Experienced Life
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2019-12-09 07:39:31 (UTC)

You know it's not right when...

Every morning, you wake up from your night's rest for a few seconds, your mind is clear....then it reboots everything back in your brain. Usually, I wake up and smile. Now, that wave of fricking sorrow and despair hits me. I hate this feeling and this is not how to live my life I know. Trying to fight it because I don't really have a choice do I?

I'm too confused to do this. I had to sign up for counseling. Yup. Me and my strength and wisdom finally needed a helping hand. I need to get back on track. My appt is on the 24th of this month. I actually know I have everything I need to get back to myself. It's all i n my head and my attitude. There is nothing I really need to get, buy, or make to fix this. I have friends. I have money. I have my social life. I have a great job. I don't need to buy anything really. What I'm saying to myself here is I have all the tools I need to snap out of this.

It's that ache. That thing you feel in your gut. That slight panic when you shouldn't have one. You feel it a few seconds after you wake up. You think of it when you go to bed. It'll come to you during the day at just the right times to remind you that you have this mental cancer and it's not gone yet. You know, I know what to do really. I need to get up and work on myself. Work on realizing some people are poison and to improve on myself what I learned from this. I need to remind myself of my worth and it's not based on other people's thoughts and feelings. I know that. I'm just so so so tired right now.

Fricking Faye!! She mucked me up in my head because she is mucked up in her head too. She took me to her weird ass world in her weird ass moral in her weird ass thoughts in her weird ass feelings when I was fine and dandy in mine. Fricking millennials!!! lol. I don't really mean that. I'm just spouting out my frustrations I still can't talk about what happened it was so ugly. Now I'm sort of feeling some anxiety about the formal dinner this Saturday. It's with that international group/club and I'm pretty sure Faye will be there. I won't avoid and hide just because she may be there but it'd be better if she just disappeared from earth. haha. Nah, I'll be there and suck it up. I bought my tux just for this and another event. I'm going rogue and go with a red jacket and black tux shirt with red cufflinks because I like red. Those other peeps in their penguin suits can all choke on their bowties. lol.

I still get texts from my catfish. Sigh. I'm so not wanting to play with that right now. Let's just get to the end and let me send you all my money you'll eventually ask for so we can be done with it. (Again, just kidding. Not that much of an idiot just yet. Then again, I was stupid enough to fall into Faye's crap).

I need to start being more thankful and positive. No one can get me back up but myself. I look around and my room is still nice and clean. Bathroom is clean and I replaced my old bath mat with a new one that matches my bins. I wake up to the site of roses and that usually made me smile. Not right now but it's still nice to see. And I just realized that OMG!!! there is almost 2 grand retail in cologne on top of my dresser and probably about the same in suits and crap I recently bought. A keurig coffee machine and warmer next to their bed? What dumbass does something like that? Oh yeah, me just because.

I get $700 hundred bucks a month for my roommate that has been pretty awesome lately. She is hardly visible and it's been a good couple of months now. Her rent money was piling up for awhile there because I didn't budget her money coming in so I didn't need it. I mean I did recently with the stuff I bought but it's money that wasn't budgeted for any real bills. I used her money to buy my clothes and cologne and I still have a nice chunk of it.

I don't think I can miss gym for awhile. I usually can go the weekend without needing my dopamine fix but I know I'm not right in the head so I'll have to go 7 days a week this week. My gym is not open all days so I'll go to my 2nd gym when that day comes. I've said it before. People that are really depressed probably does not go to the gym to work it off. I do. I pushed harder to get that feeling out of me. When that little ache or anxiety is there, you push harder, faster, or longer. My secret to the gym is I purposely let that evil crap pop into my mind while I'm doing something like a weighted sled. While I'm doing that I get that extra burst of energy to go even harder. So there is that. I use whatever emotion I have that is perking up to make my workout performance better. In return you get more in shape, lose weight, build muscle and crank up more dopamine. So I'm no psychiatrist or anything remotely like that but I know that physical activity is one of the best things you can do for yourself to keep you sane. I would say a circuit training type of gym is one of the best things because it's an instructor led class. You won't be lonely. You won't be bored. You'll learn to do it right so you don't hurt yourself and you'll make a lot of friends.

BTW, It's my birthday next weekend. Yay! Happy birthday to me...not :(
I don't have any pics except from last weekend's wine trip. I bought another cool looking wine diffuser that I thought was pretty unique. It's a snake all curled up. Had to get it :)

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