know, I know.
Murr: [ laughs .]
Okay.
Bye.
"you guys don't mind if I listen To my daily affirmations, right?" Do you guys mind if I listen to my daily affirmations? -Go ahead.
-Thank you very much.
I'm sal.
I can do this job.
[ laughter .]
I won't fail like all my previous jobs.
I'm not a bartender anymore.
I'm sal.
Thank you, guys.
I'm sal.
I can do this job.
[ laughter .]
I won't fail Sorry.
Murr: Let it play or you lose, buddy! I'm not a bartender anymore.
I'm sal.
Sal.
I won't fail like all my previous jobs -- [ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
Narrator: Murr and sal couldn't buzz in a win, So they're first up on the loser board.
We're here at the world famous Madame tussaud's wax museum.
And we've got to do and say what the other guys tell us.
Sal: And if you refuse, you lose.
Q: Hey murr.
Murr.
We hid a selfie stick for you Over in the corner over there.
A special selfie stick.
Yeah, yeah.
You see it? Now extend it to its maximum length, my friend.
Oh [bleep.]
How far does it go? [ laughter .]
Oh! [ laughter .]
Ohh.
Get some help with the selfie stick.
Would you just hold the end up for me? Just, no, just hold the end up.
Higher! Higher.
Just right, yeah.
Over here, too.
I've just got to do katy perry real quick.
There you go.
[ laughter .]
[ camera shutter clicks .]
Got it.
Thank you, man.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Sal: Nice work, murr.
I'm gonna head down And I'm going to make murray into a wax figure myself.
Joe: Here he goes, here he goes.
Just stay still, okay? What are you doing? [ laughs .]
Ohh.
[ chuckling .]
oh, come on.
Come on, that's in my ear.
Okay.
Here it is.
Come on.
[ laughter .]
Look up.
Smile.
-Hey! -That's great.
Q: Look how confused everyone is.
Murr, you really are holding it still.
Oh wow, surprise.
Murr is good at being lifeless.
[ ding! .]
Joe, pose with nobody taking a picture.
Sorry.
No worries, bud.
[ laughter .]
Oh, sorry.
You're okay.
[ laughter .]
Sal: Joe, tell someone About how you collect the old ones They throw in the trash and set them up at your house.
They look so real, it's crazy, right? I know.
It's so crazy.
Uh, my favorite part is I actually, Uh, I collect the ones when they're -- They throw them out, I go into the dumpster And take them out of the trash and I have them all at my house.
I've got like eddie murphy playing cards With celine dion.
[ laughs .]
yeah.
It's like real people.
It's like I'm never home alone.
It's great.
How do you get to your house? [ laughter .]
How do you -- How do you la-- If I was gonna go to, uh -- Let's say I was gonna go to your house.
How would I get there? Sal: Precisely.
Like, step-by-step directions.
How do I get to your home? Like where you live.
Like where you guys sleep at night.
I just want to set up a few figures.
[ laughter .]
Well, forget it.
Just forget it.
Sorry, excuse me.
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
Q, ask this couple how old taylor swift is.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you know how old taylor swift is? It's time to make out with taylor swift, right? I think so.
Great, thank you.
[ romantic music plays .]
[ laughter .]
Oh, my god.
I feel like somewhere across the globe, Taylor swift just threw up in her own mouth.
[ music stops .]
[ laughter .]
Q, start taking photos of all the crotches.
Rihanna, crotch cam.
[ camera shutter clicks .]
[ laughs .]
Lady gaga, crotch cam.
[ camera shutter clicks .]
[ laughter .]
Okay, q, now go get the guy.
Okay, hey buddy! All right, yeah.
Crotch cam.
Crotch cam.
Hold on.
Stay still.
Stay still.
He's backing away! [ camera shutter clicks .]
Thanks, buddy.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Hey! [ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
You're no fatone.
[ laughs .]
Go up behind this guy, hug him and say, "there's my beautiful wife.
" There's my beautiful wife.
No.
Oh! [ laughter .]
Sal, go up to those women And lead them around from statue to statue.
I'll show you something.
"oh, my god!" Oh, my god! "it's carrie underwood!" It's carrie underwood! She's my favorite! Do everybody.
Do the whole tour.
Pharrell! Oh, my god! Keep up! It's rihanna! My favorite! Nice pants! [ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
Narrator: No one melted in this challenge, Making murr and sal tonight's big losers.
It's punishment time! These two losers have had a bet for years That, uh, if you were of equal weight, Each of you would beat the other in a foot race.
And we're here today to prove that.
[ laughter .]
We're going to strap murray in a fat suit And make him run 50 yards to see who wins.
You better give him the exact -- my exact weight.
Yeah.
We worked it out.
It's a 65 pound fat suit.
-Is it? -65 pounds! Oh, you're done.
You're done.
[ laughter .]
-Why is there a helicopter here? -Is there a helicopter? Where? Let's just say you want to win the race.
Yeah, you really want to win this one.
Let's do it! All right, you guys ready? I'm out of breath already, and I haven't done anything.
Put your money where your fat is.
[ light laughter .]
Joe and q: Ready, set [ air horn blows .]
-And they're off! -Go! Go! Oh, my god, look at this! Look at this! It's actually a pretty close race! -It's a close race! -Oh, my god! Look at this! -Oh! -Oh! Murray goes down! Yeah! -Murray goes down! Joe: He can't handle the fat! He can't handle the fat! [ laughter .]
Are you all right? Yeah.
I don't wanna go in a chopper! I hate flying! Q: So, you're the gold winner.
You're the silver winner.
And to the victor, my friends, goes the spoils.
Yes, and the spoils in this case is a seat.
All right! You get the seat.
[ laughter .]
Wait.
What does that mean?! That means there's one seat.
You can't stand in a helicopter! Yeah, but you can sit on the side of it.
No [bleep.]
way! Are you insane?! Let's hop to it, boys.
Good luck.
-Are we doing it? -Yeah, you're riding -- [ indistinct shouting .]
Wait a second! Hold on! Of course, that's not the beginning and the end of it.
No, no, no, let's just say stay tuned Because the fun's just about to start.
They act like they are our friends! Shotgun! And then they double-cross us! [ laughs .]
What the -- wait! Holy [bleep.]
Holy [bleep.]
What are you doing!? Holy [bleep.]
-oh! [ laughter .]
Aah! Go lower.
Look at how high up we are! I'm actually getting nervous for you.
Dude, like this is crazy.
Aah! Aah! Oh, my god! Holy [bleep.]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Holy [bleep.]
Where the [bleep.]
are we going? [ "ride of the valkyries" plays .]
Hey! Hey! -What? -Is that them? How's the ride? [ cries .]
[ high-pitched .]
take me -- take me over land! Take me over land! Joe: Well, murr's had it worse off.
Well, he lost the race.
He had to dangle off the side of a helicopter.
It's pretty bad.
Now it's time to punish sal.
I agree.
[ laughs .]
Oh, what's that? Oh, we just heard -- We just heard from the pilot That, uh, you guys are in danger of crashing.
You've got to lose some weight.
What does that mean? Who's the heaviest on the plane? They gotta jump out.
Murr, you don't still have that, That, that weight on you, do you? Murr: No.
I'm light as a feather! [bleep.]
that! I won! I [bleep.]
won! I won! No! I'll push you out the door! I'm not going out! [bleep.]
He's trying to push me out! What?! Sal, jump.
[ laughs .]
Man: You have to go.
Is he serious?! I'm a-okay right here.
Are you gonna do this? That's crazy! You're above the trees.
[ laughs .]
[bleep.]
you! I can't believe we're about to watch sal vulcano Jump out of a helicopter! No! I don't want to do this! [ dramatic music plays .]
[ laughter .]
I can't! Sal, it's time to go, baby! We got to lose some weight.
I hate you! Aah! Whoo! -Yeah! -Yeah! Murr: Yeah! And there you go! That's it.
It's too cold.
It's freezing.
You jumped out of a helicopter! I'm so proud of you.
I almost died.
[ laughter .]
It's [bleep.]
freezing! Who thought that was a good idea? -Uh, everybody but you.
-Yeah.
[ laughter .]

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Impractical Jokers (2017) Episode Scripts | More Television Show Episode Scripts


Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=impractical-jokers-2017&episode=s05e01


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